Thursday, November 24, 2022

Thursday, November 24, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. Mattie's school counselor gave him this wonderful turkey hat for the holiday. Mattie and I both loved it. Mattie put it on his head, and to me he was the cutest and most perfect turkey. He was a beautiful boy and had incredible spirit, even after two limb salvaging surgeries and coping with high dose chemotherapy, he still could smile. It's a testament to him and the power of hope and love, both of which we were committed to providing Mattie with daily. 

 

Quote of the day: Gratitude is the inward feeling of kindness received. Thankfulness is the natural impulse to express that feeling. Thanksgiving is the following of that impulse. ~ Henry Van Dyke

I am trying to get into a routine of working on my continuing education credits after my parents retire for the night. Trust me it takes great discipline. But I had to decide.... drop the license, or maintain it? Since it took years in the making to get it (pass a national test, and complete 4,000 hours of supervised clinical work), I decided.... no I worked too hard for this to let my license lapse. 

I am working through a two day webinar on grief. The speaker laughs like a hyaena. Putting that aside, I am getting educated on the various theoretical frameworks on grief. The most recent framework and most used today comes out of Holland. It is the Stroebe & Schut model. A crucial part of this Dual Process Model is the concept of oscillation. According to Stroebe and Schut, healthy grieving means engaging in a dynamic process of oscillating between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented coping. A griever will oscillate between confronting the loss and avoiding the loss.

Two things caught my attention here about this model. I have described my feelings on Mattie's blog regarding how I have and continue to cope with his death. In fact, I share it with anyone who has lost a loved one. I cope by having distractions or diversions. This is my terminology, but according to this dual process model, I am describing "restoration oriented coping." I am proof that this model is spot on, as one can't possibly sit in grief 24/7. However, as this model points out, distractions (restoration oriented) are also a form of loss, a secondary loss. Because as we re-invest ourselves in these diversions, we are forming new roles and identity. Naturally we are doing these activities because of the death of a loved one. 

The other aspect of this model is the simple fact that the inner circles (dealing actively with loss and having diversions) oscillate between each other. Meaning, in any given day, both are going on. One hour you might be dealing with the loss, and in the next, we are going about our daily routine and interacting with the world. However, as anyone who has lost a loved one knows, while interacting with the world, things can trigger us, and set us right back into the loss-oriented portion of the model. What I do love about this webinar, is it is very clear that there is NO timeline to loss. Instead, it is a lifetime experience and as such this model of loss and diversions applies throughout one's life journey. 

As you can surmise, I signed up for this training because it is something that personally interests me and also it helps as I guide other families dealing with the impossible of child loss. Typically I find models limiting, but this one resonates with me, which is why I am writing about it here. 

This morning, I decided to set up the dining room table for Thanksgiving. Though it is just the three of us, I want it to be special and different. When we think of holidays, we tend to think of having multiple people over. Do I feel depressed that this isn't happening? Yes and no. 

As this grief webinar points out, during times of trauma, we shut down and close people out. Though what I am coping with now is different from Mattie's diagnosis and death, there are other aspects that do make it traumatic. Just like with Mattie's death, I now limit my exposure to the outside world. Not saying it is the best solution, but it is how I can cope with the chaos I am enduring. 

Personally I have a love/hate relationship with the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I recall Thanksgiving 2008, when Mattie was home from the hospital, recovering from his limb salvaging surgeries. This was prior to starting medication for anxiety and depression, and before his doctors acknowledged that Mattie was coping with medical traumatic stress. Mattie was a handful to manage at home and I felt like I was dealing with someone who came back from a war. It was impossible to make him happy and any sound or hearing talking made him extremely agitated and unhappy. We tried watching the Macy's Parade together, but that did not go well. So now when I think of Thanksgiving and the Parade, I am transported right back in time, to Thanksgiving 2008. 

I did turn on the Macy's Parade today for my parents to watch. As I wanted to acknowledge the holiday and to me this is the most festive way to do it. We did not see the whole parade, but a portion of it. It was done in New York style, big, bold, and impressive. I absolutely love all the student bands from around the country and to see the creativity of the floats. My two favorites were below....

The Lion King!

Mariah Carey (who was the act right before Santa!)

I think I have finally figured out how to use our oven. The repair man says the oven needs an hour to come to temperature. Wrong! Try four. After four hours, the oven was at and remained at the temperature I wanted. With previous turkey roasts, we were juggling and adjusting the temperature of the oven, because it never held its heat. Today, no problem. We bought this turkey at the farmer's market. It was the best turkey I ever ate and carving it was super easy. Normally I am playing tug of war with wings and legs. No problem today. 

My mom was excited about the meal and wanted a photo with the turkey. 

My mom photographed me carving the turkey. 

Our table was ready to go!

I really tried to make it a lovely meal for my parents. But my dad was not himself. He did not eat much and was exhausted all day. To me the Ritalin is having the exact opposite effect of what is intended. It was a very frustrating meal, as I was jumping up and down constantly to meet his needs, including bathroom runs. I finally gave up. All of this is a lot of work and my dad has no insight at all as to how much this takes. 

I tried to take a photo of the three of us. 

It was such a wonderful turkey, I decided to make turkey broth from it. Just in case you were wondering, Sunny had a good helping of turkey tonight. It was definitely Thanksgiving for him. 

In memory of Mattie, I am posting an excerpt from the November 27, 2008 blog: 

Peter tells me Mattie had an awful night of sleep on Wednesday. Mattie was up on the hour waking up with terrible dreams. I remember these times from the first surgery. This is how Mattie's body deals with the pain medication and perhaps the whole horrible ordeal. I have decided to take over night duty tonight. Peter needs and deserves a major break. When Mattie woke up this morning, we turned on the TV and watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. In the past, Peter and I were normally so busy that we never watched the parade. But today, we all stayed in one place and enjoyed the floats and marching bands. I brought out many of the dishes I was preparing for the day, out to the living room, and set up prep areas there, so that Mattie could see that I was with him and could take part in the cooking process. He was VERY demanding all day, he wanted Peter and I near him at all times. It was thoroughly exhausting, and it made it very difficult to cook and be in the kitchen. We did enjoy the parade, and our favorite float was with Kermit the Frog, featuring a song, "I Believe!" Seemed very inspiring and meaningful for the season and for us personally.

I tried to make today festive and got out my favorite turkey plates to inspire Mattie to come and eat at the table. I attached a picture of our table. However, it wasn't the Thanksgiving we were hoping for. Mattie refused to come to the table, wouldn't eat any of the food, and was in a grumpy mood. Mattie had requested certain foods today, and I made all of them. Even his favorite, sweet potato souffle with marshmallows. But nothing really interested him. He was just mad, and the only way Peter, my parents, and I could have dinner, was with Peter sitting on the couch next to Mattie. It seemed very disjointed, and what drives me absolutely crazy is that Mattie gets snappy and doesn't like hearing noise or people talking. He prefers silence! In many ways our home is becoming prison like. We are praying that as soon as Mattie gets some more independence back physically, a lot of the emotional outbursts, the anger, and anxieties will lighten up. But until that time, the question becomes how do we manage all of these changes in Mattie?

Mattie's occupational therapist, Kathie, is coming over tomorrow, and our nurse Sandra is coming back. Hopefully that interaction will go better since Peter will be home, and there will be two of us to help Mattie through the visit. We end tonight with this quote. Happy Thanksgiving!