Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Mattie was home and between treatments. Our resident Jack Russell, JJ, came over to visit Mattie. Mattie loved JJ, and JJ loved Mattie. They practically grew up together. However, once Mattie had his limb salvaging surgeries he was far more cautious and therefore by that point, was a bit scared that JJ was going to jump on him. JJ remained on a leash for these visits and that put Mattie at great ease. Mattie always wanted a dog, and I am glad he had the companionship of JJ.
Quote of the day: I have sometimes thought of the final cause of dogs having such short lives and I am quite satisfied it is in compassion to the human race; for if we suffer so much in losing a dog after an acquaintance of ten or twelve years, what would it be if they were to live double that time? ~ Sir Walter Scott
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Do I view myself as separated? The short answer is no. Peter left in September of 2023, so in theory we have been apart for four months now. But in all reality, it has been a blur for me. During these four months, I have had to become smart in finances, bill paying, managing my mom's bills, processing their insurance claims, house maintenance and the list goes on. This is on top of my already full plate of caregiving for two 88 year old's, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, companionship, chauffeuring my parents around, coordinating appointments and of course running Mattie's Foundation. There is only one of me and I am doing the work of five people. Most days I just plug along because there is no other option.
But I am human and all of this is taking its toll on me. I remain perplexed regarding Peter's decision to separate from me. We have been through so much together but always we had each other. I met Peter when I was 19 years old, and in so many ways, I can't view my world without Peter in it. Our lives are very intertwined, and our love has always been solid and grounding. Which maybe why my brain can't even go there right now, because if it does then I have to question everything we experienced together. I know the reality and in my heart of hearts perhaps it is those feelings that make me keep the faith, that refuses to allow me to give up hope. My hope is that in time, the power of reconciliation will be possible.
This afternoon, I took my mom for tea at our local Starbucks. My mom and I go there several times a week, to get away from our reality and the house. In so many ways, it is like my safe space, where I try to forget pain, hurt, and confusion. While ordering tea today, I got to talking to one of the baristas. I practically know each person working there, so much so, that when I enter the store, they start making our order. In any case, the young lady I was chatting with today said to me that she and the entire staff appreciate me. That I am always so kind, listen and take the time to get to know them, and that they can tell I am very thoughtful and patient (as they see me with my mom). Truthfully, I wasn't expecting any of this feedback today, but now more than ever, I need to hear these kind words, because when the love of your life leaves you, it is hard to not be left with many questions, such as..... what on earth did I do? Am I not the kind of person someone wants to spend time with? Do I not care deeply about other people? The point is, I am left doubting myself, doubting my existence, and doubting life in general.
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