Thursday, February 22, 2024

Thursday, February 22, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2008. It is hard to believe this photo was taken five months before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Honestly at that point in time I did not even have an inkling that something was wrong. Childhood cancer wasn't on my radar scope, and when I look at these pre-cancer photos, internally I always say to myself that I was living in Disneyworld! I unfortunately can no longer say this as childhood cancer has touched and ravaged my family.   

Quote of the day: I heard somebody define heaven once as a place where, when you get there, all the dogs you ever loved run to greet you. ~ Robert B. Parker

This was one of my favorite Sunny poses! His downward dog!!! When Sunny did this big stretch that meant.... get up, it is time to go for a walk! Any one who thinks that dogs do not have their own temperaments and personalities, would be sorely mistaken. When we first adopted Sunny, I would say he was cautious and more timid. Most likely because we were new to him and he really did not know how his new home would work out. However, over time, as Sunny gained comfort and learned we were committed to him forever, his true personality came out. Sunny was loving, loyal, but also strong willed, needed a lot of attention, my constant focus, and wanted movement and to interact with nature and the world. As a by-product, Sunny's desire to explore, walk, and get outside became part of my world. I miss my buddy, my constant companion, and my inspiration to get back out into the world again after Mattie died. With Sunny's death and my current existence, I have once again retreated inward. I am now a shell of my former self. The body is the same (well try twenty pounds lighter), but my mind and spirit have been mortally wounded. 

Every morning, while getting myself together, I bring a cup of hot tea upstairs with me. This is of course after feeding Indie, getting the paper from the driveway, and doing some basic chores. I started bringing tea upstairs because it is my one perk that I do for myself each day. When I lived in the city, I never needed to bring tea upstairs. But as a full time caregiver of two, you learn that you take what ever moments you can get, in whatever way they look. 

I use the same big tea cup every morning. We bought this cup during one of our trips to Curacao. Inside the cup is the Papiamento word, DUSHI. Which translates into a term of endearment... meaning sweetheart or beautiful. This cup is symbolic of happier times and of true love. 

It was another busy day on the farm. After I got my dad washed, dressed, downstairs for breakfast, completed his 15 minute walk and got him into his recliner, I hopped onto a call with Children's Hospital at Sinai. We fund a child life program there and I got to meet the entire team today on an hour long call. If I couldn't go to Baltimore, Baltimore came to me. It was an important call and necessary, because sometimes email just doesn't cut it. 

After that, I ran out to go grocery shopping. Came home, put groceries away, folded the laundry, put it away and then got my parents mobilized to go out. If I don't plan things for them, they would remain sedentary, which wouldn't serve any of us well. Though I try to eat out only once a week, today, we went to the Cheesecake Factory. My good friend gave me a gift card to this restaurant and taking a break from cleaning and cooking were appreciated. 

While at the restaurant, music was playing. It was songs that I used to hear when I was in college. It was a very nostalgic dining experience and unfortunately made me very upset and depressed. I also was surrounded by happy couples. People talking, holding hands, and connecting. Between grocery shopping and dining out today, I felt crushed. Somehow these activities heightened how alone I feel. How directionless, and how once again life is spinning totally out of my control. 

Yesterday I received a beautiful gift of loose tea and a tea lover cup from our cousin. Today, I received a photo of this painting by my friend, Ilona. It is 'Sunshine in a Cup.' It ties into yesterday's gift in which tea symbolizes A HUG IN A CUP. 

Meanwhile check this out! Indie has taken to Sunny's bed! You have to love her. Since Sunny died, Indie's personality has exploded. She follows me around, has become very demanding, requires a lot of petting, and when we watch TV at night, she is right by my side. She is channeling her inner Sunny.