Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2009. Mattie was admitted to the hospital that day! How do I know? I know because Mattie was wearing real clothes. He only did this when he wasn't in the hospital. When in the hospital, he lived in pajamas, day and night. As you can see Mattie was in the child life playroom and wasn't a happy camper. While juggling Mattie and how he felt, a former student of mine came to visit. In fact, throughout Mattie's 14 month battle, we had many visitors. Our community wanted us to know that they stood behind us. Frankly when a child has cancer, you feel powerless, so I understood that these visits were outward expressions of love. I could rationalize this, whereas Mattie couldn't! As Mattie's treatment progressed along, his need for isolation magnified. Mattie at that point in time disliked anyone and anything that took my attention away from him. I truly felt like I was constantly juggling so many balls in the air back then, but ultimately my number one priority was to support and protect Mattie. It is hard to believe that both Mattie and Pam (my former student) are now both gone from this earth.
Quote of the day: Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I'm heavy, like there's too much gravity on my heart. ~ Sarah Ockler
Tonight's quote practically leaped off the page at me today. I relate to its sentiments completely! When my eyes open in the morning, I feel like I am hit by a wall of bricks.... "a landslide of sharp, sad rocks." I just can't believe what is happening to my life. My mind and heart can't understand it and I can't tell you the strength it takes to get out of bed, get myself together, and muster to the occasion to care of both of my parents. What I would prefer to do is remain in bed or better yet not wake up at all. I am tired of living with pain, multiple traumas, and grief.
My dad went to bed last night with a fever, a cough, and was very congested. I put on their vaporizer with Vicks and gave him Tylenol. However, I had the where with all to cancel his physical therapy appointment scheduled for today. After I got up, did my usual chores, got my dad showered, dressed, he ate his breakfast and then went to his recliner, I hopped into the car to pick up a supply of COVID tests. My dad gets tested on a regular basis at his memory care center, but before I contacted his doctor today regarding his symptoms, I wanted a negative COVID test in hand. I administered the test and indeed my dad got a negative result.
When I alerted my dad's doctors to his symptoms, the doctor encouraged me to take my dad to urgent care for a flu swab. Apparently the flu is running rampant in Virginia. Lovely! So this afternoon, after my dad rested, I got them both in the car and we went for our urgent care appointment. Fortunately I was smart enough to make an appointment and to do all the paperwork from home.
So my dad got swabbed a second time today, and thankfully he doesn't have the flu either. Clearly just a bad head cold. I have him on Tylenol and got a nasal spray recommended by his doctor called Astepro (an antihistamine spray without steroids).
I wish I could say that my migraine has disappeared. Unfortunately it is very present and tonight I truly thought a knife was going through my eye. It is that painful. But I try to put this pain somewhere, in order to be able to work and function. I am not sure how I found the strength to start revamping Mattie Miracle's Walk website, but I did take that on and I am happy to report it is coming along. The one positive for this Saturday!
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