Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. That day we were going to get admitted to the hospital. While waiting for a room in the outpatient clinic, we had a lovely visit with flight attendants from United Airlines. They came to meet with the children and gave Mattie this adorable teddy bear, a card, and wings! Check out Mattie's beautiful smile! Visits like these were truly appreciated and I will never forget the many acts of kindness that surrounded us during Mattie's 14 month journey.
Quote of the day: Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I'm heavy, like there's too much gravity on my heart. ~ Sarah Ockler
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I am lucky enough to have a tried and true person who comes to help me clean our house twice a month. Today was cleaning day, and in order to get my parents up and ready by 8:30am, I have to get up at 5:30am. When I tell you I was dragging all day, I am not kidding. In fact, the ear pressure from my migraine was better yesterday, but today, I have confronted many stressors, and sure enough my left ear is acting up again. We take for granted when our ears work perfectly. When they act up it truly changes how we move and are able to balance.
The wonderful person who helps me clean, is someone who came into my life when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. She was introduced to me by my neighbor in Washington, DC. Now 15 years later, we are still together. Today, while I was out, she happened to break something. When I got home, she apologized and felt terrible. I told her..... it's a thing! Not a person! Accidents happen and given that she and I are both dealing with great stressors in our lives, I told her we have bigger things to worry about.... THIS IS NOT one of them!
I received a text message today from an acquaintance. Someone I have met in the last two years, but not someone who knows me very well. CLEARLY, because if she did, she would never have written what she wrote. She was explaining why it is important for me to get out of my house, meet people, and get on with my life. HONESTLY, if you want to pet me backward.... just be prescriptive with me. I don't deal with directives well, and I most definitely do not deal well with directives that involve my emotions, my feelings, and what is in my heart. I provided a kind response, but responses to me during times of stress and crisis, give me great insight into the person delivering the message.
What I learned from Mattie's diagnosis and death is not everyone is able to sit with me in pain. Not everyone is cut out to absorb my emotions, hear my thoughts and concerns, and curb one's instinct to provide platitudes and pep talks. In fact, platitudes and pep talks send me right over the deep end, because what they do in negate how I am feeling, they negate the trauma I am facing, and what it tells me is that someone thinks what I am coping with has an easy solution. There are NO QUICK FIXES to some issues. I would love a problem that has a quick solution for once, but this is not the hand I was dealt.
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