Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Mattie was in the outpatient clinic working on creating a vase on the pottery wheel. This was Mattie's first experience working with clay. He loved it and I have many of his creations in my office. However, the piece he was working on in this photo was actually presented to me in its final form on Mother's day. He glazed the vase a beautiful red color and he and his art therapists put tissue paper roses in the vase. It is a priceless keepsake that I feature in our family room today.
Quote of the day: We’re drawn to companion animals by their absolute innocence. These are beings who present themselves exactly as they truly are—no pretense, vanity, or self-consciousness. ~ Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio
When the artist began this water color sketch, Sunny was still alive and I had no idea how my life was going to be ravaged apart. In a way this painting captures the innocence of my existence. The calm before the storm.
In September of 2023, I reached out to the artist, and put the commissioned work on a permanent hold. The whole thing saddens me intensely. Now the photo of this beautiful creation embodies the incredible and heart breaking losses in my life.
Though we lost an hour because of day light savings time, this hour felt like ten! I just couldn't get up. In the past I was never affected by the time changing, but now, all I can say is wow. I had my usual day of craziness, which of course included many runs to the bathroom with my dad. The beauty of my dad is his memory span is about 30 seconds long. So he could have an accident in the bathroom one minute, and the next minute he has NO RECOLLECTION! I mean NOTHING. In fact my dad hasn't only lost short term memory, he has very little long term memory as well. He can't recall where he used to live, doesn't remember his houses, and when I show him photos of where he used to work, he can't recall the place or buildings. It is truly a sad commentary, as he is a shell of his former self. If I just had my dad to manage that would be hard enough, but I also have my mom. She presents her own sets of challenges cognitively and emotionally. So together, I wonder how I truly make it through each day. Of course caregiving is only part of the hurt I am experiencing. I think by far the worst thing about all of this is I am doing it alone.
I love when people tell me that God gives us only as much as we can handle. WRONG! Or better yet, that God gives us these things because he knows we can manage them. Also WRONG. These are platitudes of grand proportion. I certainly do not understand God's plan in my life, but what I do know is I have had my share of pain, and one nightmare after the other.
The highlight of my day today was my cousin left me a voice mail. I of course was managing my dad in the bathroom, but the message was so thoughtful, meaningful, and sensitive that I have kept it to listen to on down days. My cousin has selflessly provided care to many loved ones in her life. In fact, she has devoted her life to helping others. It takes a very strong, courageous, compassionate, and amazing woman to do this because with each caregiving role a piece of your body, mind, and spirit are worn away. Which is why, when my cousin reaches out to me and tells me I am special and there is only one Vicki, I listen! I listen because she knows what I am facing each day and the heartache I am living with. Yet no matter how I am feeling.... exhausted, depleted, depressed, and hopeless, I muster the energy to carry on because my parents need me.
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