Sunday, March 17, 2024

Sunday, March 17, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. On St. Patrick's Day to be specific! That day we were headed to the outpatient clinic, for Mattie to receive his weekly infusion of an experimental treatment. He was decked out in all his shamrock gear that he received from Team Mattie. What will always amaze me about Mattie was despite all that he was dealing with and how badly he felt, he never refused to see his friends at the hospital (child life specialist, art therapist, interns, and physical therapist). These women made the impossible more manageable and gave us the opportunity for Mattie to be a child, NOT just a child with cancer.

Quote of the day: With no concept of beginnings or endings, dogs probably don’t know that for people having a dog as a life companion provides a streak of light between two eternities of darkness. ~ Stanley Coren

I have to admit that I am not an adventurous walker, especially in the woods. I can get lost very easily and therefore unless I have a companion, I usually stick to the pavement. However, in our neighborhood, there are trails that are close to the houses, so when I get confused in the woods, I literally walk through someone's yard and get back to pavement. Trust me I have done it several times already!

When I walked with Sunny, I felt more confident. He was my constant companion and I knew if anyone tried something with me, he would bark and go hysterical. I can't tell you how many woods walks we did together! I miss my buddy. Going on these trails no longer interest me. 

This week I received a lovely email from a fellow bereaved mom who lost her daughter in 2009, the same year as Mattie, to bone cancer. Though we are across the country from each other, I am honored that she still checks into the blog. 

She wrote to comment on something I wrote recently. Specifically with regards to an acquaintance of mine who told me that I need to leave the house, live my life, and find my own way in the world. Truthfully, that comment will stay with me forever, and I hate to admit it, but it clouds my judgment on this acquaintance. Directives and platitudes don't and have never worked with me. 

My commentary inspired this fellow mom to write to me. Mainly because she RELATED and CONCURRED with my sentiments. She reflected on the time she was in the hospital caring around the clock for her daughter. Her daughter's hospital had signs around the unit that reflected the image you see here.... Apply your own oxygen mask first. We understand the nature of this comment, especially in an airplane/crisis situation. But this philosophy doesn't work in a hospital setting. I would go onto say that the philosophy doesn't even work when caregiving for a family member. The only thing such a platitude results in is anger, disillusionment, and severs the possibility of connecting with the person or institution delivering the message. 

I sometimes wonder when I receive such messages whether the person delivering them thinks I am stupid or out of touch with reality? Do people think I lack the insight that I need help, support, and rest? While Mattie was battling cancer, I was well aware of my frailties and vulnerabilities, AS I AM NOW. Having insight, perspective, and introspection are not things I am short on. However, there are times in one's life when we are aware of what needs to be done. We take on such huge responsibilities for different reasons, but instead of getting lectures, the most effective way to assist someone in my position is to be there emotionally for me. 

I love when my therapist asks me.... what would you tell a client who is in your position? Basically how would I help them? This is a hard question to answer because I am not just dealing with caregiving issues. If I only had one crisis to manage, WOW life would be a lot easier. But I am juggling several all at the same time, and one decision can impact the others. So as I tell the therapist, I would be outright clear with my client..... I have NO solutions! There are NO quick fixes. But what I can do is support you during every step of the process and ensure that you do not feel alone. I am not sure the therapist likes that answer, and what this tells me is.... she has never been a full time caregiver of an aging family member. Or any family member with a significant issue or illness for that matter. 

But here's the interesting thing. This fellow bereaved mom, who I have never met in person, a mom I don't connect with all the time, can read my words, and instantly relate, understand what I am expressing, and take the time to write and say.... She get's it! To me this is a gift, to be understood through the power of my words and feelings.