Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2004. Mattie was two years old. He absolutely LOVED his frog sandbox, which sat on our deck for years. I can't tell you how many toys Mattie had in that box! When Mattie died, we put the frog sandbox in our commons area. I never thought that other kids would use it. When I first saw kids using Mattie's box, I felt like someone had stabbed me with a knife. It pained me to see other kids in the box, playing with his toys, and was even more fascinated that parents would allow their kids access to something that did not belong to them. However, over time, that feeling of anger and pain, turned into Mattie's joy and happiness being passed along to other children. I assure you that switch in my thinking was not automatic and it did not come easily. But I did get there. I also rationalized that others playing with Mattie's box, could never diminish or erase Mattie's memory in my mind and heart.
Quote of the day: Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I’m heavy, like there’s too much gravity on my heart. ~ Sarah Ockler
It was another busy day. My mom's physical therapist was here at 10am. I had my dad home with us today because I had a doctor's appointment at 3pm, and I couldn't juggle his afternoon pick up at his memory care center and get to my appointment in time. While my mom did her therapy, I was on the phone with insurer. I tell you I am getting quite an education in long term care insurance.
I had to fax a document to my dad's health insurer today. I literally left my parents in the car for less than ten minutes. When I got back into the car, I smelled something! I knew that meant my dad had to go to the bathroom. He did not want to go back home, so I proceeded to take them to Starbuck's as they requested. However, despite my best efforts, my dad had already pooped in his pants, and I had a big clean up job to do! This issue is becoming a daily routine, and I assure you it is less than pleasant. Don't worry about my dad. Seconds after this happens he has NO recall of what just transpired. It protects his dignity, which is good, but it is a big WOW for me.
I learned a few months ago that my doctor, who I have been seeing since I was about 25 years old, is retiring. Mind you she is my age! So I am still stunned she is retiring. I met with her today for my annual physical. I got my blood test results back and my cholesterol is still high. I was very dejected going into this appointment, as I have lost 20 pounds and restrict things like ice cream, cheese, and bread. Yet despite that the test still showed a high LDL (the bad cholesterol). Make a long story short, I wasn't looking at my numbers in context. In comparison to where I was last year at this time, my LDL is beautiful. It has dropped significantly and it has even decreased from 6 months ago. So though I thought I wasn't making progress, I am. I am so inundated with my parent's care that I can't even see the bigger picture of my own.
However, when I told my doctor about my ear pressure and fluttering, she did not like what she was hearing. So I have to schedule a brain MRI soon, to rule out issues like aneurysms. My paternal uncle died from an aneurysm at an early age, so of course I will be compliant and do the test. Given my migraines, I have had many brain MRIs over the years. But now everything I experience is far more daunting, far more frightening, because I am doing it alone. I am alone!
When I was chatting with my doctor about her retirement, I literally began to cry. This is someone I have grown up with! Mattie loved my doctor too. I remember taking him with me one day for an appointment and he told me he thought the doctor was 'cute.' My doctor is retiring because her close friends invited her to live near them in Hawaii. Since my doctor is like me, without a child and husband, she felt she needed to think carefully about her future. She doesn't want a future alone, and as she was talking, I absolutely understood wholeheartedly the decision she was making. She has devoted 25 years to patient care and I told her this is now her time. That said, I don't like change on a good day. Now forget it! In any case, she has made an appointment to see me in the Fall, so we can continue to chat, check in on how I am doing, and potentially meet the doctor who will be taking over her patients. The loss just keeps on coming.
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