Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2004. Mattie was celebrating his second birthday that day! The theme that year was trains! Take a look at Mattie's hands! One had a hot wheel car in it and the other his sippy cup of milk. These things were like his security blanket. Though this party was years ago, I recall the feelings and the day like it were yesterday.
Quote of the day: The loss is immeasurable but so is the love left behind. ~ Anonymous
This morning after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I went back home and then drove my mom to the hospital for her pulmonology appointment. My mom has many long standing lung issues, that she is monitored for every six months. The doctor today thought she was doing very well. In comparison to Winter 2023, Winter 2024 was a lot better for my mom. Last winter, my mom developed a lung infection and was on antibiotics for thirty days, and literally had little or no energy to do anything. Of course what the doctor isn't aware of, is my role in my mom's daily existence. He may not acknowledge that it is me keeping her healthy, but I don't need his validation.
Toward the end of the appointment, the doctor asked what we were doing for the summer. He wanted to know if we were going anywhere! I literally wanted to say.... are you kidding? But instead, I just answered that it is hard to travel given my dad's condition. The doctor has no idea that my life is a train wreck or the daily struggles that I face. Nor does he know that I haven't had a day off since my parents moved into my home in December of 2021. Imagine NOT ONE day of a break! I truly think the average person would have lost it by now. Caregiving is hard enough, but I am caregiving under the most difficult of circumstances. I truly do not know how one recovers from the catastrophic loss I am living with.
Some days, I am sad. Some days I am angry and other days I am indifferent. On another note, tomorrow is going to a challenging day, as I have both of my parents at home and a team of people coming to install a new furnace. They were supposed to come on Saturday, but I received a call this evening, saying they could come on Thursday instead. I want to get it over with, but when I say there is no peace, no down time, I am not kidding. As my therapist says.... I live in constant hyper alert mode, which I know will have long term ramifications on my health. In so many ways, I am a walking case study on loss, grief, and trauma.
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