Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That day we took him to the National Arboretum. It was one of my favorite places to visit in the month of April. Mainly because they have thousands of azaleas all in bloom. It truly is an unforgettable sight, especially coming off of winter. As most of Mattie's friends are graduating from college this spring, for me, life stopped when Mattie died at age 7. No matter how much time goes by, life for me is forever 7. I have no doubt if Mattie were alive today, he would be my greatest ally.
Quote of the day: Love is love, I told her, as I tell all of my patients who are ashamed to find themselves shattered by the death of a dog. Loss is loss. ~ Meg Donohue
My day started at 6am. I got up early to manage all my morning chores, before the HVAC team arrived at 8:30am. When I tell you I literally had to drag myself out of bed, I am not kidding. I was told to prepare for a furnace install to take 6-8 hours. The two guys were efficient, professional, and literally within three hours that installed the unit and the condenser outside. Because strangers in the house upsets Indie, the cat, I moved her food and liter box to one of the bedrooms on our second floor. I think she was grateful!
While the furnace was being installed, I decided to go grocery shopping while my dad's physical therapist was here. It is a chore I prefer to do mid-week when most people are at work or school. For the most part I dislike crowds and in my hyper alert stage, I need to keep moving.
Later in the afternoon, I took my parents to Starbucks. Truthfully this is about the only place we can go to, because my mom and I are devastated and it is comforting to know all the people working at the store and at the same time, NOT have to talk to anyone. I have little to no interest in engaging in conversation. It is too taxing and it neither helps my head, heart, or spirit. Naturally whenever my dad is in tow, there is no peace. I landed up taking him to the bathroom twice at Starbucks. I assure you IBS and dementia are a diabolical combination. My parents are lucky I have a strong constitution, because after one of my dad's bathroom routines, most people would be sworn off of food for good.
When we got back home, I settled my parents down. They napped for several hours, and I went out to our front yard. I weeded for over an hour and filled up a half of a large garbage bin. The one thing this house is never short on and that's weeds. Thankfully I find it therapeutic to pull out weeds. After yard work, I made dinner. Our meals are typically filled with laments or commentary from my mom and my dad jumping up to the bathroom. I haven't ate a meal in peace for almost three years.
In order to attend this conference, I flew out to Los Angeles and I left Mattie with my parents. I then continued on to Hawaii and I think I was there for about four days. I traveled there alone and I frankly will never forget that moment in time. I was on my way to be elected the President of the American Mental Health Counselors Association. With this big position, a lot of leadership was interested in getting to know me and to interact with me. I recall going out to many wonderful dinners with leaders and at that moment in time, I thought my life was headed in a particular direction. Little did I know that only a few years later, Mattie would get diagnosed with cancer. I NEVER was able to serve my role as president of that organization and my future career and interests changed overnight. Never to be seen again. Going to Hawaii was a happy and exciting time and if someone would have told me that my destination was to have Mattie die in my arms and then 15 years after that have my husband leave me, I would NOT have believed it for one minute. If only I could turn the hands of time back to that moment in Hawaii.
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