Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2007. That week we were visiting Peter's parents in Boston. While there, we went on a Boston Harbor boat ride with the family. Mattie loved this time with his cousins and as you can see he was holding onto my niece's hand. I was sitting behind Mattie, and though I wanted him to have this adventure, I was always worried about safety and drowning. Don't you just love that smile?!
Quote of the day: No matter how hard your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief. ~ Faraaz Kazi
I survived my first July 4th without Peter. It is very hard acknowledging that he has wanted to be separated from me for ten months now. These have been extremely stressful months, filled with tasks, caregiving, managing finances, a large house, and of course the emotional toll of not being loved and supported by the one person in my life I thought I always could trust and count on.
As tonight's quote points out, the world does indeed keep revolving and functioning regardless of me, my grief, or the turmoil I am facing. I learned this early on when Mattie died. To me my world ended when Mattie died, yet the sun kept shining, people kept working, the economy kept plugging away, and for everyone else it is was business as usual. Because of that traumatic loss, I had to disengage with the world in order to protect myself. In many ways, the feelings of self protection, isolation, and creating barriers are very familiar concepts to me. Concepts I am reverting back to because what I am facing now is beyond belief, devastating, and if I do not actively work on it, all of this could make me unstable, depressed, and unable to function.
Three things I am grateful for:
- Learning to trust my gut feelings! They are never wrong.
- Having faith and hope.
- Nothing breaking down in the house today!
2 comments:
Were there any warning signs from Peter before the breakup happened? How can someone protect themselves from this happening?
Excellent question! Some day I will be able to discuss the complexities of my issue in greater detail. Right now, you are missing many key components. But what I can tell you is that NO there were no warning signs (other than the factor I am not telling you about). Peter and I have known each other since we were 19 years old. We survived the death of Mattie and we were each other's world. Which is why this is so devastating, because we had a once in a life time kind of love.
When you are with someone for 35 years, you have the utmost trust and respect for them. With age, we all have ups and downs, and therefore, any changes I may have observed were explainable up until 2023. It is heart breaking to have no communication, to be shut out of Peter's life, and to be a total stranger to him.
The only advice I would have for couples is to FOLLOW your GUT instinct. You know your spouse better than anyone else. If something is off, pursue it, question it, try to discuss it, and if that doesn't work, follow your heart. I believe in time the TRUTH always reveals itself, and with the truth, solutions present themselves.
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