Saturday, July 6, 2024Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2005. Mattie was three years old and that week, we took Mattie to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Our tradition was always to stop at Morris Farms, before heading onto the Island. I loved purchasing fresh fruits, vegetables and other goodies. Not to mention picking up their peach salsa. Mattie did not mind stopping because of all the tractors they had out front! Farmer Brown was in his element. Back then, I thought we would have many, many more family trips to this barrier island. Sometimes I wonder, why does this happen for so many other families, and not mine? But I realize asking why questions, is counterproductive. The only thing I can say is wow, how lucky other families are, and the sad part is they may not even realize it!
Quote of the day: Love that remains longest in your heart is the one that is not returned. ~ Unknown
My rubrum lilies are beginning to open up. Their blossoms look like fireworks to me, which is very timely for July 4th week. I have always loved these flowers, mainly for the fragrance. About two years ago, Peter planted rubrum lily bulbs in our backyard, to surprise me in the spring and summer. It is hard to believe that the flowers remain, but Peter is gone. Not just separated from me, but Peter wants nothing to do with me. It is beyond difficult for my mind to understand how any of this has happened, how do you go from best friends and lifelong companions, to nothing? No communication at all! I wake up each morning pondering this and I go to bed equally perplexed.
After taking my parents out for frozen yogurt today, we walked into the house and for just a split moment, my inclination was to call out to Peter. But quickly my reality hit me. There are times this feeling comes over me where I am stymied with anxiety and then I get that feeling like I could jump out of my skin. The loss of Peter is indescribable and I am not sure I will ever get over this.
I came across an article today on Kelsey Grammer. I am a big Cheers and Frasier fan, so when I saw the article about about Kelsey Grammer, I pulled it up to read further. I would never have guessed that Mr. Grammer is a survivor of many traumatic deaths (grandfather, father, sister, and step brothers). The article is entitled, How Kelsey Grammer overcame harrowing personal tragedies in his life before rising to fame. It is remarkable given all his incredible losses and the traumas associated with each, that he was able to find his way in the world, and not just find his way, but to perform and bring laughter and happiness to thousands of people. Reading his story today, made me pause, because it is the perfect example of the strength and determination of the human spirit. In the article he stated, "I abandoned the effort to find a reason to be alive."
This statement resonated with me and I related to it with every fiber of my being. You get to a point when you are drowning in grief and trauma and there really is no reason to be alive. I struggle with these moments daily. For now, my reason is caring for my parents, but if they weren't alive, things would be much for complicated for me and my existence. I guess my point in mentioning this is reading Kelsey Grammer's words today helped me see I am not alone. Others face such low depths of existence.
I have not removed Sunny's bed from our family room! Why? Well look who loves and has adopted it! Indie spends a lot of time on Sunny's bed and I have no doubt she smells him and perhaps like me, in her own way, misses the Sunman!
This afternoon, my neighbor wanted me to come over to her house and visit. Judi has been incredibly supportive of me during my caregiving ordeal and separation. Today she surprised me with this mixed berry pie. As I always say, things can look better over pie.
After visiting, Judi, I came home to make dinner, and my mom started in on me. She wants my life to be better, for me to have a different outlook, and basically in the process she negates the depths of my feelings. This only adds to my heartache, and I assure you my heart is already quite full of pain.
A close up of this beautiful mixed berry pie!
Three things to be grateful for:
- Judi and having a neighbor who cares about me and my feelings.
- Homemade pie!
- Air conditioning and frozen yogurt.
2 comments:
Dear Vicki, I'm not sure if you are aware, but just wanted to mention that lilies are highly toxic to cats. Maybe Indie is better behaved than mine and won't ever jump up on the counter, but even getting pollen on their fur and licking it off can be fatal. I'd hate to see another tragedy happen to you.
Thank you for caring about my Indie! Indie is only interested in grasses! THANKFULLY! You are correct, I do not need one more tragedy.
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