Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2002. Mattie was three years old and I worked hard to get him to spend a few minutes on his back and tummy (as recommended by his doctor). Both of which he disliked intensely. Mattie preferred to be upright and on his feet! If he could have walked at age three to six months, he would have! To me, he had the most precious profile and his nostrils (if looking up his nose) looked like a heart. What a beautiful baby!
Quote of the day: The worst feeling in the world is when you can’t love anyone else because your heart still belongs to the one who broke it. ~ Unknown
We took Karen to the restaurant we go to every Sunday for brunch. While at the restaurant, Cheryl, our server who I have gotten to know very well, told me that one of the managers asked her..... where is Peter? Cheryl did not say much other than we were in the process of getting a divorce. When I tell people we are getting a divorce, I get all sorts of reactions. ALL expressions of SHOCK! No one saw this coming, not me, family, or friends.
I am not sure why I am so embarrassed about this abandonment, but I am. I took pride in our long term relationship, in the fact that we survived child loss, and established the Foundation in Mattie's memory, which has helped thousands of children with cancer. For the past several months, I have been dealing with one task after the other. As I have had a steep learning curve to manage finances, bill paying, managing my parents and their bills, taxes, and not to mention everything to operate this house. It feels like I have been hit by a tsunami. However, today a new emotion arose. A sense of longing and the feeling that I MISS MY PETER. Where on earth did he go? The pain or heart break is intense and internally there are times I feel like a caged rat. You know when the rat runs in circles, is anxious, and desperate to find a way out. This is how I feel!
I do not understand what is happening. NOT one bit. How can I feel this way and yet Peter is a happy camper and okay knowing how decimated he has left me???? There is nothing I wouldn't do to unearth the real answers and to find out where the man I loved for 36 years went.
I am a bundle of emotions these days, which sometimes makes it hard for me to connect with people. Karen visited us for four days and got to further experience my reality. This evening I drove Karen to Union Station and in true fashion it was chaotic, trains were cancelled and I honestly thought I would have to drive back to Washington, DC and pick her up tonight. It was very stressful for Karen and I was on the highway driving home, while she was dealing with the chaos. Fortunately she is assertive and befriended other passengers around her and together they figured out how to board another train. But it was all very unclear and at the end of the day, I am saddened for older adults and others who were unable to advocate for themselves and were left stranded at the train station. Amtrak has to do better!
Junko's butterfly card sits right next to this antique fan. The fan is made of feathers. My mother in law gave me this fan when I was getting married. Yes I have had it on display in our home for 29 years. I just can't believe that I have the fan, but not my husband.
Dear God, give me the strength to find a way to manage the host of emotions I feel over the loss of Peter.
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