Thursday, July 25, 2024

Thursday, July 25, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. My last birthday with Mattie! That day, Mattie worked hard with my in-laws to create this beautiful lighthouse birthday card. Mattie visited many lighthouses with me and Peter's parents. Which was the inspiration for the card. So many wonderful memories are attached to lighthouses for me and I am so glad I shared them with Mattie. I wish this adorable face was still with me today, as I know he would be a force, ally, and a great support. 

Quote of the day: When one person is missing the whole world seems empty. ~ Pat Schweibert

Tonight's quote is so poignant. I am very grateful for family and friends who reached out to me through cards, emails, and gifts. It means so much to me, especially since this was a difficult day emotionally. While I was going through my morning routine, before I got my dad up and showered, my phone rang. My in-laws called to sing me "Happy Birthday!" For the last 35 years, my in-laws have done this and today was no different. This made me feel special and loved. What this shows me is that I am a part of the family, I matter to them and they value the role I served in Peter's life. 

While my dad was having his physical therapy session, I did a ton of chores. While driving, Alan Jackson's song, Remember When, came on the radio. I attached it below if you have never heard it. Typically I am too numb or stressed out to feel anything, but this song hit me like a ton of bricks. I was crying hysterically while driving, and by the time I got to the grocery store, I looked like I went ten rounds. The song perfectly captures the sentiments that I may have had when I first got married. Basically with the hope of growing old together, having a family, and always being there for one another through thick or thin. Alan Jackson's voice and lyrics just got me and it was like an electric shock going through my body.... what I have is gone. I will never understand how Peter can throw away 36 years of our life together and our history, and I also do not get how he feels that my devotion, faithfulness, commitment, and love is worthless and not fighting for. 

My parents gave me a card this morning. Within the card, I was surprised to get a note from my dad. It said,

Dear Vicki, Very Happy Birthday. God Bless you and I thank God for bringing you into my life. 

I think that says it all! Just when I think my dad isn't all there, he get its. 

We went out to the Cheesecake Factory today. We have gotten to know a wonderful server there. I did not tell Tammy it was my birthday, as I truly am not in a celebratory mood. My mom and I split a piece of chocolate mousse cheesecake. 

When I got home today, I was created with all these treats by my front door. Thank you Cheryl! Mattie would approve of this gift, as he LOVED Golden Oreos and the mini donuts would have been a total hit. I will enjoy working my way through all of these goodies. 

Some of the cards I received. If it wasn't for friends and family alerting me to my birthday, today would have been a big blur to me. When Mattie was diagnosed with cancer and we were going through treatment it was HELL. But here's the difference. We were together, fighting for a common cause, and united by our love. This abandonment is a different sort of HELL, but nonetheless HELL on earth. It is very unsettling to know that my last 36 years were a lie, that they may have mattered to me, but that's where it ended. It is devastating and frankly I am not sure I can or want to survive this mainly because when you give your trust to someone who is supposed to be there for you, who is supposed to love, respect, and honor your union, and then that person walks away, it transforms you, and not for the better. I have a very cynical view of the world and people in it.