Tuesday, July 23, 2024

Tuesday, July 23, 2024 -- Mattie died 773 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2008. That day Mattie had a bone biopsy to confirm that he had Osteosarcoma. You can see how swollen Mattie's arm was from the tumor. The one thing I quickly learned was that Mattie hated bandages. He despised the tape and removing them was great torture. Over that year Mattie was in treatment, there were many bandages and dressing changes I had to perform. I became an expert at removing all sticky stuff off of Mattie's body (the key is rubbing alcohol). In fact, I would say that I served the role of nurse, doctor, parent, friend, and play buddy throughout Mattie's journey. I would have had it no other way.

Quote of the day: One day you'll finally see, your biggest mistake was not loving me. ~ Nishan Panwar

A day NEVER to be forgotten, July 23, 2008! A day that changed our lives FOREVER! Sixteen years ago today, Mattie was diagnosed with Osteosarcoma (bone cancer). In July of 2008, Mattie was enrolled in a tennis camp. A week into the camp, Mattie complained of arm pain. We figured he sprained something or had a sore muscle from holding the tennis racket.

While enrolled in camp, I attended a conference in San Diego. Each night while I was away I checked in with Peter and I continued to hear that Mattie's arm pain wasn't getting better. Before leaving San Diego, I made a doctor's appointment to take Mattie in the day after I landed back home.

Fortunately Mattie's pediatrician took our complaints seriously, as I told her the issue had been going on for two weeks, with no improvement. From the doctor's office, we walked over to Virginia Hospital Center for x-rays. I admit that I got very frustrated with the radiology tech, because what I deemed should be an easy x-ray process turned into an hour long fiasco. THAT WAS THE FIRST CLUE SOMETHING WAS VERY WRONG.

After the x-rays were taken, the tech told me to go to a waiting room. I will NEVER forget this room. Mattie and I walked into a room filled with adults. NO hospital representative was in the room, only patients and ONE phone. We sat down and within five minutes the phone rang. NO ONE went to answer the phone, it just kept on ringing. So I decided to pick it up. 

On the other end of the phone line was the radiologist, who asked for Mattie Brown's mom. When I told him I was Mattie's mom, he then said I needed to go right back to the pediatrician's office. I said, ABSOLUTELY NOT! I wasn't leaving that room until he told me what he saw on those x-rays. He did not want to tell me, but I forced it out of him. So I heard that Mattie had osteosarcoma over the phone, surrounded by a group of strangers and Mattie staring at me. I tried not to sound alarmed but it's a bit hard after hearing...... your child has cancer.

July 23, 2008, was my first experience with medical trauma, and unfortunately that was just one of many traumas we experienced as a family. You maybe asking what's with these photos and the Christmas lights in July? Mattie requested that we take all our Christmas lights out on diagnosis day. He did not understand cancer, but he knew enough to know that something was very wrong and that the bright lights of Christmas may help lift all our spirits. The beauty of Mattie Brown..... you are dearly missed today and always. 

It maybe 16 years ago, but the pain of Mattie's loss is felt forever. Our lives and future have been permanently changed. We will never forget. Mattie's legacy lives on brightly as he has taught me that Childhood Cancer is NOT Just About the Medicine!

Of course this is a day I will always vividly remember. But this was the first anniversary I had to acknowledge without Peter by my side. Not only was he not by my side, but he did not contact me at all to reflect on this day. That alone is a very sad commentary, as Mattie's life is worth remembering, and what this tells me is that I ALONE must continue Mattie's legacy. A mother's love is forever and never wavering. 

This afternoon I took my parents out for frozen yogurt. I had to do it earlier in the day because I was expecting our Verizon tech to visit by 3pm. While at the yogurt store, I have gotten to know the manager. She is a lovely woman, with multiple children, and she is a cancer survivor. Her birthday is also July 25th. She gave me free yogurt today for my birthday and she told me that God sees everything I am doing. She sees me weekly with both of my parents and watches what I juggle. Since Mattie was diagnosed, I do question God and his plan. His plan hasn't been kind to me and right now maybe one of his worst chapters yet. 

Shortly after I got home, our Verizon tech arrived. I call him my Verizon Angel. He is the best tech ever. His family is from Harlem, and we share a NY connection. He prides himself on delivering quality service and understands how important the TV is to my parents. In fact, he squeezed me into his day in order to help me with cable boxes that aren't working well. We got an upgraded service today, he helped me learn how to use the new remotes, and I truly am grateful that I have a host of people I can reach out to, to help. I need it, because what I sorely realize on any given day is that I am alone. I am alone to navigate the impossible. Thank goodness for my Verizon angel. While dealing with this angel, another angel rang my door. Steve is one of our lawn care people. He knows what I am dealing with and personally comes by on a regular basis to check in on me and to see how he can help. Two angels in one day, Mattie is looking down on me for sure.