Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2002. Mattie was one month old. I absolutely loved that Mattie dreamy face! A total cutie and I remember those eyes looking at me like it were yesterday. It is hard to believe that Mattie would have turned 22 this year. So many years taken by childhood cancer.
Quote of the day: The human heart is the only thing whose worth increases the more it is broken. ~ Shakieb Orgunwall
As I mentioned before, I have developed a friendship with a woman in England. We met through an on-line support group. The group did not resonate with me whatsoever. I lasted two sessions and gave up. However, this woman and I bonded immediately. We have been chatting daily for months. She writes in the morning and I write, right before I go to bed. Honestly, we support each other, and we haven't even one another in person. This alone is amazing, as our situations are somewhat similar and we are both navigating through abandonment and caregiving for parents simultaneously. She sent me the quote below from one of her on-line support groups. It read....................
Most women are shocked and bewildered when their husbands turn from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde --- when the concerned, loving man you knew so well morphs overnight into an angry stranger. Why does that happen? You may understand that he doesn't want to be with you but why does he have to be mean?
A lot of times men go through a complex process before they drop the bomb and they may have ambivalence. That makes them afraid that if they're too nice to you, they'll back down. They need to construct a powerful story in their heads of everything you did wrong in order to justify breaking up the marriage. Plus, they don't want to feel that they are to blame, so they make you the culprit and then act accordingly.
If they admit that you were a good wife and it was a good marriage, then leaving you seems crazy, so they have to plead a case for the opposite. You don't need to believe your husband's version of your marriage. It just serves his purposes at the moment.
Here's the thing about this woman and I. We both deeply love our husbands and we cherish the bond we thought we had. Therefore, ironically, neither of us speak badly about our husbands. In fact, if you talk to me in person, you will find that I generally won't say negative things about Peter. Why? Because the person he has become is NOT the person I loved and was married to for 29 years, therefore, this new person is a foreigner to me. Not sure if this is just our defense mechanisms kicking in, refusing to accept that these changes are indeed a part and within the men we love. I just can't go there right now. It is too painful emotionally.
It is a constant daily cycle of torture. Trying to make sense out of the unexplainable. Listening to me can sound a lot like a broken record. Not unlike working with a person trying to come to terms with a significant loss. The only way is to process, re-process, and share. But sharing with someone who understands the depths of this despair, I find deeply helpful.
This afternoon, I put my issues "in a box." This is what my friend in England and I refer to taking a pause from the heartache to regroup. To try to clear our minds. When I want to put things in a box for an hour or so, we go to Starbuck's. While at Starbuck's, I was invited by the staff to attend one of their coffee tastings. So I did and learned about light roasted coffees. Mind you I am NOT a coffee fan whatsoever. While trying to have my "in a box" time, guess who sat next to my mom and me?! A couple who is in the process of going through a divorce.
I tried to mind my own business, but listening to them was painful. From an outsider looking in, one may have thought the husband was a good guy. After all he was talking calmly, taking notes, and not raising his voice. While the wife was emotional and beside herself. At one point she cried, he had no reaction. However, what caught my attention was two things. She got a phone call at the table. He asked her..... who is calling you? She wouldn't answer. She basically said, I will talk to this person later. But the call came in again. At that point he asked.... who is on the phone that you don't want me to know about? She finally answered! It is a non-profit to help battered women. All I know is I went from my "in a box" time, to being OVERWHELMED with these two individuals sitting right next to me!
The scenario that played out right before my eyes remains me with tonight. I am thinking about all women affected by abandonment, separation, and divorce. The pain and loss of one's future disintegrating, and the past being wiped and swept away, are so hard to describe that words can't do it justice. Simply, THERE ARE NO WORDS.
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