Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old and this was technically his second Halloween. But it was the first one that we actually took him out to go trick of treating. At that time, Peter's brother was living in Washington, DC. We went to their neighborhood so Mattie could go house to house with his cousins. Fortunately we brought Mattie's stroller with us, because after a few houses, Mattie had it! He was creeped out by the Halloween decorations, and he wasn't motivated by candy! In fact, Mattie did not like most sweets. This was the one thing we DIDN'T have in common. What I do know was Mattie made the cutest pumpkin!!!
Quote of the day: I went inside my heart to see how it was. Something there makes me hear the whole world weeping. ~ Rumi
I woke up at 5:30am in order to get myself ready, breakfast made, the first floor cleaned up, and then my dad showered, dressed and downstairs. I had a heating technician scheduled to come over at 8am. It takes a lot of planning for me to make an 8am appointment work. Our second floor has been freezing and I have been concerned that my parents will get sick from the cold.
Everything on my end was working timing wise. Of course the technician's schedule was altered and he did not get to me until 12:30pm. There wasn't anything I could do about this, because I needed this problem addressed. I was truly a nervous wreck about his visit, because I know all the furnaces in our house are old. I replaced one this year, and am paying for it for the next 18 months. I most definitely do not want to finance a second one right now. When the tech came, I knew him! He was the same fellow who serviced our furnaces a month ago. I try to do regular maintenance of these things, because I am trying to prolong the lives of the furnaces. I made it very clear to Mason that I am NOT paying for another furnace. Therefore, we have to triage this thing! Any case, after he went to the attic, walked around a bit, I actually heard the fan of the furnace turn on! That was a good sign. When he back came downstairs, he told me that when he did the furnace check up and cleaning a month ago, he shut off the gas valve, and forgot to turn it back into the "on" position! That was the BEST news yet! In fact, when my mom and I heard this, we landed up hugging each other. It was like winning the lottery, as I was bracing for the worst.
I spoke to the technician again about our range and refrigerator in the kitchen. As they are both having issues! They told me they are ordering parts for both appliances and I am hoping that the issues are on the easier end of the problem trajectory. They too have prepared me for the worst as well. NOT what I want to hear.
While home waiting for the technician, I did about another hour of continuing education. I learned about the concept, "Radical Acceptance." Radical acceptance is not approval of the situation. Instead, it is acknowledging that the situation occurred, but cannot be changed. It is living with this reality. I certainly know all about this with Mattie's death. I can't change that Mattie died, nor could I change the process of grieving, but instead with time, I had to find a way forward to live with this heartbreaking loss. The presenter talked about the role of faith. Faith that this is not the last time I will feel a painful emotion and also faith that this painful emotion will pass. Not dissolve, not get erased, but it will evolve in intensity with time. All very interesting and of course as I go through this course, I try to apply these skills to my own heartbreak now.
When Mattie was enduring his cancer diagnosis, Team Mattie would give me sunflowers any time we were home from the hospital. Dealing with the impossible and deeply scared about Mattie's diagnosis and horrific treatment process, seeing these sunflowers reminded me back then that I was not alone. This was the same feeling and sentiment Carolyn wanted to remind me of today.
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