Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and that day we took him to a Fall Festival. It was a wonderful Fall tradition that we did each year with Mattie. This was Mattie's close encounter with a sheep. Mattie loved animals, he naturally gravitated to them and yet was cautious and really did not need to be instructed not to poke, pull, or frighten these creatures.
Quote of the day: I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be. ~ Charles Dickens
The flower arrangement on the table is another gift Cheryl gave me, and I think it brings Fall to our living space. Before my mom left Los Angeles in 2021, her neighbor was having a yard sale. She bought this lovely reproduction painting of John Singer Sargent's, Carnation, Lily, Lily, Rose. I frankly did not know the name of this piece until Kim Richards, the local artist I am working with, came to our home. As soon as she saw it, she said.... I love your Carnation, Lily, Lily, Rose.
When I moved into this house, Peter and I worked hard to transform the space into a place we would all love. Keep in mind I never worked with an interior decorator. I chose colors and arranged the furniture and art work myself! It is ironic, the house is still here, but Peter isn't. It is a huge loss to my daily existence and future. One that I don't foresee ever getting over.
When I went to Michael's back then, I bought these flowers, the fall themed vase, and a fall harvest bough. I love these items.
During that same trip to Michael's, I bought flowers, pine cones, gourds, and a Fall sign, and created this wreath with my handy glue gun! It is a wreath that I still love and I put it on our front door today.
After decorating, doing laundry and other tasks, we headed out to brunch. This is the one meal a week we go out for, and since it was a beautiful weather day, I was hoping we would have a good time. That hope was quickly crushed. My dad had a bout of diarrhea and I literally took him to the bathroom at the restaurant three times and completely changed him each time. When I tell you it is remarkable that I can eat and function after this, I am not joking. Because I am quite sure the average person would be disgusted. Thank goodness I travel with gloves, garbage bags, wipes, depends, and a change of clothing.
Truthfully when I look at my life, I basically say... what a waste of a life. I have devoted my entire life to caring for one person after the other, and have very little to show for it. Other than exhaustion and heart break. There is no peace ever, and when I evaluate what I manage alone each day, I am surprised I am not in a puddle in the corner. I can't eat a meal (whether out or at home) in peace. My dad eats very fast, then pushes his plate away, is constantly blowing his nose at the table (with tissues everywhere), and then puts his head down and "relaxes" while the rest of us are eating. When he isn't eating or resting, he is jumping up to the bathroom. I haven't had a peaceful meal in this house since my parents moved here.
Again, if caregiving and the fiasco associated with this was the only thing I was balancing, that would be one thing. But it is only one thing on a LONG list of other nightmares.
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