Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old. In theory it was his second Halloween. He was only six months old for his first Halloween, therefore, he had no understanding for the holiday. That year, Mattie and I went to Target together and when I saw this pumpkin sweat suit, I thought he would like it, which he did. Mattie had sensitivities to fabrics, anything itchy, and definitely did not like anything constraining, which is typical for most costumes. So for Mattie's second Halloween, he was dressed up as a pumpkin!
Quote of the day: Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart. ~ Washington Irving
Now that my dad's ureter stents have been removed, I thought things were improving for him. But unfortunately for me, they are not. With each trip to the bathroom, I am faced with him stopping up the toilet with massive amounts of toilet paper and urine all over the floor. This is NOT a once a day occurrence. It is every time he goes to the bathroom. When I tell you I am constantly cleaning, I am not kidding. All I can say is WHAT A LIFE. Somedays I wonder why I even get up in the morning.
Given that it was in the 40s this morning, I decided I needed to turn on the heat, because the last thing I need is my parents getting ill. Naturally nothing is easy for me. I had trouble turning the heat on in the second floor. I kept at it, and I think I finally got it to work. On top of dealing with thermostat issues, the kitchen freezer is having issues and the range is making igniting sounds, when the gas is turned off. Truly this morning, I was ready to jump out of the window. I can't take all the stress, nor can I take the stress of juggling budgets and unexpected issues and repairs. I can spiral downhill very quicky these days for many reasons. My life is in shambles, as my future has been decimated and in many ways, my past 35 years I have had with Peter seem non-existent and are being erased. All of this is devastating. Then add onto this financial worries, managing a house, and caregiving around the clock, and I am living the perfect storm.
I range from being anxious, to having great despair. At times, I see no way out of this nightmare and what I can't understand is how does my husband NOT care about me? How could he leave me like this? Better yet, after 35 years together, how can I be this forgettable?
After dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I headed to the hospital for my annual mammogram. Now that I have been labeled high risk for breast cancer, I am juggling MRIs and mammograms yearly. Next month I am headed for genetic counseling. Again, I can't help but be reminded when in these situations, that I am facing all of these things without my husband. I lost my medical emergency contact and frankly I feel like a boat in the ocean without a motor, rudder, or compass. I maybe bobbing around in the water, but I have no destination, no direction, and I am without the hope of finding land or stability.
The mammogram tech was officious. Nonetheless, I complied with her directions and moved along. Within hours, I received my results in the portal, and thankfully everything is fine. But I know how this works, and how fragile life is, as it can change on a dime. I saw this with Mattie's diagnosis and I see it now with my marriage. Just to make it perfectly clear, I take marriage very seriously and no matter how busy I am with my parents, I was willing to seek counseling with Peter. But it takes two to want to work on things, and I learned that I was the only one willing to do the work. The only one who thought our relationship mattered and was worth fighting for. For 35 years, I have devoted my life to my husband and with his leaving, he took away the best of me. A very sobering reality indeed.
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