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Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old and he was invited to his preschool friend's Halloween party. Though Mattie was attending kindergarten that year, he still remained close to a handful of preschool buddies. At the party, they played a mummy game with toilet paper. There were two different teams and they were timed as to which team could create the fastest mummy. Guess who was the mummy on Mattie's team? YES that would have been me under all that toilet paper. I remember that party like it were yesterday!
Quote of the day: Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today? ~ Mary Manin Morrissey
This quote sounds like something my therapist would say! I truly think that some people do not understand trauma and the SLOW process of coping with it. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I do not like change and I most definitely do not walk away from something that makes no sense to me. If I had to let go of something, then I would like to let go of having this kind of life! It is absolutely draining to wake up and manage my caregiving routine alone and to be going through a divorce. At this point I rather walk on hot coals.
It was another 5:30am rising for me today. Every so often I have Blanca come over and help me clean. Blanca and I go way back, as my neighbor in the city introduced her to me in 2008, after Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. So Blanca knew Mattie and followed our journey. She is now following my next traumatic loss and like me, she can't get over it! I tried not telling her for the longest time, as I initially told her that Peter was on travel. But after about three months, I told her. She started crying, and her reaction was..... "you lost so much already and you survived it together!" Very astute comment.
In addition to Blanca, I was managing the winterization of our pool and our second floor heating system not working again! If you have been following along on the blog, then you know I am in a panic about this furnace, because there is no way I can replace it right now. Yet I have two 89 year old's who require a lot of heat! So today was stressful for me on every level.
I have befriended my HVAC person. Mason is a delight and today he gave me his cell phone number. So now I can independently contact my plumber, electrician and HVAC person. They work for a large company, but there is nothing like reaching out to your tech directly. Mason has been helping me with the second floor furnace for a month now. Fortunately the system is working and the issue is not the equipment. So now we think the thermostat itself is wanky. We got it working and hopefully I can manage this if the problem arises again. What I do know is every tech who comes into my house, quickly assesses that I am balancing the impossible. I am always fascinated by what people observe!
Later this afternoon, I found a large box in my mailbox. Within it was a blood pressure machine and pulse ox. About a week ago, I was contacted by a company who told me that my parent's doctor recommended that they get signed up for this program. The program is paid for by Medicare. Isn't Medicare all heart?! Any case, this blood pressure cuff and pulse ox, are connected to a recording device that sends messages to my parent's doctor in real time. When I spoke to this person on the phone last week, I asked a lot of questions because I told him that I had no intention of using this machine on a regular basis. That I did not want my home to be a hospital, and therefore I want to determine when and if I use the machine. He responded that this would NOT be a problem. So I signed my parents up! The machine came today and I read the paperwork. The conditions of having the machine is that I have to take their blood pressure and pulse ox daily or at least weekly!
You know when you feel like you are going to explode!? Given the day and life I am living, I did not need much help to lose it today. I called this company up and read them the riot act on the phone. I told them outright that the person who signed me up did not accurately report the requirements. I invited them to go back to their recorded call with me from last week to verify that I was very clear about how I was going to use this machine. I then told this person that I find Medicare completely disrespectful of the family caregiver. Apparently they think I have nothing better to do but to use their machine, give them access to data, and better yet have them tell ME when I should be taking my parent's blood pressure and pulse ox. NO THANK YOU! I told this woman that I have been the caregiver to both of my parents for three years now and the last thing I need to do is a task that I view as pointless. I am bright enough to determine when and if their blood pressure and pulse ox needs to be taken and I don't need the government to weigh in on this. I was absolutely LIVID. If Medicare actually wants to help family caregivers, then provide on the ground services and support. Otherwise, I would say STOP wasting money on laborious and ineffective programs, just to check the box that you are doing something.
After I got off the phone with her, I then contacted my parent's doctor. I told him about this experience and I also told him that at his next appointment with my parents, I am bringing back the machines to his office. You know what? He actually apologized to me. He agreed with me, that this program was NOT a good match for me and my parents. After all, he knows that I watch them like a hawk. I don't need data to tell me what my eyes and intuition can easily tell me.
Meanwhile, my dad is scratching away at both of his legs and they are both bleeding. I frankly some days do not know if I am coming or going and all I can say is WHERE ON EARTH IS MY HUSBAND? Where is the person who wanted my parents to live with us and who I thought was going to be with me as I manage their daily care? If any one thinks I am going to release the hurt and find a magical way forward needs to spend a full day in my shoes.
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