Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2002. Mattie was six months old. He wasn't quite sitting up independently, which was why I had pillows all around him. Mattie was sitting on the couch with me and I had some of his favorite toys with us. Mattie was a BIG fan of his stackable plastic cups, but what I absolutely love was the expression Mattie gave me as I snapped this photo.
Quote of the day: Sometimes you have to deprive someone of the pleasure of being with you so that they can realize how much they need you in their lives. ~ Osayi Osar-Emokpae
I love tonight's quote. I have seen in numerous times before, but never put it on the blog. The problem with all of this is I believe in the sentiments of this quote but what I find earth shattering is I have been separated from Peter for a year, and yet I am not missed. It is as if I don't matter and our life together has been erased. This is beyond painful and indescribable.
This week I have been dealing with intense feelings of anxiety again, in which I can feel panic attacks coming on. After Mattie died, I suffered from constant panic attacks and at first I thought it was my heart. But I consulted with a cardiologist, under went testing, and wore a heart monitor for days, and it was concluded it wasn't my heart. It took me a long time to work through these issues and how I coped back then was I walked for MILES, try like ten a day. It helped get out the tension and stress that was coursing through my whole body. But now with my parents in tow, I live a very confined life. So walking miles isn't likely to happen.
Thankfully today was a beautiful day, and I spent an hour outside pulling out weeds and vines. Fortunately my yard never disappoints and there is always constant things to do and attend to! As it is Friday, now begins another weekend. When Mattie died, I began to HATE weekends. There was less structure and more isolation. While Mattie's friends and their parents were involved in school and community related activities, we were child less and waffling to find our way in the world. I once again am faced with similar feelings. Weekends are very hard and what they remind me is I am definitely different.
Trying to adjust to life without my husband is hard enough, but add caregiving to the mix, and there are times I truly want to scream. Each day with my parents is basically a lot like the day before. I am so tired of caregiving activities, cooking, cleaning, and shuttling people around. Sometimes a person just wants to have NO structure. To have space and time to one's self and to not have to worry about meeting another people's needs. I haven't had such a day like this in over three years. It is wearing and doing this without Peter is basically a special kind of torture.
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