Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2002. Mattie was six months old and I think his expression was priceless! In many ways, I see myself in this reaction! Mattie was NOT a fan of his stroller. Or any stroller for that matter. Literally we had about three different strollers, in hopes that one of them would work for him. Overall, Mattie disliked being confined in any way. Therefore, this was NOT his ideal mode of transportation. As Mattie's neck muscles got stronger, we eventually migrated him to a backpack. He loved riding high up in the air, with his feet dangling!
Quote of the day: Only time can heal your broken heart. Just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs. ~ Miss Piggy
When my dad had his first stents placed in his ureters in the beginning of August, I began dealing with non-stop urine all over the bathroom floors. Every time he has used the bathroom over the last two months, I needed to get out Clorox and do a big clean up job. It has been extremely wearing on me, on top of managing his daily needs and care, dealing with his irritable bowel syndrome, and everything else that I juggle at home. I truly am worn out from his overwhelming bathroom needs, but what I am hoping is now that his last ureter stent was removed today, that this flood of urine on the floors will stop. We shall see.
Dementia is a very challenging disease to manage. My dad needs constant supervision. Without it, he will throw a WHOLE roll of toilet paper in the toilet and flush it, or use an entire pump of liquid soap when washing him hands at the sink. Trust me on both of these issues, as I have had to deal with stopped up toilets and so much soap in the sink that it looked like a bubble bath.
My patience is severely diminished and of course Peter leaving me is never far from the top of my mind. You would think I have gotten used to this feeling, after all it has been 12 months. But frankly when you meet someone at the tender age of 19, grow up together, and survive many highs and lows together, this person becomes a part of you. I still identify myself as a married woman, and the notion of not being married evokes anxiety. I hate managing everything on my own. I hate facing every aspect of my life alone, and I hate thinking about my future without my husband. Some people do single well, I am not one of them. Yet I have no desire to ever be in a relationship again. First of which is if this type of hurt could happen to me with someone I have known all my life, then there is NO possible way I will allow another person in to do such damage to me again. I will always think that there is an agenda under the surface. It is a sad way to look at life and the world, but we are the products of our experiences.
What I am abundantly aware of however, is not everyone can understand my profound sadness. Not everyone can get why I am longing for the person who has been part of my life for 35 years. In fact, just like with Mattie's diagnosis and then death, I lost a lot of friends. I most likely will lose another segment of friends over this issue as well. Mainly because I can't tolerate platitudes, well wishes, and other trite sentiments. My heart is broken and either you are going to be able to understand this and sit in it with me and try to imagine this happening in your own life, or you are not, and that's okay. Absorbing someone else's pain isn't easy and not everyone is cut out for this challenge.
But what I am aware of is the simple fact that I CAN'T believe this is happening to me. It is like I am stuck in a bad TV movie and can't wake up. Everything I understood about my life, my marriage, and our time together is now all up in the air. It is a very unsettling, disorienting, and anxiety provoking feeling. The one person who I thought loved me the most in the world, who I thought respected and valued me the most, wants nothing to do with me now. It is a terrible reality, and reality that MAKES NO SENSE. After all, I pride myself on being a very good judge of character and assess people quite accurately. So how could I be this wrong?
When I took my dad to the doctor's office today to get his stent removed, I left my mom in the waiting room and went back with my dad. As this procedure would not be up my mom's alley! On my own, I had to get my dad up on the exam table and undressed. Once I got my dad positioned, they offered me the opportunity to leave the room, and I said no. I observed the ureteral stent removal and it only took a few minutes. I watched the whole process:
- A local anesthetic gel was inserted into the urethra.
- A thin, lighted tube called a cystoscope was inserted into the urethra and bladder.
- Tiny clamps attached to the cystoscope grab the stent.
- The stent was gently removed.
- August 4 -- emergency stent placements, as my dad was running an 101 fever and both ureters were completely blocked preventing urine from reaching the bladder
- August 21 -- his first ureteroscopy, cystoscopy and lithotripsy to blast out stones in the right and left kidneys and ureters, with two new stent placements in the hospital
- September 24 -- his second ureteroscopy, cystoscopy, and lithotripsy procedure at the hospital with a new stent placement in the left ureter
- October 1 -- removal of his last stent!
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