Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. Mattie was home for Christmas, which one would have thought was a blessing. But actually being home was torture. Mattie was traumatized and managing his physical and emotional needs on our own was hard. As crazy as this may sound, the hospital became our second home, where we were surrounded by amazing nurses, art therapists, a child life specialist, and a physical therapist. These women made the impossible more manageable.
That day, friends dropped off Christmas hats, head bands and these adorable Rudolph the Reindeer red noses. The Peter in this photo is the Peter I know and will always remember. He tried very hard to change the mood in our home, to lighten the sadness and fear, and I snapped a photo of that playful moment. A moment I will never forget, especially since Mattie was coping with depression, anxiety, and medical traumatic stress. It is very humbling as a parent being unable to "fix" a problem and make things better. Cancer illustrates to me that we truly are not in control of our lives and we can only do our best each day to cope and find a way forward. Which was what we tried to do for Mattie every step of the way.
Quote of the day: You can fire your secretary, divorce your spouse, abandon your children. But they remain your co-authors forever. ~ Ellen Goodman
To all my faithful and loyal blog readers.... THANK YOU! After Mattie died in 2009, I continued to write this blog for two reasons.... one to keep me connected to Mattie (because time can be cruel on the memory, unless you actively work on it) and two to share his life with others. When Mattie was alive and I would write daily updates from the hospital and we had thousands of readers. After Mattie died, my focus wasn't necessarily on increasing readership. As the blog was my therapy, my therapeutic tool, and a special place where each day I can pause and remember a Mattie moment. I am so grateful that many of you continue to share my day with me. It is humbling!
Now more than ever, I am grateful for the support and deeply appreciative of all comments left on the blog. I read every one of them and your insights, reflections, and support mean more to me than you will ever know. Some days, these words get me through a difficult minute, hour, and day!
After I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I came home and spent HOURS sifting through December bills and then figuring out how and if I can pay them. It is a monthly stress that may do me in! In 2023, it was my first year paying bills without Peter. I was putting out fires then, and wasn't methodical in how bills were being paid. Now I am keeping monthly spreadsheets, to hopefully help me moving forward. Each month, I fear.... will I be able to maintain this house, pay bills, care for my parents, and not succumb to a nervous breakdown!? The verdict is still out. I can't discuss these issues with my parents because neither of them can process this kind of information any more, and it stresses them out hearing about these worries. So I hold the stress for all three of us.
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