Thursday, December 5, 2024

Thursday, December 5, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. Mattie was scheduled to start taking piano lessons in the Fall of 2009. That of course never happened. When one of our neighbors in the city moved (many years prior to this photo being taken), she wanted Mattie to have her piano. She encouraged me to get him interested in music and to take lessons. Mattie naturally gravitated to music and he would frequently sit at the piano and compose his own music! 

I will never forget the day Peter and I moved this piano from my neighbor's townhouse to ours! We somehow did it and to this day, this piano is a part of my life. We moved it into our house. Not because it is a good piano, but because it holds special sentiments!

Quote of the day: When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write the ending. ~ Brené Brown 

It was a frigid day! However, because of the intense winds, we had branches and tree limbs down in the front and backyard. I spent two hours outside today breaking down branches and limbs. Either carrying them to the street or placing them in bins. With the wind, it felt like 20 degrees outside. But I think breaking limbs and branches is very therapeutic. Mainly because I am VERY angry! I am angry about every aspect of my life. Angry that Mattie died from cancer, angry that my parents need so much help, and very angry that Peter would deceive me, abandon me, leave me without financial support, and if that wasn't bad enough jump into a relationship with another woman. How do I know Peter is in a relationship with another woman? NOT because he was honest and told me! But because I can see it! This woman lives in my neighborhood. So it is a special kind of torture, not just to lose my husband to someone else, but then to have to see it daily! Which is why it takes great discipline, strength, and courage to get up and function each and every day. 

Later in the morning, I met with my landscaper who is going to help me clean out gutters and trim trees that I can't reach. Truthfully if I knew how to open up the large ladders we have, I would do these things myself! But I also am aware that I am very tried, I balance a lot and sometimes I need help. My landscaper is fully aware of my circumstances and as he said to me today.... Vicki, I have no words! Correct, there are no words for the devastation that I am facing. 

My dad's physical therapist came over today, and while they were in session, I went grocery shopping. While driving, I had the radio on. The radio station I was listening to is doing a radiothon for a well know children's research hospital that provides cancer care. I am NOT naming it here, but everyone knows this institution! I am already angry, but listening to this radiothon, made me even more angry, mainly because this research institution is great on marketing itself. But any family facing childhood cancer knows darn well that you can't just call up this institution and have your child treated there! NO! You have to be referred to this institution by a physician and you can only be referred if your child meets their specific research criteria. So no, NOT all children are treated there, and most definitely this institution bills health insurance. Treatment for most children there is NOT free, as indicated. There are many things that are disingenuous about their ads, their marketing, and the fact that they allow the public to think that this institution is available to help ALL CHILDREN with cancer is down right wrong. Which is why I always encourage people who want to support institutions that meet the medical needs of children with cancer, to support their LOCAL institutions. This is where the MAJORITY of children receive cancer care! THIS IS THE REALITY, and I assure you while listening to the radio today, I was screaming at the announcer. 

This evening I had my weekly therapy session. I am not sure who is getting more out of the session... her or me!? I gave her the 411 tonight on trauma care because asking someone who is dealing with trauma to put issues on a shelf, and move forward with one's life, truly doesn't have the foggiest clue. You try wrapping your head around being in a 35 year relationship, trusting your spouse with your life, surviving child loss together, building a Foundation in Mattie's memory, and then to find out that your spouse truly doesn't care about you. That you were a stepping stone to someone else, and that this relationship was happening right under your nose, while you are running a household, caring for two aging parents, and a dog who had cancer. 

I mentioned to the therapist that I do not find it helpful to meet with friends. Of course she viewed that as a red flag. Which is when I provided her context. When Mattie was sick, going through cancer treatment and then died, I had the opportunity then to meet with friends. Naturally friends tried to help, relate, and support in all ways. But here's the problem. At the end of the day, they went home to their normal lives, and I was left sitting in fear, sorrow, sadness, and intense grief and trauma alone. So even back then, I had to assess.... what do I do? Do I continue these meetings or do I self protect because it is better to be solely alone, then it is to invite in support, just to see and feel how different my life really is!? 

Though the circumstances are different now than they were in 2009, the trauma and grief is just as intense. I have lost a child and now I have lost a husband. These two factors separate me out immediately from my friendship network. We can no longer connect on normative life things and hearing about these things absolutely upsets me. So there I am, once again, I have lost my identity, my way in the world, and this leaves me very, very, very angry!