Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. Mattie was five years old and a December tradition we had was visiting the US Botanical Gardens. It was so special going there in the winter. Typically it was freezing outside, but as soon as you walked into the Gardens, it was like entering a hot house! I tried to imagine that I was journeying into a warmer climate... like going on vacation! The Gardens were filled with holiday themed plants and colors. Not to mention many train displays, which Mattie loved. These are memories I will cherish always.
Quote of the day: It hurts when you realize you aren’t as important to someone as you thought you were. ~ Anonymous
This morning, I had the opportunity to get together with neighbors. They wanted to meet to offer support and community. I have to admit that I was anxious and nervous about meeting. Why? Because I am so traumatized that my trust, faith, and willingness to connect with others is low. Very low! I have retreated inward and I find it is safer this way, as I deem it the only way to achieve self preservation. I am also very aware of how different my life is from others. For example, even when my therapist tries to get me to see that I am not the only one in the world who is divorced, I get her to pause EVERY TIME, when I ask her how many of her clients she has ever worked with have situations that look like mine? Of course the answer is NONE. I am not saying this makes me special, I am saying this makes me question what on earth is going on!?
For over a year now, I have been plagued with trying to understand Peter's behavior and motives. After all how can I have been with Peter for 35 years and NOT know he didn't love me? That he was unhappy in our marriage, so much so that he would betray me, walk away, and jump into the arms of (at the time) a married woman. A woman who happens to live in my neighborhood! Who does this, and how do either of them think this is okay to do right before my eyes?
Since this is so far fetched, I truly pursued every avenue of thinking from a mental health crisis, a physical illness, to psychological coercion. I left no stone unturned, because I know Peter probably as well as he knows himself. Some thing about this whole situation is off and divorced or not divorced, I assure you, that I WILL get down to the bottom of this, as I am like a dog with a bone. I am persistent, focused, and no amount of gaslighting is going to reverse my way of thinking and seeing the world. I know what I know and I know what I have experienced these last several decades with Peter. Our marriage was real, our love was real, and I will not allow his new relationship to sully my character, my core values, or our 35 years together. Revisionist history doesn't work with me, or with anyone who knows us.
Any case, back to meeting my neighbors. I have only known these women since 2021, when I moved into the neighborhood. But it is amazing the dots they connected and their view point on me. They are worried about me, they are not sure how I have managed to endure such disrespect, toxicity, and cruel behavior, and what surprised me is that both stated.... you did not deserve this. One of these women said it is very evident the quality person I am because even with my own nightmare going on, I am always checking in with her, helping her when I can, and that I don't just go through the motions, I care deeply about people. I have to admit that I was surprised to hear all of this today, because I am so distracted and distraught that my typical level of support and kindness that I would try to offer those around me has been curtailed. I am very aware of how Peter's treatment of me has changed me, and not for the better.
These women tried, as does my therapist, to get me to envision a life with someone else! All I can say is.... YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING! The answer is no! No I can't envision it, NO I am NOT open to envisioning this, and honestly after this horror, do you think I am going to trust anyone else?! If I can't trust someone I have known since I was 19 years old and built a life with, then what this reinforces in me is that I can't trust anyone else!
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