Saturday, October 25, 2025

Saturday, October 25, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004! Mattie's second Halloween! By that point in time, Mattie understood the notion of trick or treating a little better! I don't know about you, but to me Mattie was the cutest POOH around! I will never forget picking out this outfit together and snapping this photo. As I mentioned before, Mattie only liked going into three stores. So that year, we went shopping for an outfit and came across this adorable sweatsuit. The soft and cozy nature of the material got the Mattie seal of approval. But Mattie also loved Winnie the Pooh! I introduced Mattie to Pooh stories early on! On an aside when I went to college, I will never forget that in my freshman year our college president read us a story from Winnie the Pooh. He was Welsh and he recited the story with his wonderful accent. Pooh even had relevance in college. To this day, when I hear Winnie the Pooh, I get transported right back to college and raising Mattie. 

Quote of the day: Sometimes moments in life are so perfect you want to freeze frame them; capture them within your soul forever so they never fade away—they burn themselves into your being until they’re a part of who you are. ~ Cassandra Giovanni

Recently I was sent two books on Alzheimer's Disease. It is always interesting to receive a book on a topic you are living intimately with each day. After all, you don't look at the book with the same questions and interest as you would if you were trying to learn about a novel topic. It is also very interesting to read about the theoretical nature of a topic, versus having the lived experience. I think many books try to cover useful topics, resources, and even highlight insights from other caregivers. However, what so many of these books lack is pure honesty. Some issues, like caregiving do not have pretty solutions. What works for one person may definitely not work for the next caregiver or family. There should be a chapter of being stuck, for feeling like there is no end in sight, with a future that is bleak and the list goes on! This is the reality, and the reality needs to be normalized and confronted. 

I remember when I was doing my dissertation and interviewing countless caregivers of older family members.... they felt stuck. They were overwhelmed, they were exhausted, and they had FEW TO LITTLE OPTIONS. Many of them landed up crying as they were talking. I remember their quandaries, I remember their heartache and angst, and I remember leaving each interview literally saying a prayer for each of them....... that God walk with them and give them the strength to manage through another day. Now walking through my own caregiving journey (once again!), I have even greater empathy for the caregivers I interviewed almost two decades ago! 

What I did gleam from my reading last night is that I am performing heavy duty caregiving and that my dad is fast approaching the late stage of Alzheimer's. There are three stages to this disease: early, moderate, and late. 

When my dad was living in Los Angeles, I saw many more behavioral issues that are listed here. He would lash out, curse, be hostile, and irrational. All of that has dissipated and the one blessing for him being so sedentary, is that he doesn't have the inclination to get up and wander! 

My dad's doctor chatted with me on one particular occasion, when my mom was not present. He wanted to prepare me for the future when my dad will not be able to swallow or walk. As it is, my dad basically does not communicate now. He recognizes some people that he sees daily, but has no memory of them after about a minute. He needs full assistance with bathing, dressing, and personal care, he'd sleep the day away if I let him, and of course he is incontinent to bladder and bowel. 

But with late stage Alzheimer's, people can become very immunocompromised and easily get sick with viruses and pneumonia. So needless to say, I am forever vigilant. 

I typically take my parents out to a local restaurant every Saturday. But today our favorite server text messaged me and told me not to come. There were logistical kitchen issues, and he did not want my parents to be impacted. So I took them back to a restaurant we tried last week. I have to work harder at this particular restaurant, but we managed. For me, going out is a chance to interact with people and have more normal conversations. I missed that opportunity today. It is challenging eating with my parents as my mom is lost surfing the web on her phone and my dad is simply in a fog. It is hard not to let this sight emotionally get to me, wear me down, or get depressed. 

But I think I am TOO anxious these days to be sad. Today's nightmare is the first floor furnace isn't working. It is absolutely frigid in the house! I already contacted my HVAC person and I am hoping this will be an easy fix next week. I have wasted more time, energy, and money on these furnaces! Ironically I just had a heating inspection two weeks ago, to avoid such issues. So much for that!

Then I got a text message from my plumber today. He is leaving the company I have a service contract with, and for me, I am devastated. I have worked with him since 2021, and he knows me and this house quite well. I am sure this sounds fun.... how could I miss a connection with my plumber?! Well if you know me, then you know it is possible. I get very attached to people, especially people who are kind, capable, and dependable. Literally I had to take a deep breath today, and remind myself, that I will figure it out. But I am TIRED of having to figure everything out, of being divorced, and not having the support that I always thought would be present in my life.