Saturday, November 8, 2025

Saturday, November 8, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old. That day we took him to a local farm, to walk around and see the animals. Mattie was all business, as he was moving around from one fenced area to the next, checking out all the animals. Mattie loved animals and nature from an early age, and it was through his love for the outdoors, that I grew to appreciate all the natural beauty around me. 

Quote of the day: We grieve because we love. The intensity of the grief often proclaims the depth of our love. ~ Gary Roe

Last night, before I went to sleep, I went down to the basement to check on the outdoor drain by the door. It was pouring and given that this area flooded back in 2021 (when we first moved into the house), I am always very nervous when it rains. Mind you after the 2021 flood, our plumber fixed the drain and installed a back up sump pump. Nonetheless, I live with constant fear since I became single, as I have a lot of responsibilities and manage them single handedly. Thankfully the drain was fine last night, but I found that Indie had once again pooped on the rug! At 11pm, I was at my wit's end! I have tried everything from new litter boxes, multiple boxes, new litter, and nothing is working. Despite cleaning her boxes DAILY, she is still going outside of her boxes. Given the day I had, this wasn't a good ending. 

This morning, unlike most Saturdays, my dad did not have a physical therapy session. So I was moving slower than normal and not rushing around. Typically I get up at 6 or 6:30am, and immediately start chores. I did not do this today. That should have been a good thing, but it turned out to be a disaster. By the time I showered and got downstairs to prep breakfast, I heard my mom yelling. So I stopped what I was doing and ran upstairs. The scene wasn't pretty! Somehow my dad got the bedrail down, moved all the wedge pillows I use to keep him in place, he pooped in bed, and then was walking around without clothes. It wasn't my finest moment, as I landed up screaming. I wasn't screaming about the pooping and mess..... because I deal with that daily, what I was very upset about was the fact that he got up from bed without supervision. Given his fall in July and three week hospitalization, I do not like him out of bed when I am not present. It took six paramedics to get him off the floor in July. However, no matter what I say to my dad, it doesn't register! Within minutes after my tirade and cleaning him up, my dad had NO IDEA what just happened. Dementia tries my patience from every angle. When I tell you I spend my days cleaning, more cleaning, and cleaning, I am not kidding. It takes great effort to keep my house smelling fresh and clean, and if I should take a day off from this routine, you can immediately tell! 

Once my parents were settled, I did some computer work. I am working on the Foundation's mass mailing for the holidays. We have done this mass mailing for over ten years. I literally start the prep work for this mailing months ago. But now I am turning to scrubbing our database and generating mailing labels. This alone will take me two weeks, only because of all the chores I juggle in any given day. Yesterday wasn't a good day, as being on a board call without my other half depressed me to no end. Today, I reflected on the Foundation's database filled with the names of friends and supporters and realized that all these people stand behind Mattie's memory and legacy and that made me smile. I am an emotional roller coaster these days and a bundle of nerves. 

As I was sitting by my desk figuring out how to pay this month's bills, look what I saw.... a fox! Moving to the suburbs has been an adjustment for me, because I am still not used to seeing deer and fox. Mind you yesterday morning, at around 7am, I went to my side door to throw out garbage. Want to know what was staring at me through the door? Try a large buck... antlers and all! Any case, all I can think of with this wildlife is Sunny! If Sunny were still alive, NONE of these creatures would be on our property! Sunny did constant surveillance and with his herding instinct, he would move along any furry creature that attempt to come into his space! This January, Sunny will be gone from my life for two years! His memory, love, and devotion remain with me always. 

Friday, November 7, 2025

Friday, November 7, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2004. Mattie was two years old and was playing with Patches' (our calico cat) toy! Ironically I am not sure who enjoyed this toy more.... Mattie or Patches! Given that Mattie played with it more, my vote was on Mattie! Can you see the way Mattie was sitting on the floor, with his legs looking like the letter W? Apparently this wasn't a good way to sit, as they say it can lead to problems with core strength and motor skills. Truthfully if you listened to all the things they warn you about as a parent, your head could spin. Mattie naturally outgrew this W position, but I will never forget him doing this, or the fact that through him I learned the art of being a parent. 

Quote of the day: They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for. ~ Tom Bodett

It is 10pm, and I am still working. All I can say is.... is this as good as it gets? Each day is one chore, crisis, or let down after the other! I started my day at 6am, because my dad's nurse was coming over to evaluate his pressure sore. I feel like I am on a constantly moving treadmill, that doesn't have an off button. After the nurse's visit, I then drove my dad to his memory care center, then went to the grocery store, then home to do laundry, and then I winterized the hoses and bleed out the water in the pipes going to the hoses. This is my third year in a row having to manage this winterization process. I guess with each year of doing this, I am getting better at it, and no longer getting soaked from water flying out of the bleeder valves. This was all before noon! But my day did not end there!

Later today, I had a meeting for the Foundation. All I can say is moments like these remind me of who is missing in my life. NOT just Mattie, but the person I viewed as my other half, who helped me keep Mattie's memory and legacy alive. All I know is I live in disbelief and I am very tired. May tomorrow be a better day, where I can see and feel a glimmer of hope. 

Thursday, November 6, 2025

Thursday, November 6, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2004. Mattie was two years old. My parents sent Mattie this little table and chairs and he loved it. We did all sorts of projects on this table. However, it wasn't unusual for Mattie to set up his Thomas trains here! When I look back at this photo, it reminds me of my innocence. As my world was free of childhood cancer, we were an intact family, and divorce was not in my lexicon. 

Quote of the day: If you ever feel overwhelmed, take on another project. ~ Roy Halston Frowick

I came across this quote today, and it made me laugh! To me, it describes me to a T. I am overwhelmed MOST days and just when I think I can't possibly take on another project..... it happens. Today took the cake. 

I got my dad downstairs with only ten minutes to spare this morning before his physical therapist arrived. I was totally strung out after showering him and then dealing with his irritable bowel issues. It was my hope that while my dad's therapist was working with him, I could focus on a set of question a college student sent me, as she is doing a research paper on the psychosocial consequences of a childhood cancer diagnosis. As I said..... that was my hope, my goal! Forget it!

I happened to check my email account for the Foundation and found a message telling me that my account was going to be shut down today, unless I clicked a link. I may not be computer savvy, but I am smart enough to know.... NEVER click a link. Especially if you do not know who is sending the message. What made me particularly anxious is I have received this message at least three times in two weeks. So in my head today..... I thought, maybe this was legitimate. 

I tried contacting Microsoft, which was supposedly where the message originated. Good luck! If you have a question for Microsoft and you want to talk to a live person, forget it! I was beyond frustrated. Then it dawned on me, that our Foundation's email account is run through a company that hosts our domain. So I reached out to them. I actually have their number in my address book, because I always have questions about our account. 

Any case, I was on the phone an hour with Tommy. What a God send. He reviewed the issues with my email and saw that indeed fraudulent messages were getting through and as of today, we devised a plan to secure everything that belongs to the Foundation. I learned today that many hacks are actually working behind the scenes to set up a scam website that may look like a legitimate non-profit. So for example, let's say someone sets up a website that looks like mine, then my supporters could potentially donate to this look alike site thinking they are donating to my non-profit, and of course the money would never get to the cause! I was having NONE OF THAT foolishness today! As I always say, Mattie Miracle is my second baby, in memory of my first baby, therefore, I will protect it at all costs. Which I did today with Tommy's help! 

But I am sick of all these surprises, daily crises, and having to navigate it all alone. It is hard to describe what my day looks like, but in between caregiving, I was processing both personal and Foundation mail, financial issues, a credit card issue for my mom, outdoor light timers that needed to be reprogrammed, and then it dawned on me..... the new furnace never went through a county inspection. Any new piece of equipment installed in a house, is permitted, and the work needs to be inspected and approved. I flipped out because this hasn't happened yet and I reached out to the installer of the furnace. I got that resolved with an inspector hopefully is coming at the end of the month! But honestly the list goes on. My joke is I never stop moving from the moment my feet hit the floor in the morning. 

Last night, I went outside to pick fresh basil in my backyard. When I was out there, the whole backyard seemed to be glowing. I looked up and there it was.... a huge Mattie Moon! He never forgets his mom, and literally when I am outside by myself, it isn't unusual for me to talk to the moon! Don't worry the moon isn't talking back to me, or at least not yet!
  

Wednesday, November 5, 2025

Wednesday, November 5, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2005. Mattie was three years old and VERY ON! My joke was Mattie had two modes... ON and OFF! Nothing in between. As you can see, Mattie created this very large Lego vehicle. You may not be able to see the wheels in this photo, but trust me, they were under all those Lego bricks. In this photo, I captured Mattie creating a human bridge and he wanted me to move his vehicle underneath the bridge! This was Mattie..... he had a way of incorporating you into his play schemes and his energy was contagious. 

Quote of the day: The only thing faster than the speed of thought is the speed of forgetfulness. Good thing we have other people to help us remember. ~ Vera Nazarian

I woke up this morning, opened my bedroom door, and knew immediately Indie left me a mess in the basement. That is how pervasive a smell it is, the odor climbs up two floors. It is not the best of smells to hit you at 6:30am! It took me twenty minutes to clean this up and I was not happy! Not happy because she now has TWO litter boxes and each one is cleaned out daily. She even got fresh litter last week. The vet assures me nothing is physically wrong with her, but honestly I am at my wit's end. 

I did my usual morning routine, greeted my mom's physical therapist, and then got my dad in the car to his memory care center. After I dropped him off, I went to return the vanity light fixture that I purchased for the renovation. The fixture is too large, and I am awaiting the smaller one to be delivered. While at the store, I looked around and saw Christmas everywhere. All sorts of ornaments, lights, and decorations. It was emotionally overwhelming. I go through the motions to acknowledge the holidays but nothing brings me happiness anymore. As a part of me died with Mattie and the rest of me died when I got divorced. 

However, while out, I text messaged my contractor because it dawned on me this morning that I can't keep working with a leaky bathroom sink. I consulted my plumber on changing the faucets a few months ago and when I heard the four figure price he quoted me, I said NO THANK YOU! Instead, I bought faucets today and Alfredo will install them for me next week, and it won't be anywhere near the cost I was originally quoted. It is times like these that I wish I had the skills of a contractor! Because I would manage EVERYTHING myself! Be fully self-sufficient. But I know my limitations and I know when I need to ask for help. 

I spent several hours going through all the items donated to the Foundation. I separated the items into three different piles, as they are going to three different hospitals. We have five Snack & Item Carts and these items help to keep our Carts fully stocked. All items are free to families caring for children with cancer or other life threatening illnesses.

This is the donation going to MedStar Georgetown University Hospital in Washington, DC.

This is the donation going to the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, MD. 

This is the donation going to Children's Hospital at Sinai in Baltimore, MD. 

I am deeply grateful to our friends and supporters who make these miracles possible! When Mattie was diagnosed, our friends brought us snacks and meals DAILY for over a year. I can't tell you how much money they saved us and how appreciated their efforts were, because it was close to impossible to leave Mattie's side in the hospital. I will never forget this kindness, and I would like to think I have paid this kindness forward through our Snack & Item Carts. For me, the memory of Team Mattie remains alive and well in all of our Carts! What I do know is our Carts are life savers and families are deeply appreciative to have access to snacks, drinks, candy, and toiletries. 

Tuesday, November 4, 2025

Tuesday, November 4, 2025 -- Mattie died 819 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2005. I will never forget this photo! We took Mattie to the National Geographic Museum in the city. It was the first visit for all us to this museum. Outside the front entrance are these wonderful bronze sculptures of primates. Mattie decided to pose with this ape. This photo captures such a beautiful, innocent, and unforgettable memory. A memory of the three us.... a happy family. 

Quote of the day: All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

The contractors arrived at 8am today. Despite a week of renovation, I would have to say I picked the right contractor to work with, as he was respectful of what I am balancing, concerned about my parent's throughout the process, and did an outstanding job cleaning up after himself daily. As of tonight, the bathroom renovation is complete. So all the damage from the August flood has been resolved in one week's time. 

To put this transformation into context, I think it helps to see what this bathroom looked like when we moved into the house in 2021. It was a bathroom that never was renovated and had purely builder grade materials. 

This is what the bathroom looks like now! Alfredo is coming back next week to install the light fixture. The one I purchased was too big for the space. So I ordered another one today and it will fit the space better. 

I basically designed the baseboard in the bathroom. There are many options one can use today for a baseboard, everything from wood, PVC, and tile. I was told that a plain white subway tile is typically chosen by people. NOPE! My eye did not see that. Instead, I found a tile that looked like marble, which I thought would complement the hexagon tiles. These marble looking tiles were thicker, so I had the contractor cut them in half to form the baseboard. But any cut tile, is missing a finished end. So I had to decide what to do with that exposed tile edge, and again was presented with a silver colored strip that would cap or line the top of the baseboard tile. Again, I said, NO. I chose a white finish, because to me seeing a silver border around the baseboard would have taken away from the natural beauty of the tile.

The contractor said I have a flair for design. Maybe. I love creating things and seeing the process unfold, and as he could see I know what I like and am not wishy washy about my preferences, which I suppose makes the process go more smoothly. 

While the contractor was here today, I took on phone calls, flushing the sump pump (which I have to do every three months), reprogrammed a timer for our outdoor lights (thank goodness for YouTube videos that illustrated how to reprogram a Intermatic Timer), and fixed a light that was flooded from rain. In between those tasks, I worked with my mom's physical therapist who came over to evaluate her progress, and then managed the visiting nurse who is helping me manage my dad's wound care. I can't make up this kind of day, in which I jump from one task or crisis to another. All I can say is I am grateful construction is over! I am thankful the weather has been cooperative, and I could have the windows open to manage fumes. But most importantly, I am thrilled to have my space back and do not have to get up at 6am to juggle the renovation. 

Monday, November 3, 2025

Monday, November 3, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2006. Mattie was four years old. This was NOT an unusual occurrence in our living room! Mattie loved to paint. We introduced him to  3-D puzzles which he had to assemble and then could paint them. While raising Mattie, I also taught a child development class at the University. So I knew all about the theories associated with nature vs nurture, and my point is research is one thing, but  seeing these concepts unfold right before my eyes solidified them and made them unforgettable. From an academic standpoint, I achieved the highest degree a person can obtain, yet I will always credit Mattie as my greatest teacher. Mattie was hard wired with interests, preferences, and a personality and as his mom, I tried to nurture each and every one of his gifts, and in the process got to see the development of an incredible little boy. Though Mattie has been gone from my life for 16 years, I miss seeing the world through his beautiful eyes. 

Quote of the day: Legacy isn’t what we leave behind, it’s what we build in others while we’re still here. ~ Chris Watson

This morning, after working with the contractors and dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I took my mom into the city to get her hair and nails done. This salon has been in my life since my twenties! It is located in my old neighborhood, so when I am there it is hard to believe how drastically my life has changed. If anyone would have told me years ago that I would land up single, I would have laughed hysterically. Yet here I am. Going into my old neighborhood is like seeing a video tape rewind in my mind. I can picture my former life there, I can see our apartment from the road, the routes I used to walk Sunny, and the list goes on. 

While at the salon today, I learned about three tragic and untimely deaths. One of the beautiful women who worked in the salon died while playing tennis. Her tennis partner ran into her by accident on the court, and she fell backward and hit her head very hard on the court and died. I saw this woman at the salon about two months ago. So refined, so kind, and way too young to be taken from this earth. Then my manicurist, who came into my life when Mattie died in 2009, told me about the unexpected death of her brother-in-law and the third death I heard about today was a suicide. The young man in question had an amazing career, a loving wife, and two children. No one knew he was depressed, until he killed himself while showering. Seriously when I heard about these three deaths today,  it gave me great pause. Nothing can put life into perspective than such horrific and unexpected tragedies. What this reminded me of today is: 1) life is fragile, 2) we can love someone and yet not always know what is going on in that person's mind and heart, 3) any day that we are healthy is a GOOD DAY and a blessing (because things can change on a dime), and 4) we need to appreciate the time we have with those we love, because tomorrow is not guaranteed.   

When talking about the suicide today of this young man, I learned that his mom has in essence stopped living. That she feels like she died six years ago, when her son took his life. Naturally this mom's feelings resonate with my own. There are some losses in which time can not possibly heal and when you lose a part of yourself (your child), literally you feel dead inside, and your hope and vision for a future cease to exist. The depths of these feelings are hard to grasp and certainly hard to face, but these feelings are not pathological, they are not signs of weakness, but instead signs of an unfathomable loss of a deep bond and love.

The bathroom was painted today and the final touches will be done tomorrow. By tomorrow afternoon, all the renovations will be complete. Truly our contractors performed magic in one week's time. 

Sunday, November 2, 2025

Sunday, November 2, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. That weekend we went for a walk on Roosevelt Island. A park we visited practically every weekend regardless of the weather. Mattie just loved it and it was a little bit of green paradise minutes from our home in the city. It is hard to believe that less than a year later, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: FEAR has two meanings: Forget Everything And Run. Face Everything And Rise. ~ Zig Ziglar

Happy 16th birthday to Mattie Miracle! It is hard to believe that I have been doing this work for all these years! Longer than I had Mattie in my life. A sobering reality. As I always say........... the Foundation is my second baby, in memory of my first baby!

Tonight's quote truly speaks to me! When I became separated in 2023, I lived in constant FEAR! I truly did not know how I was going to survive caregiving alone, managing all the finances, dealing with house and car maintenance and everything else. When I tell you I was frightened, scared, and very anxious, I am not kidding. In fact there aren't enough words in the English language to describe the panic that overcame me, and almost swept me away. What was I going to do with all that fear? I would have loved to run, but that wasn't an option as my parents need my support 24/7. So the only thing I could do was FACE my fears. 

Two years later, I still haven't gotten used to be doing everything alone. I have weekly and sometimes daily panics. Over the last week, I noticed our front yard lights were out! These outdoor lights drive me 100% batty! I tried everything I could think of to make them work, and then I realized.... it has to be the transformer supplying electricity to the lights. Now I could have waited for Steve (my outdoor guru) who is coming in about a week to deal with sprinklers, to also address the transformer. But once a problem pops into my head, I don't let it go. I was determined to change this transformer myself. I have seen it changed once before, so I knew it wasn't difficult. But doing anything on my own now, produces fear. This morning I overcame that fear. I pulled out the new transformer I had on hand, got out a screwdriver, and went at it! Guess what? I did it and the lights out front are now working. Before I threw away the old transformer, I removed its light sensor. Why? Because I have another transformer whose light sensor no longer works. So when it gets dark out, the transformer no longer automatically turns the lights on. I decided to take the light sensor from the old transformer and install it in the transformer on my driveway! I wanted to see if it would work tonight! Sure enough, I have LIGHT everywhere! 

This is my dining room now! When you look at it, you would never know that I had a 3x3 foot hole in it after the bathroom flood. My hope is the bathroom renovation will be completed this week too, as juggling this is practically way too much for me.