Sunday, March 11, 2012Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2002. Mattie was six months old. In a way, this was an unique picture because Mattie strongly disliked his front carrier and therefore was rarely in it! As I described in last night's posting, Mattie had a puppy hat and jacket that I absolutely loved him in. As you can see Mattie was wearing the hat but he also wasn't smiling. He simply wasn't happy being carried and confined in this way!
Quote of the day: I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write. ~ Augustine of Hippo
I very much relate to St. Augustine's quote. Since July of 2008, I have written in this blog each and every day. It has become a way of life for me, and as some of my faithful readers tell me, it is a way of life for you too. Some of you begin your day reading the blog, and others of you end your day, right before going to bed, reading Mattie's blog. We still have about 300 readers who visit the blog each day, and believe it or not this July, will mark four straight years of DAILY blog writing. Writing a daily blog takes great discipline, patience, commitment, and at times courage. It was a lot easier writing each day when Mattie was alive. Mainly because I was updating you about his treatment, how he was doing, how we were adjusting to living with the nightmare of childhood cancer, and as a result my daily writing helped to form a virtual community. A community who would mobilize into action if I wrote we needed an item for Mattie. I recall one day writing that Mattie needed training wheels for his bicycle, because he was home from the hospital and wanted to ride his bicycle (Before Mattie developed cancer, we took the training wheels off his bicycle, to teach him how to ride with two wheels. However, after cancer struck, it was too dangerous for Mattie to ride a two wheel bicycle, and therefore we needed to put the training wheels on again. However our home was in total chaos during his cancer battle, and I couldn't find his training wheels in the closet.). Within a matter of a day, I had four sets of training wheels at my doorstep.
Writing now, in a way, is a bit more complex. It is complex because I am sharing our grieving process (as I always say, my blog covers about 80% of what we are dealing with, the other 20% I typically do not publicly share!). A process that isn't always easy to hear about and most certainly can leave the reader wondering how on earth can you possibly help us? During Mattie's cancer battle, the needs were very basic and involved tasks (tasks to get food, toys, laundry, etc). These tasks are not relevant for us now, yet that doesn't mean we don't have needs. Our needs are much more emotional, and therefore much harder to figure out and to devote time, energy, and effort to. St. Augustine's quote however, makes me reflect on the importance of writing. One of the most basic learning tools I always turned to throughout my life while trying to understand a subject matter, was writing. I would re-write my class notes at times when I was in school, because the sheer act of writing seemed to solidify concepts for me in my head. The blog, over the years has provided me with an outlet to write and to write and to write some more! It is through writing that I learn, process, and have begun to understand the full impact of Mattie's cancer on my mind, heart, and body. Are there some nights I rather not write???? Most definitely!! But the blog no longer is just a tool to keep our Team Mattie informed. The blog is in essence the vehicle I use to keep Mattie alive. For it is here in WORDS that I am able to paint a picture of what Mattie was like as a child, how brave he was throughout his battle, and how we as a family fought and continue to fight the trauma of childhood cancer.
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