Wednesday, March 2, 2022

Wednesday, March 2, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2007. That year we took Mattie to Key West to visit with Peter's parents. On our drive to Key West, we stopped along the road at this store. A store that had all sorts of trinkets and shells. Mattie enjoyed the stop and it was at this store that Mattie bought a butterfly windchime. Though this windchime fell apart, I still have it in one of my Mattie keepsake boxes. 

Quote of the day: Life is a mountain. Your goal is to find your path, not to reach the top. ~ Maxime Lagace

My mornings are truly frenetic. This morning, while getting out of the shower, I got a call from my former licensure board. I was literally juggling putting clothes on and getting myself together, making breakfast, and talking on the phone about some sensitive matters. I truly felt strung out, mainly because I knew my timing. I had to get my dad up by 8:30am, in order to get him washed, dressed, and having breakfast before 10am, when the medical social worker was scheduled to arrive. I was on the phone juggling a thousand tasks for an hour. By the time I got off the phone, I was frustrated and stressed out. Frustrated because I can't even have a phone call in peace, get dressed in peace, and in the process juggling so much, I am not focused on any one thing. Mind you a migraine started last night and it has continued into today. 

Meanwhile, I see another stepped decline in my dad. He is luggage. He is exhausted, wants to spend the entire day sleeping in his chair. In fact the new pattern is he is up at 3am. I am not in the bedroom with him, so I truly do not know what is going on at that hour. But soon, I may have to put in a nanny cam, to record what is going on. Needless to say him and my mom aren't sleeping well. But this is a definite change to my dad's pattern, which is always a red flag to me. 

Since it was 60 degrees today, I got my dad outside with his rollator. I wanted him to walk down the drive way and around our cul de sac. That did not GO well AT ALL. 

I also had a conference call this morning and when I am on the phone with other people living NORMAL lives, it makes me reflect how abnormal my life was and still is! Needless to say this doesn't put me in a happy place. 

Do I find the medical social worker helpful? I think she is trying to help, but there are NO simple answers here and my parents have very different needs! So I feel stuck and I hate seeing my dad disengaged with the world and sleeping all day. But as I said to the social worker today... my dad is happy. It is me who has to adjust my expectations with his dementia. 

In the midst of feeling like I am spiraling downhill, I received this wonderful surprise in the mail today. One of my best students who is now a NURSE in NYC, sent me these wonderful cookies. These four cookies are works of art and I can't wait to try them. Receiving this gift reminded me of my Team Mattie days. I may not have Mattie with me now, but my days are challenging and emotionally draining nonetheless. Thank you Ariel for thinking of me and for your friendship over all these years!

I also received this beautiful window catcher which says "thinking of you" and has a red cardinal dangling from it. This gift came from one of our researchers in Canada. This particular person is truly a very special clinician and when I first met her years ago at one of the Foundation's think tanks, I LIKED her immediately. I am deeply honored that she has become my friend and wish she lived closer.