Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. Mattie was two and a half years old and by this time he understood what Halloween was about. We picked out his costume together at Target, the only store Mattie liked going into. Mattie was not a shopper and forget about taking him to a shopping mall. The only thing a mall produced was a meltdown. Mattie was very sensitive to loud sounds, crowds, and the materials he wore had to be soft. He eventually grew out of this with a lot of assistance from his amazing occupational therapist. I will never forget picking out this outfit and I always thought Mattie made the cutest pooh!
Quote of the day: When someone you love dies and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part. ~ John Irving
Every day this week it was something! Today was no different. My dad went to the memory care center today, while my mom had physical therapy. Though my dad travels with a mini notebook and pen in his shirt pocket, he rarely uses it. Or let's say he uses it only to record the food he eats. So he was at the center for 5 hours today and all I know is what he ate for lunch. He recorded nothing else and remembers NOTHING else. His memory is so bad now that even if I look at the center's calendar with him, it doesn't jog his memory. At first I thought that my dad was participating in a different classroom, which follows a completely different schedule. Unfortunately after checking with the staff, my dad has not changed classrooms, he simply can't retain information. It is a rather scary notion, as he can't remember things passed one minute. If that long!
Our friends have invited us to their house tonight, and to do this I had a lot to juggle to make this possible. Both of my parents need to be fed, things need to be cleaned up and they have to be relaxing in the family room, before I can move. Of course I can't stay out late because I have a bedtime routine to complete with my parents. Truly leaving the house without my parents is stressful, which is why I never do it and haven't connected with friends for almost a year.
After my mom's therapy session, I took her out to lunch. At lunch she talked about her career again and the pension that came with being a NYC teacher. Planning for one's future was important for my mom. I think it is rather ironic that even with all that planning I am doing the full time caregiving. Putting that aside, it is hard to hear about her career time and again. Because what it reminds me is I don't have one. I went from graduate school, to being a mom (yes working part time, which felt like full time work and then some) to having a child diagnosed with cancer and then Mattie dying. This changed my trajectory and now when I have so much I want to accomplish, I can't, because I once again have become a full time intense caregiver. It is very frustrating. My mom likes to compare her life to mine and today I was in no mood. I basically told her not to go there because she can't compare having a child with cancer, who then dies! Yes not very compassionate of me, but I am only human and some days I snap.
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