Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. It was Peter's birthday and as always Mattie wanted to do something for his dad. So together Mattie and I baked a cake.... Peter's favorite, a lemon cake with vanilla frosting. Basically Mattie and Peter were alike on this front..... they were opposed to chocolate. I am so happy we celebrated these moments and I captured them on camera.
Quote of the day: Death ends a life, not a relationship. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on- in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here. ~ Mitch Albom
Today is Peter's birthday. I would like to say I helped him have a relaxing and memorable birthday. But it wasn't even close. From an outsider's lens, you may say it was actually a disaster. I think when exhausted and living with chronic stress, things can be misperceived, or tempers can flair. Though I think I am doing as best as I can with my parents, in the process, I have made no room for anything else. It was clear to me today that at times Peter is talking to me, but I am not listening. Or I am listening but not acknowledging what he is truly saying. It is a hard reality for me to face, because no one likes to know that one's actions are hurting someone they love.
Needless to say I was filled with all sorts of emotions today. Everything from anger, sadness, and true helplessness. As I can't see a clear path forward to resolving my situation and in the process I am clearly making no one happy. I can have rational epiphanies and I can also feel angry, because I am changing my entire life around to meet people's needs once again. I don't need an "at a girl," but I am quite sure the average person would have trouble juggling what I do.
Despite my daily routine, I found a way to get Peter a few gifts. I can absolutely appreciate why he did not want to open them and taking a step back I understand the stresses he is living with.... full time caregiving, lack of freedom and control, and of course the one that isn't always discussed.... Mattie's death. Mattie's death is part of our daily lives, but on holidays and birthdays, his death hits us even harder. It forces us to see that another year has gone by, we are aging, and we do not have Mattie in our lives to brighten our future. As a future without your child is a bitter pill to swallow, not just on the day he died, but forever.
Ironically to add humor to my day, my dad thinks Peter and I are in our 60s! He wanted to wish Peter a happy 62nd birthday! HONESTLY!!!! My dad has aged us dramatically and I corrected him. Though in his mind I guess 60 is very young!
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