Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2004. This was the photo my mom took of us just before Mattie's second birthday party got underway. The theme that year was trains.... as Mattie had a fascination with all sorts of locomotion. By that year, Mattie actually understood what was going to happen at a birthday party, and truly enjoyed the attention and all the company and games.
Quote of the day: I loved you your whole life. I’ll miss you for the rest of mine. ~ Unknown
Today marks the 12th week of Sunny's death.
This evening, I went to my weekly therapy session. I come into the session each week wound tighter than a top. I am sure I am a bundle for the therapist as I am facing another great tragedy in my life and I am heart broken, filled with anxiety, and at times deeply saddened. As our session went on, I mentioned to her that tomorrow, Mattie would be 22 years old. It is hard to believe Mattie would have been graduating from college this spring. But unfortunately I missed so many opportunities and years with him. For me, we never got past kindergarten. In my mind Mattie is forever 7. In any case, the therapist asked how I acknowledged Mattie's birthdays once he died.
I explained that pretty soon after Mattie died, I couldn't stand remaining in Washington, DC for Mattie's birthdays. I am not sure what I was expecting from friends and his support community. After all, you can't have cake, balloons, and fun. In any case, I always felt that no one could appreciate the heartache of such a birthday, so the best way to handle it was to get out of town. Peter and I would go to Florida or other destinations and try to honor Mattie's life in our own way. Getting away enabled us to separate from those who knew us, we got away from the potential of being saddened by others in our life, and the possibility of being disappointed from unmet expectations. Once COVID hit, going away wasn't possible. So instead, we would walk and visit Mattie's tree, the hospital memorial paver, and a memorial brick at the church where Mattie's funeral was held.
However, I told the therapist tonight that with my current situation and managing my parents' care, I did not plan to do anything on Mattie's birthday. In all reality if that was my ultimate decision, I am sure Mattie would have forgiven me. But while talking about Mattie in the session, I began to cry. Understand that I am not a crier. So if I am crying, watch out. That means I am on overload. As the therapist knows, I do not have time to have a pity party, to cry, or to feel anything right now. There is JUST NO TIME. I am too busy putting out one crisis after the other at home. Yet as I reflected on Mattie's birthday, I decided, I am going to do what is right and every one else is going to take a number.
So I came home, made dinner, and pulled out the cupcake ornaments I bought for Mattie's tree last year. I strung them with ribbon and tomorrow I will be tying ribbons around Mattie's memorial trees and decorating the official tree with ornaments. Regardless of the weather, I will be out there, because the one thing I did right in life was I had Mattie. Mattie was my life's greatest teacher and through his amazing life and death, I have used these lessons to help thousands of children through his Foundation. His life deserves acknowledgment and his memory deserves to be honored and preserved.
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