Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005. Mattie was three years old and that afternoon he was enjoying his time on our deck. I can't tell you how many things this small deck held, everything from a frog sandbox, a pool, to a table and chairs and a BBQ. We made great use of this small space and I always called it my secret garden in the city. Love that smile!
Quote of the day: There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream — whatever that dream might be. ~ Pearl S. Buck
It was another busy day on the farm. After dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I went grocery shopping, got home put it away, dealt with laundry, and then did my follow up call to Amgen. Just as a recap, I have been working for the past three weeks trying to get access to my $1,500 copay for the drug, Prolia. My copay was sent to the wrong company, and trying to get my money back has been a total nightmare. When I tell you I have been on the phone for hours to address this issue, is NO exaggeration. Last week, I spoke to the specialty pharmacy that was the recipient of my $1,500. I was on the phone with them for three hours. YES three hours. They assure me that they returned my copay to Amgen, however, guess what? As of today, Amgen still can't find the $1,500! When I tell you I almost done with this, I am not kidding. I can see why some patients may just give up and pay the $1,800.
Any case, today the representative on the phone was delightful. She could see my call history to Amgen, and how diligently I have been working to get this resolved. She put me on hold and she immediately contacted her supervisor. Make a long story short, she and the supervisor will be getting back to me and are escalating my issue up the food chain. I have supplied all the documentation they need and they understand the problem accurately. When I tell you this was a refreshing conversation versus the one I had last week with the specialty pharmacy, I am not kidding. So today, I am thankful to Autumn, the drug company representative.
Mid-day, I took my mom to Starbucks. I am there so many times a week, that I know the manager, everyone working there, and I even know the regular customers. I am very grateful that everyone working in this store is kind and truly customer focused. They know my routine so well that on days I have my dad in tow, they remind about things, I may have forgotten to order. I know this all sounds crazy, but Starbucks has become our therapy. It gets us out of the house, we try to put our stresses, sadness, fear, and anxieties on hold to regroup. Some days, my mom and I talk about what's going on, and some days, one or both of us gets upset. But overall, it is a time where we can just be, without having to focus on my dad, his bathroom trips, and countless needs.
When we go to Starbucks, I have always have a book with me. I am trying to digest this one book on ambiguous grief. I take it a little bit at a time, as I sometimes agree with the content and other times I just pause and say.... really? Today, however, the chapter I was reading about was talking about external hope versus intrinsic hope. Hope is one of those tricky concepts for the ambiguous griever. Because we haven't lost someone to death, our loved one is still alive, therefore most of us live in hope. Hope may look different for each ambiguous griever, but the bottom line this author was making was that the only way to stabilize and move forward with such a trauma is to transition from external hope (which are things we hope for that are out of our control) to intrinsic hope (things we do for ourselves and what we have control over). I have been absorbing these concepts of hope for several days now. Given that her book is based on a study of 400 ambiguous grievers, what she is reporting and her insights do capture my attention.
I am one of the people she discussed in her chapter who cycles between external and internal hope. I can wholeheartedly identify that in myself, but what I do know is that I have internal resources. Whether I want them or not, I developed them tenfold when Mattie died. Therefore, trauma, grief, and such pain are not new concepts to me. This does position me in a better place than the average ambiguous griever. So leave it to my life's greatest teacher, Mattie, for helping me once again. As I need to dig deep once again and focus on what I do have, what I do bring to the table, and what I can control in my life. That is today's positive spin. However, it could change tomorrow.
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