Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005. What I love about this photo was it captured how Mattie felt about the stroller! I will never forget that we bought about five different strollers once Mattie was born. Mainly because I was desperate to find a form of locomotion he would tolerate. I couldn't always hold him, sometimes I needed my hands free! Turned out no matter how elaborate or simple the stroller, Mattie did not want to sit in it, ever! When we would take Mattie for walks, we took a stroller along, because at some point he wouldn't want to walk on his own. However, the only thing I would say about the stroller was it got good exercise from being pushed, not rode!
Quote of the day: No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief. ~ Faraaz Kazi
This morning I met a friend at my local Starbucks. Something I rarely do! Prior to going, my mom had her physical therapy appointment. Today she was getting discharged from in-home physical therapy, which she has been doing since February. Thank goodness I was present for the appointment, as the therapist needed my help with completing paperwork and logistics. My mom can no longer do this on her own. In addition, I would say my mom is pretty strung out now as she sees what is happening with my own life, and it saddens her.
When I left the house, my dad was headed for his physical therapy session. His therapist has been working with him for a year now, so she knows the drill. She also wants to support me leaving the house for a minute on my own. You would think that on my own, I would feel edgy, or worried about what is happening at home when I am not there. Honestly in my better days, I probably would have been, but now, I am so stressed out, that I am very good at blocking one thing out and jumping to something else. Perhaps that is a protective factor, I don't know, but it probably explains how I can manage so much trauma and stress on a daily basis. Because it is impossible to sit with what I am contending with 24/7!
This evening some neighbors got together. I decided to go. Honestly I need to follow my gut. My gut said don't go, and I listen and follow that feeling. For the most part, I find no comfort in associating with others. They can't possibly understand what is in my mind and heart (not that I share it), nor the grief I live with on a daily basis. In fact, the only thing this gathering did was further confirm for me.... I am different!!! I don't have children, I can't discuss schooling, internships, or even making dinner for the family. In fact, to add to that, other than my parents, I have lost the core family that I once knew and loved. So overall, NO I will not be taking part in such gatherings again. If it doesn't make me feel good, if it isn't supportive and nurturing, then I am just NOT doing it.
The three things I am grateful for (and today I really have to dig deep, because the world looks gray to me):
- I am having issues with the pool equipment. It was making a terrible grinding sound. I was sure something was wrong, which of course would mean something else I needed to FIX. I text messaged the daughter of the company's owner. She is absolutely fabulous, competent, and professional. She quickly came over, diagnosed the problem, and thankfully I just had to put more water in the pool. For now, a crisis has been adverted. I am very grateful for Ellery's kindness, and when I experience such kindness and help I take notice.
- This morning an alarm went off in the house, which reported that there was smoke in our second floor hallway. Literally dealing with such stuff frazzles me out. My mom was screaming and upset and of course I had to remain calm and work the problem. I went into the attic and quickly assessed all the rooms in the house. There was NO smoke and I have no idea why this happened. But as quickly as it started, it also quickly resolved itself. I am grateful for small miracles.
- Always I am grateful for friends who reach out and having friends who are walking this journey with me.
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