Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that Memorial Day weekend we drove to Pennsylvania to take Mattie to Dutch Wonderland. Along the way we went to a train museum. What I love about this photo was Mattie was already more than half my height. Therefore, I would have to imagine that as he aged, he was going to be tall. Prior to having Mattie in my life, trains did not catch my attention. They weren't necessarily on my radar scope. However, once I became Mattie's mom, my interest in all things with wheels increased exponentially. Mattie opened up a whole new world to me!
Quote of the day: So here’s the thing with broken hearts. No matter how you try, the pieces never fit the way they did before.~ Arianapoetess
Sometimes I feel like the Jerry Seinfeld of the blog world. Those of you old enough to remember the show Seinfeld, know that the joke about his shows, was that it was a show about NOTHING. Of course that wasn't exactly true, it was a show that talked about everyday issues, occurrences, and happenings in one's life. Things we all can relate to, which I suspect is what made the show hugely successful.
Certainly there are things that I write about like Mattie's illness and death, that will NEVER apply to everyone reading along with me (thankfully!). Though the issues I write about maybe unique to me, the feelings and thoughts I express, are actually very universal. I imagine this maybe why I have readers following along with me now for 16 years! Sixteen years of daily writing! NOT ever missing one day of writing! I happened to check the stats of the blog this week, and was taken aback by the fact that 500 people are reading the blog daily and thousands of people check into the blog monthly. I don't know what to say? Other than THANK YOU!
Thank you for being interested in my life, in Mattie's memory, and being on this long journey of loss and trauma with me. I may not know you, like you know me, but I am moved to see that what I am writing may resonate with you. I remember a few years after Mattie died, my dad was on my case. He saw NO POINT in me writing the blog. Instead, he wanted me to devote that time to writing a book instead. I understood his perspective, but he never could understand mine.
As I told him back then, the blog is therapeutic for me. It provides me with an outlet to express my thoughts and emotions. Some days I have a lot to say, other days, I still have a lot to say, but do not post it publicly. I am not sure what I would have done all these years without the blog. It helps me remain connected with Mattie, to actively share memories and introduce him to others who never met him. Losing a child has many complexities. One of the things that adds to this complexity is time. Time plays tricks on my brain, on my ability to remember the intricacies and nuisances of Mattie. Sharing a bit of Mattie each day on the blog, enables me to keep his presence forever fresh on my mind.
Did my dad have a point? Should I have devoted the time to write a book, rather than write the blog? Maybe. Certainly I would have had a tangent product and legacy item to capture Mattie's life. However, I am not dead yet, and perhaps there will one day be a book in my future. But for now, I work through my multiple losses and traumas through writing.
I could ask, WHY DO YOU READ? WHAT KEEPS YOU COMING BACK? I do not know these answers, but what I do know is that if you read my writings daily that means you yourself are willing to be vulnerable, or feel vulnerable yourself. Maybe you are thinking if I can survive the multiple traumas life has dished out on me, so can you!
I am lucky to have you as a reader. Thank you for wanting to hear about my life, to see my photos, and occasionally share with me their own thoughts and insights. Any case, when I think about the three things I am thankful for today I would say:
- Being Mattie's mom!
- Mattie's blog readers.
- The blog and having an outlet to write, express, and work through the challenges I face each day.
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