Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2003. Mattie was one year old. Mattie desperately wanted to learn to walk! He hated the notion of crawling and never did it. Even as a baby, he wanted to put weight on his legs and move. But by this stage, Mattie would try to take steps independently holding onto furniture, the staircase, or anything sturdy.
Quote of the day: Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall. ~ Jodi Picoult
Tonight's quote is 100% correct! I may never be the same. There are times when a wave of sadness, despair, and anxiety over takes me. In those moments, I see NO WAY forward. I see no meaning or purpose in life. One could say how is this possible? It is possible because the love I shared with Peter for 36 years was real and was the one true thing.... my given, that I knew would always be there. UNTIL IT WASN'T!
Accepting his choices and decisions have been a steep learning curve for me. Naturally I do not want to be with someone who doesn't love me, but the problem is I did not see this coming. There was no preparation and I reflect on the fact that we bought this house together, we moved my parents across country to be with us, and we put our hearts into transforming this house.
I read and reread many of Peter's cards and notes that he has given me. NOT from years ago, but from last year and the year before. I literally have post it notes from him all over the house, which he would leave for me whenever he went on travel. They are in my closets upstairs and downstairs, I see them daily. I am a person who observes patterns and absorbs people's thoughts and feelings. The problem here was there was NO pattern to observe! NONE, and I continue to be in a state of shock.
Today, my lifetime friend, Karen, came down from NYC to visit with us for a few days. Our good friend, Junko, picked up Karen at the train station for me and then we all met for a lovely lunch. The one thing that was conveyed to me at lunch was that people know my character and loyalty. If you know anything about me, then you know I am loyal to the end. I don't give my love away easily, but once you are part of my world, I try my best to be there always for you. Now of course, I can hardly be there for myself, much less anyone else. Caregiving around the clock for three years and Peter's abandonment have done me in.
Karen is a breath of fresh air in our house and she is good stimulation for my mom. So who ever engages my mom and is supportive, to me is a blessing. I introduced Karen to my stick and branch clean up routine. She couldn't get over how much we picked up, given that I did a sweep of the property yesterday. Literally I can collect a large garbage bin of branches daily. Fortunately for me it is my therapy! So, bring on the branches.
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