Wednesday, July 17, 2024

Wednesday, July 17, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2002. Mattie was three months old. Back then all the rage was to giving your child "tummy time." So this was what I was attempting to do, but one thing Mattie despised was being on his tummy. So I tried time on his back and then time on his tummy. Overall, Mattie preferred being upright and after a while, I followed Mattie's cues and not the two cents I received in the doctor's office. 

Quote of the day: I wanted love to conquer all. But love can't conquer anything. ~ David Levithan

I am in a state tonight. So much so that I can't eat and when I get into this mood, I spiral down hill, because I see nothing positive. No end in sight to this pain. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day, however, given my ten month trajectory, I have no hope for that actually happening. 

This afternoon, I took my mom out for tea. While out, I got a call from her long term care insurer. I have been fighting this company since January. I literally gave up on them because we got to an impasse. They will not provide her with any benefits unless she is institutionalized, works with a caregiver from an agency, or is enrolled in an adult day care. Since those options are not viable for my mom, I have been stuck. I can't tell you how I have been advocating since I applied to activate her policy. Today, I got a call from a whole new care coordinator. Literally I yelled at her for five minutes, but once I finished, she was incredibly kind. She understood my frustration, understood the work that I am doing for both of my parents, and is now trying to work with me to explore my mom's policy. All I can say is she is my new angel! Someone who values the family caregiver. She was the positive of my day. 

When I got home, I was back at it with Amgen. Desperately trying to get my $1,500 co-pay that has been lost in the ether. I at least have a wonderful contact there, who is tracking this with me! He wants me to give it to July 24, with the hopes that a check magically pops into my mailbox by then, so I can finally pay this huge bill!  

In between multiple tasks, I baked banana chocolate chip muffins and homemade brownies. My lifetime friend, Karen, will be visiting for the next couple of days, so I wanted to make a few things. Overall, my life is chaotic, I have a range of emotions, and tonight, I was so upset, I couldn't eat. Literally the only thing I can do when feeling this way is walk, take on tasks, or garden. GOD... give me strength and provide me with a glimmer of hope to carry on.