Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old. It is hard to wrap my head around the fact that nine months after this photo was taken, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. I was so naive at that moment in time, and I truly wish I still lived in "Disneyland." This is what I refer to as, pre-cancer life. That day we went to Butler's Orchard, went on a hay wagon ride to the pumpkin fields, and Mattie picked out two beautiful pumpkins.
Quote of the day: Love is blind, but a broken heart sees everything. ~ Matshona Dhliwayo
My dad's physical therapist came to our house this morning. She is the one ray of light in my very long weekend. She was only here for an hour or so, but we have similar energy, so I feed off of her can do attitude. While my dad was in his session, I worked on finishing the Foundation's October newsletter. Then this afternoon, I took my parents out for a bit. While out, my mom was doing her usual lamenting. She then turned on me and said I needed to get over Peter. That I can't keep loving a person who doesn't love me. Rationally she makes sense, but it is very hard to do when you have been intertwined with someone for so long and the dissolution of our marriage makes zero sense to me. If I saw it coming that would be hard enough, but at least I would be prepared. Not only wasn't I prepared, but I was left in the worst possible manner.
I was so upset with my mom, that I literally walked away from both of my parents for about five minutes to regroup. I typically don't do that, but it was either that or explode. Since my poor dad rarely knows what is going on, it served no point for me to start screaming.
When I got home later today, I changed clothes, grabbed the hedge trimmer and went at it in the backyard. I got a tall ladder and dealt with a very large shrub. Then just kept on going. I had a big clean up job but I needed to move, I needed fresh air, and I needed to be away from conversation and noise.
I am dealing with intense heartache and intense caregiving at the same time. Imagine each day looking a lot like the same day before it. Imagine not having a minute to yourself, not even to recover from a medical procedure or a flu shot. Imagine to not have the freedom to do anything because your day is programmed around caring for other people. This is what my life has looked like for three years now, and that alone can bring down someone's mood and spirit. But as difficult as this is, Peter walking out on me on September 23, 2023, has done indescribable and permanent damage.
No comments:
Post a Comment