Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2006. Mattie was four a half years old. When I snapped this photo, my thinking at the time was I wanted to capture Mattie's eclectic side! After all, putting clothes on top of pajamas, made no sense to me. But to Mattie this seemed like a good thing to do, so I just followed his lead. I may have been his parent, but I credit Mattie as being my greatest teacher in life.
Quote of the day: Be confused, it’s where you begin to learn new things. Be broken, it’s where you begin to heal. Be frustrated, it’s where you start to make more authentic decisions. Be sad, because if we are brave enough we can hear our heart’s wisdom through it. Be whatever you are right now. No more hiding. You are worthy. Always. ~ S.C. Lourie
This morning after getting my dad showered, dressed, and had breakfast, I jumped into the car and went grocery shopping. I had to get that task over with because I have no time for this on Friday. When I got back from the store, I quickly put items away, got my dad toileted, and took my parents to CVS. We all had a scheduled flu shot. Since my parents moved in, I get a flu shot annually. If they were not living with me, I would forego the shot, as it typically makes me feel awful. But I can't afford to get the flu now, otherwise my entire household would come to a stand still.
While at CVS, waiting for the pharmacist, we got to interact with a three year old boy. He was there with his parents, and his mom was getting a vaccine. This little boy was priceless. Friendly, curious, playing with items on the shelves, waved at customers, and even blew kisses. I told his dad that his son was the new CVS ambassador. I naturally relate to little boys, given my experience raising Mattie. When I compare these parents today to the woman without shoes in the parking lot on Tuesday, it makes me pause. None of us have control over who are parents are, but they certainly influence our entire life.
This evening I went to my weekly therapy session. I told the therapist that I see no point in therapy. I am stuck not understanding why Peter left me and I am decimated by his decision. I even said that I can imagine she is tired of listening to my broken record. She has been trying to get me to take a step forward by at least be willing to accept that there could be life without Peter. Normally I can't even go there! Not that I was able to today, but the one difference is she took a step back and reflected. She reflected on what I have actually accomplished since September 23, 2023, the day Peter left me. She acknowledged that moving from married to almost divorced in a year's time is FAST emotionally. I concur, and not only fast, but I have had no say in the process. Whether I want to get divorced or not, doesn't matter! In the eyes of the law, if Peter wants to get divorced, it happens.
It takes great planning to execute a marriage, and a stroke of a pen to dissolve it. Any case, the therapist has been trying to get me to channel my connection to Mattie to manage times when I feel great angst. Times when I feel so alone and devastated. In essence, she is talking about focusing on my more spiritual side. While she was talking, it triggered a text conversation I had just a few days ago with my friend, Cheryl. So I recounted this dialogue to the therapist.
Cheryl and her group of friends were praying for me on Monday, when I was having a colonoscopy. When I told Cheryl the results were fine, we continued our text dialogue. I told her that I feel that God continues to test me. Actually I think God has it out for me, but that is another story. Cheryl could have dismissed the comment or said something trite. But that isn't Cheryl. Instead it was how she responded that caught my attention. Her response was that she wasn't sure God was the one testing me, but more like the one holding me up. I have to tell you I never looked at it that way. It got me to pause and for a moment think..... is God really with me? Is he witnessing my heartache?
Needless to say, I told the therapist that this week when I face moments of despair, I will try to think of Mattie and will ask God to look out for me. I am not saying this is a magical solution, but perhaps it will give me an outlet that is bigger than myself. I have to say while recanting the story to the therapist about "God holding me up," I was in tears and by the time I finished with therapist, so was she. This signaled to me for once that..... YES she gets my pain and is listening.
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