Sunday, December 8, 2024

Sunday, December 8, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that day I visited Mattie's kindergarten class. I baked homemade gingerbread cookies and after reading the book, Gingerbread Baby, to the class, the children got to decorate their own cookies. I made royal icing and brought in all sorts of goodies for decorating! This was Mattie's cookie, complete with marshmallows! I always inserted myself into Mattie's classrooms, whether it was preschool or elementary school. I wanted to get to know his teachers and friends. By kindergarten Mattie was asserting more of independence, nonetheless, I always found a way to be involved because it was important for me to share in his experiences. 

Quote of the day: Divorce shreds the muscles of our hearts so that they will hardly beat without a struggle. ~ E. Lockhart

When I began working with my divorce attorney in October of 2023, she saw the writing on the wall WAY BEFORE me. I just couldn't accept what she was telling me. Which was..... Peter was having an affair! I couldn't process this! I felt I knew Peter better than she did and clearly she had to be wrong! After all, there had to be a logical explanation for why he was leaving me! When I told my lawyer that Peter lost 40 pounds, became a runner and exercised daily starting at 4am, had a different diet than the rest of us in the house, and purchased a brand new and expensive wardrobe.... her response was.... these are classic signs of an affair! My lawyer has been practicing for over 25 years, so she isn't a novice. Yet despite her credentials and years of experience, I thought I knew better! I trusted Peter, I believed in our marriage, and I believed that we both were committed and respected each other and our vows. "Always and forever," which is what is engraved on our wedding bands! Given that I had no evidence of past transgressions with affairs, I did not think an affair was possible. Now of course I wonder.... did I miss that too!? Since I did not see this train wreck coming until Peter walked out the door on September 23, 2023, maybe there were other affairs too. 

This morning, I spent about two hours outside pruning one of our crape myrtles and several hydrangea bushes. It was practically 66 degrees in December. It was the perfect day to be outside. I also figured the more I do, the less I will have to pay our landscapers! I wanted to cut back our rose beds too, but I had to stop to take my parents out to brunch. 

At brunch, like so many meals, we got into an argument about Peter. Peter's behavior and cruelty hasn't just impacted me. Though my dad's cognitive decline is significant, he is in touch enough to know my pain and devastation. At brunch he started talking (which is rare!) about the fact that he is upset with himself. When I asked why, his response was because he always thought Peter would be a good husband and father. He approved of my marriage to Peter, and now he feels responsible that he did not see the warning signs to protect me. As if he could have prevented this nightmare! I listened and then I told my dad that he should not give this one more minute of thought. My dad is NOT responsible for what transpired. He couldn't see warning signs in Peter, because Peter never showed this side of himself. You can't warn someone of something that you aren't aware of yourself! I told my dad that we were all working with the knowledge we had, and from our time and experiences with Peter, we thought he was a wonderful, loving, committed, responsible, bright, and professional person. This is the Peter we all saw up until 2023, before this woman came into our lives. 

Do you believe that one person can transform or influence a person's personality? Can transform one's core values? Can get a person to turn against their own wife and family? I know I wouldn't believe that this was possible, and frankly if someone else told me this story, I would be thinking.... what else is really going on? There had to be other problems? There had to be warning signs? But the reality is NO, there were NO years or months of trouble. In fact, up until July 2023 (two months before Peter left me), he was still writing me beautiful notes and cards! Here's the irony of it all, on July 15, 2023, on our 28th anniversary, Peter wrote this in a card to me....

Here is to 28 years together. Wow! I am grateful for the beautiful journey we have shared. Here's to many more cherished moments together. 

So what happened? Do you see my confusion? I did not see any of this coming, but then again, who would think that Peter would leave after a 35 year relationship (just when I needed a lot of emotional support caring for my parents), refuse to talk to me, refuse to connect with our family and friends, and then have an affair and move in with my neighbor? This is so surreal, I couldn't possibly make this stuff up! Yet here I am, facing this reality each and every day.