Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2002. Mattie was 7 months old. I remember purchasing for him that adorable puppy hat and our life in the city. Mattie and I posed for this fall photo in front of the oak tree, which was right outside our balcony window. It is ironic, because this tree served many purposes for us when Mattie became a preschooler! Mattie loved to collect acorns from this tree and this tree provided us with leaves in the spring for Mattie's tent moth collection! I will never forget this tree. So much so, that we planted acorns from this tree years ago, which now grow faithfully in flower pots in our current backyard!
Quote of the day: Familiar like a forgotten song from long ago that takes you back to a moment the second you hear it. And you recognize who you were. Then. And now. And you have to figure out how to reconcile the two. ~ Katy Regnery
Last night I decided to write to my three friends who I celebrate Christmases with to see if they would be willing to come to my house again this year. Holidays are difficult for me, now more than ever. But these friends understand this and I do not want the day to go by especially for my parents without feeling we are celebrating the holiday in some way. For the most part I am no longer social, on any level. I do not get together with friends, I do not do anything else other than my usual routine. My life is very limited, but even if it wasn't limited by caregiving, I frankly would not know what to do with myself anyway. My life ended the day I became single. That may sound dramatic, but it is the truth. The truth isn't always fun to read.
I am grateful that all three of my friends immediately responded back and they are all coming on December 25. That to me is a big gift, as eating a holiday dinner without their company would be beyond painful. Cooking big meals always reminds me of my grandmother! When I was growing up, we ate in courses! My grandmother would make three course holiday meals, and that did not include dessert. So my grandmother was cooking for days. Despite all her work, she did it with grace and ease. Or at least she made it look that way! She is another person I deeply miss and I would like to think she is smiling down on me, because she was an amazing influence on me in terms of my ability to be a caregiver and to cook.
This is the complexity of holidays. They are portrayed as happy in social media, movies, and print, but for so many of us, the holidays are fraught with grief and loss. Now when I look around my table, I have to face the bitter reality of the loss of both Mattie and my marriage.
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