Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005. Mattie was three years old and standing in his frog sandbox, on our deck. Mattie grew to love his sandbox and could spend hours in it. He would bring toys from inside, and throw them in the sand and create elaborate play schemes. He especially loved putting his hotwheels cars in the sand, and then when he was done playing, he would actually then move the cars into a bowl of water, and literally gave all the cars a bath.
I wanted to post a sandbox picture tonight because I have a sandbox story for you. Mattie's sandbox no longer sits on our deck. It sits outside the green door you see in the picture. Basically it sits right in front of our deck. We moved it out there because Speedy Red is taking up a lot of real estate and there was NO room for the sandbox. Peter has recently told me that there are children in our complex who play with Mattie's sandbox. When he told me this, I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy because to me this was Mattie's and no one should be touching it, because just like all his other things, the intact sandbox preserves his memory. Any case, today, as Peter and I were getting ready to leave our home, Peter alerted me that there was a little girl with her mom outside, and he took off the roof of the sandbox so the little girl could play in the sand and with Mattie's toys. When he told me this, I said nothing, but when I opened the door, I could clearly see the girl was playing and having a wonderful time in the box. She had set up ramps with the wood pieces Mattie had in there, and was racing his hotwheels cars all along the ramps (similarly to how Mattie played). I could clearly see the mother was appreciative that Peter allowed her daughter to play with the sandbox, so I basically took in the sight, but did not say much. For me this is progress, because months ago, I probably would have been very upset by this whole scene.
Poem of the day: Small Things by Charlie Brown
There are moments
When the day is done
I can fool myself into believing
You're still here my son
I walk inside and
What do I see
Your shoes, your toys
Waiting for me
Just as you left them
Waiting for you
To pick them up
And start building anew
And then I realize
You're not coming home
And I have to face
My grief alone
Please understand
As I pick up each thing
And put them away
To your memory I cling
While some of your things
May be out of sight
Your laughter and love
Are with me each night
So unlike your memories
I put things away
For all I can carry
Is your memory today.
This morning, Peter and I met Bill O'Leary. Bill is a full time photographer with The Washington Post. Bill was very interested in Mattie's story and was fascinated by all of Mattie's artistic creations from Mr. Sun, his clay sculptures, Dr. Crazyhair, Mattie's Lego Taxi (that he made the night the Lego store opened just for him) and the list goes on! Bill wanted to see Mattie's room, which is by far the worst and most cluttered room in our home. Mainly because I have piled things of Mattie's in his room. Bill had no visible reaction to this chaos, but only continued to be interested by everything we showed him. I still have Mattie's IV pole, and we had to explain to Bill why Mattie needed an IV and why either Peter or I slept with Mattie at all times. As Peter and I reflected on our life today, we told Bill that we weren't only battling cancer, but Mattie's cancer treatments left him physically disabled. So that was a great deal for a six year old to have to contend with, and naturally it was beyond overwhelming for us. Why do I still keep Mattie's IV pole and commode? I am not sure, but I know I am not ready to give them away. They are symbols to me of what we survived. Almost like our medals of honor. They symbolize how life altering Mattie's cancer was, and frankly right now, I am not ready to move on and dismiss this. So instead, these objects sit in Mattie's room, along with many other things. Bill must have taken hundreds of pictures today of us, Mattie, Mattie's creations, the Foundation's symbol, Foundation merchandise, and even photographed me while I was talking. Lord knows what that actually looks like on film! Bill worked with us for about 45 minutes, and he was delightful to talk with. Unfortunately Rick (The Washington Post reporter covering our story) contacted us today, to let us know that it WON'T be running in tomorrow's paper. There wasn't enough space. So I will keep you posted on the next scheduled date.
Later on today, we drove to Mattie's school in order to attach the acorn shaped birdhouse that my in-laws sent us for our anniversary onto Mattie's tree. At the entrance to the campus, we saw Bob Weiman (the head of the lower school, or better known on this blog as "The Magic Man") and his family. Bob came over to chat with us and told us that he just took his kids to the Lego exhibit at the National Building Museum. An exhibit Mattie would have absolutely loved. We showed Bob the birdhouse and told him our plans for the tree. Bob let me know that the tree looks great and is well taken care of. As we said our good-byes and headed for the tree, I realized immediately that this is another component of my life that I miss. I miss Mattie's school community and certainly interacting with Bob. Bob and I saw each other quite often while Mattie was sick, and his kindness and regard for Mattie will never be forgotten by us.
Mattie's tree looks beautiful. It looks young and strong, the perfect symbol of a young fallen hero. I was thrilled to see that the tree has a gator bag, an irrigation system, around the base of it. It is SO hot, that this young tree really does need water in order to continue to grow and flourish. Peter attached the acorn birdhouse to the tree and we snapped some pictures of the permanent plaque (which wasn't present on the day of the tree dedication ceremony), along with the tree and birdhouse.
Mattie's tree, and in the center of the tree you can see a very subtle acorn shaped birdhouse.
Peter and I do not have a grave site to visit, since Mattie's ashes are home with us. But for us it is very symbolic to visit Mattie's tree. As I was looking at the playground, I remembered all the times Mattie ran around it, climbed various structures, played in the sandbox, and swang on the swings. In a way, I could hear the sounds and see the sights in my mind, yet when reality takes over, naturally all I see is a barren playground. I assure you if you think that having only memories left of one's child is easy, you are sorely mistaken.
I spent several hours this afternoon with Mary, Ann's mom. I showed Mary some of the photographs Ann sent me to print out for Mary, and Mary enjoyed hearing about their trip and also chatting about her own day. Mary made a few phone calls and even wanted to sit outside in this very hot weather. So we covered a lot of territory. Before Mary went to bed, one of her caregivers read a passage from the bible to her, since we all know that Mary is a very religious person. Tonight's passage was from the Book of Matthew. To make a long story short the premise of the scripture was if you believe in God hard enough, then all your troubles and ailments will be healed. Neither Mary or I said anything as this passage was being read, but we both clearly understood that NO amount of praying was going to help her son or my Mattie. What is interesting about this is, here before you stands two women, both of whom lost their sons. Yet Mary doesn't question God or her beliefs in God, whereas I do. I am not sure what explains our differences, but I am aware of them. I also know that one can't just believe in a higher power when things go right and correctly, one has to have faith even during times of trouble. I get that cognitively, but not emotionally yet.
This evening I heard from Toni, Brandon's mom. I then received several text messages from Brandon (Mattie's big buddy for the Hospital). Some of you may recall that it was Brandon's birthday this week. What he wanted to do for his birthday was to sky dive. I am happy to report that Brandon successfully jumped out of a plane today and he thought it was "cool." So I have officially said, that Sean Swarner now has competition, Brandon is on the scene! I was so happy that Toni and Brandon contacted us today to let us know about this successful birthday adventure! If you can survive cancer, you can survive anything! Brandon has proved that today. Brandon is another gift that Mattie has brought into our lives, and I am so happy that our families continue to reach out to each other.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Picking up toys and putting things away. Of course it is a big deal! It is an admission to yourself that Mattie will not return and ask you where something is. That's a huge step to take. I am glad you had the opportunity to sit with Tamara last night and talk about this and how you feel. Finding a way to incorporate some of Mattie's things in a way that is meaningful to you but allows you space to live on is important. This is not a "straight line" effort; you will try some things that work and others that don't work for you. Find ways to compromise between your heart and your head. With all that you were involved in yesterday you found the time to continue to do good deeds, to care for both Ann's garden and her mother. Both required attention of different sorts and you did such an amazing job with both. Most people would have left Mary sleeping and felt relief, but you brought her out of her hiding place to reconnect with Ann and those around her. Let those of us who can, reach out and help you to do the same. As I practice today I send you the energy to continue to navigate these treacherous places on the path. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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