Sunday, June 28, 2026

Sunday, June 28, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. I will never forget this moment in time. Sitting next to Mattie was Maya. Maya was Mattie's age! This was the only kid that Mattie related to, the rest of his buddies were older. Maya, like Mattie, is bright, full of energy, and sensitive. These two became friends months before this photo was taken. How? Well Mattie was sitting at the art table with other children. Each of them was working on an independent project. Mattie was quiet. Maya started a dialogue at the table by basically saying that she hated needles and they frighten her. That admission opened up the door for Mattie to respond. He felt like he could relate to Maya, as he agreed.... he did not like needles either. From that moment on, whenever they were in clinic together, you can rest assured they were playing together. On this particular day, that was captured in the photo, they created a small stage out of a box and they were performing a play about space for all who would listen. 

Quote of the day: Divorce shreds the muscles of our hearts so that they will hardly beat without a struggle. ~ E. Lockhart

For the last two days, I have been dealing with countless bathroom accidents with my dad. Yesterday's nightmare started in bed. That caused countless loads of laundry and thankfully it wasn't raining yesterday, because after things were washed, I aired them outside in the backyard. That made all the difference in the world. 

Today the issues did not calm down, they just got worse. I literally took my dad to the bathroom before putting him in the car to go out to brunch. I had just finished cleaning him up and I thought, I would get a break at the restaurant. Forget it. I did not even make it down the driveway, and he went again. Instead of going right back into the house, I continued driving to the restaurant in order to make our reservation time. As soon as I got to the restaurant, I got my dad out of the car, I left the car by the front door with my hazard lights on, and I took him to the bathroom. Thank goodness I travel with garbage bags, gloves, wipes, depends, and a change of clothing. What I saw was like a crime scene and he needed to be completely changed, everything.... including the socks. Of course women were coming into the bathroom and several were complaining about the smell! I understand, believe me. It was so bad, I thought about throwing out his pants, but instead, I put them in a garbage bag and then placed them in my trunk while we ate. I am not sure how I did not get physically sick or was able to eat after that bathroom visit, but I managed. 

We had a lovely server work with us today. I know of her, but she never worked with us before. She was truly a ray of sunshine, and given that conversing with my parents is impossible, this woman truly added energy to our meal. I enjoyed getting to know her and talking about different subjects. One of the subjects discussed was the anxiety over worrying about money. Putting life on hold, constantly working, and never taking a break. I did not interject my life into her story, as our stories are different, but I absolutely understand her fears, anxieties, and worries about the future. Before I left the restaurant, the server  let me know that she was having a hard day, but after working with us, she felt better. That made me happy, as the feeling was mutual. 

When I got home, I had a big clean up of clothing to do, but after that ordeal, I went right back into the garden. My rubrum lilies are about to bloom. In 2022, my other half planted countless rubrum lily bulbs in the backyard. Why? Because I LOVE them! These lilies bloom around July 4th every year. They are incredible plants and beautiful producers! I went out and cut off a few of the flowers. They will eventually bloom inside the house and the fragrance will be intoxicating. Naturally I look at these flowers and remember when my life was more normal, when things made sense, and I was a wife. I have been married longer, than I have been a single person. Being divorced feels like someone cut me in a half, and that other half will never repair itself. Instead, I just try to find a way not to bleed out and survive day by day. 

Saturday, June 27, 2026

Saturday, June 27, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. You maybe asking yourself.... what's going on here?! Well Mattie was in the outpatient oncology clinic and he was having a wheelchair race with one of his art therapists. Understand that all of Mattie's art therapists and child life specialist would challenge Mattie to races and games. He thought it was fun and games, but we were all cognizant of the importance of keeping his body moving and building up strength. Remember at that moment in time, we thought Mattie was stable and we were working to transition him back to school that Fall. Of course two months after this photo was taken, we learned that Mattie's cancer metastasized throughout his body. 

Quote of the day: I'll tell you something, Harpy," he said, his voice almost a whisper now. "It never even occurred to me that we wouldn't make it. And it never occurred to you that we would. You were just waiting for us to go down in flames. I thought we could get through anything. ~ Kristan Higgins

Last night, I was cleaning up the dinner dishes and about to give my parents dessert. While working around the kitchen, my mom was talking to my dad about his day at the memory care center. The center has now provided me with a daily written account of what my dad does, which is super helpful as we can use this to start conversations with my dad about his day. Without that daily account, I have no idea what my dad does all day, and he has no idea either. As my dad is moving to late stage dementia, he is almost completely living inside his head. It is very hard to get him to talk and he most definitely doesn't like to be asked questions or to have a dialogue. 

So back to last night, as my mom was talking to my dad about his day, he snapped. He did not want to hear one more thing from either of us. Meaning, he did not want to hear conversation or talking and then went on to say that he wants to be just left alone and put in a nursing home. THAT IS WHEN I LOST IT! I have given up every aspect of my life to care for my parents and to hear that what I am doing is not even valued or appreciated did not sit well with me. When I say I lost it, it was an internal losing it. I did not lash out, scream, or express my disgust. I did not have to, as my mom gave it to my dad. My dad has NO IDEA what life would look like for him living in a nursing home, and the only thing that intrigues him about a nursing home is that he would live a completely silent and sedentary life. 

Any case, I went to bed with all those feelings swirling around in my mind, along with the catastrophic demise of my marriage. It is remarkable how I can function with all this going on. On an aside, you may recall that I tried to join a support group two years ago. I did not make it past two sessions as I did not like how the group was run. I just learned that the group leader killed herself last week. We may all have different viewpoints about suicide, but given that I understand first hand what it is like to lose someone you love, I have great empathy for the pain this woman was in and I am saddened by hearing this news. As I said to fellow group members that I still keep in touch with.... there but for the grace of God go I. 

This morning, while my dad was doing physical therapy with his therapist, I started cleaning a few of my windows, inside and out. There are some windows that I see everyday, and I love to see them clean. I was going to have all the exterior windows of the house cleaned this year, but my life is on hold with this mortgage assumption. Therefore, I decided to clean some of them myself today. I love this kitchen window. From it I can see my garden fountain and lots of hummingbirds. 

This is my dining room window. It faces a beautiful crape myrtle tree, which isn't in bloom yet. 

The living room window. It was a total mess! Now it is sparkling clean. I find the more I move around, the better my head feels, and I can feel the anxiety I live with dissipate. Therefore, I keep moving!

My favorite window in the house! It leads to our porch. I will never forget seeing this window and porch for the first time when I toured the house with a realtor in 2021. I fell in love with the garden and the view. Now five years later, I still LOVE my garden and my views. 

Friday, June 26, 2026

Friday, June 26, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. Mattie was pictured between Brandon and Jocelyn. These were Mattie's closest buddies in cancer. Mattie and Brandon were diagnosed around the same time, and despite their age difference, they got along splendidly. Jocelyn was older than both Mattie and Brandon. However, she had the same cancer diagnosis as Mattie, and she quickly became a beautiful friend and mentor to Mattie. She normalized limb salvaging surgery for him and I will never forget her taking off her prosthetic leg and showing it to Mattie. I do not know where we would have been without these two amazing friends and it saddens me that both Mattie and Jocelyn lost their lives to Osteosarcoma. 

Quote of the day: In every friendship hearts grow and entwine themselves together, so that the two hearts seem to make only one heart with only a common thought. That is why separation is so painful; it is not so much two hearts separating, but one being torn asunder. ~ Fulton J. Sheen

I have no idea where today went. I was jumping from one task and demand to the next. It is now 6:30pm and I know I have to move away from the computer immediately as I am still fighting off a horrific migraine. Before I become unable to function, I now know when I have to stop and drop everything. So hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. 

Thursday, June 25, 2026

Thursday, June 25, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. Next to Mattie was Charlotte. Mattie met Charlotte on his first day of kindergarten, and they became instant friends. In fact, if you asked Mattie, he would tell you that Charlotte was his girlfriend and he was going to marry her in the future. That particular day, we took Mattie and Charlotte to the canals in Georgetown and they went on a ride through the canal, on a boat pulled by mules. I captured this photo of the duo. Mattie was super happy to be with Charlotte, to have completed kindergarten, and to start summer vacation. Little did we know that a month later Mattie was going to be diagnosed with cancer.  

Quote of the day: You don't know when you're twenty-three. You don't know what it really means to crawl into someone else's life and stay there. You can't see all the ways you're going to get tangled, how you're going to bond skin to skin. How the idea of separating will feel in five years, in ten - in fifteen. When Georgie thought about divorce now, she imagined lying side by side with Neal on two operating tables while a team of doctors tried to unthread their vascular systems. She didn't know at twenty-three. ~ Rainbow Rowell

I think everything about life hit me last night. Most of my days look like I am jumping from one thing to another, and another, and another. By the time I had to make dinner last night, I just couldn't. A migraine was coming on, I was nauseous, lightheaded, and couldn't function. Of course, exercising right before I had to make dinner, wasn't a good plan, because I was already tired.

I can't tell you how many different medications I took last night, in order to just make my parents something to eat and then to clean up the dishes. I couldn't handle smelling food, so I literally took out the waffle maker, and whipped together a batter. I was gifted this waffle maker years ago by my former in-laws. I can't tell you how many waffles I made for Mattie over the years. He loved them. Even Sunny loved waffles.  

I attempted to eat a waffle last night, and I knew I had to stop immediately. No food would go down. After I cleaned up the dishes, I went to my room. I put an ice pack on my head and tried to regroup before I had to take my dad upstairs for bed. 

What I learned last night is my mom truly has no idea how to manage my dad or take care of his needs. She doesn't know how to change him, doesn't get the process, and of course my dad can't even tell her. So as sick as I was, I did his bathroom routine, changed his wound care, got him upstairs, and into bed. Getting my dad into bed is NOT an easy process either, as my dad can no longer lift his legs into bed, and he can't prop his head up. So literally I have to lift his legs into bed, and then quickly jump on the bed, stand up behind him and push his back forward to tuck pillows behind him. Then of course, I have pillow wedges everywhere... behind him, under his knees, under his arms, and a bed rail. 

By the time I got into bed, I was so ill. I didn't know if I could fall asleep. Thanks to migraine medications, I did! I woke up this morning at 6am, with a violent headache, but I wasn't nauseous or lightheaded, so this is how I started the day. I have learned throughout all these years to push through pain, but I didn't exercise today because I was strung out with non-stop mortgage assumption demands and Foundation administrative issues. Due to my dad's dementia, he really kept no usable files of financial documents for me to turn to, so any time I need to verify something, I have to call the company in question. I am beyond frustrated and each day the mortgage company has additional hurdles for me to jump through. May tomorrow be a more stable day.

Wednesday, June 24, 2026

Wednesday, June 24, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. I remember this moment in time like it were yesterday. It was Mattie's end of the year kindergarten party. It was held at a local park, and I volunteered that day to help the teachers and to run games. I was lucky enough to snap this photo of Mattie with his two best kindergarten buddies.... Charlotte and Campbell. Charlotte was convinced that all three of them were going to go to college together. Such a lovely thought, and at that moment in time, I had NO IDEA that this was going to be our first and last "end of school party."

Quote of the day: You asked why I couldn't forgive you," Nick said, very quietly, and I jumped a little. "It was because you were the love of my life, Harper. And you didn't want to be. That's hard to let go.” ~ Kristan Higgins

If you ask me what I am doing each day of the week, you will find that it is pretty consistent. I do the same thing on Mondays, the same thing on Tuesdays..... well you get the picture. I have shut out the world, because I do not feel like the world understands me. This is not an unusual reaction to anyone who has been traumatized and is traumatized. The only way we can survive is routine, consistency, and retreating to protect one's self. I have three strikes against me..... I lost a child to cancer, I am unexpectedly divorced after a long term marriage, and I am the full time caregiver of my parents. Any one of these things makes me stick out, all three of these is like the horrific trifecta. 

But today, my friend in childhood cancer, Ilona, asked to meet for lunch. So my mom and I met Ilona for lunch. We had good conversation, shared updates, and had tasty treats. Look at this counter of pastries!!!!! 

It was nice to do something outside of the routine, but that said, I just feel so different. My friends are retiring and they are looking forward to their next chapter. For me, I have no one to spend my next chapter with, my other half is gone, the person who I thought was always going to be there for me and the person who held Mattie memories with me. So to me, I see no future whatsoever. 

Last night, we watched another episode of When Calls the Heart. Brooke Shields is in this series and plays the role of a bereaved mother, as her son (a Mountie) died in a training activity. In this particular scene, she was talking to her daughter-in-law. Brooke Shields' character received a drawing from her grandson (you can see it by her hands). The drawing shows her ALONE on an deserted island. Her grandson views her as a strong person, who doesn't need anyone. Of course this is the perspective of a young child who doesn't quite understand profound loss and bereavement. But Brooke Shields' character last night could have been talking about me! I truly was glued to her every word as she was talking to her daughter-in-law, because she described the ramifications of child loss..... you become an island. An island both self imposed and imposed on you by others. 

Tuesday, June 23, 2026

Tuesday, June 23, 2026 -- Mattie died 851 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. That weekend, we met up with Mattie's kindergarten buddy, Campbell, and we attended the Cardboard Boat Regatta. I can't tell you how much fun this was to see small boats made out of cardboard boxes and teams competing to see if their boats would float and win the race. Literally this was right up Mattie's alley, and his hope was to one day be on a team and create his own boat. Of course that day never came. A month later, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. After the races, Mattie and Campbell were playing by the water, and as you can see, Mattie was checking out how a soda can could float in the water!

Quote of the day: It is better to lock up your heart with a merciless padlock than to fall in love with someone who doesn't know what they mean to you. ~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Today was quite a depressing weather day. Gray, dark, pouring rain, and damp. Typically I do not let weather stop me, but today, it was relentless. So I never took my parents out. This makes for a very long day at home. We had visits from my dad's physical therapist and the nurse. My dad worked with the therapist for an hour, within an hour's time, I had to take him to the bathroom and change him twice. Though I am not reporting on bathroom issues as much on the blog, I assure you that my life hasn't gotten any easier in that department. It starts from the moment my dad wakes up and continues throughout the day. Most of his doctors and people who meet him, look at my dad and as always see him wearing clean clothes, being physically clean, nails trimmed, and hair cut. I am not sure where these people are at, but I assure you most of them do not understand that I manage all of these things daily. Case in point, the last time I saw my dad's primary care doctor, he counseled me that things would get worse, in which I would have to shower my dad, dress, and toilet him. I literally laughed out loud and said to the doctor...... what do you think I am doing now? CLUELESS. 

Thankfully during the winter, I make all sorts of homemade soups and then store them in the freezer. Out came the turkey soup today and it made for a great lunch. After which, I returned to the computer to finish an ethics classes I have been taking for my license renewal next year. I finished it today, and got three more hours of continuing education done. Doesn't sound like a lot, but with my schedule, completing any hour is a WIN! 

I am now on an exercise routine too. I am getting my cholesterol levels checked again at the end of July, and I want to see if a month's worth of exercise makes any difference. So I started back up again on Saturday, and have do 30 minutes of walking on the treadmill and step climbing daily. With the Foundation's Walk behind me, and as much of the mortgage assumption paperwork behind me, I am trying to commit to focusing on my own health. Or that is at least today's thinking. The doctor seems to think aerobic/cardio exercising will help my mood and give me an outlet to expend anxious energy that is monumental from my divorce. It is too early to tell whether I feel a difference, but I will keep at it and see. 

Monday, June 22, 2026

Monday, June 22, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. It is hard to believe that a month after this happy photo, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. That weekend, we took Mattie on a canoe ride along the Potomac River. This was a frequent occurrence for Mattie, but typically I wasn't included on those trips. That day, I was asked to come along, and naturally I did! As you can see, Mattie was smiling, and he was excited to show me his skills on the canoe and all the things he saw along the shoreline! Priceless moments. 

Quote of the day: The snag about marriage is, it isn’t worth the divorce. ~ Suzanne Finnamore

This morning after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I drove to an outpatient infusion center to get my six month dosage of Prolia (for osteoporosis). I can't tell you what hurdles I need to jump through every six months to get my insurer to cover this medication. My mom gets the same drug, but Medicare makes it super easy. 

Over the last two months, my preauthorization for Prolia was denied. The insurer basically said, I had to take the generic equivalent. My doctor assured me that would be fine. So today, I was set to get the generic. When I arrived at the center, they were going to give me Prolia. I literally flipped out, because if I get a shot of Prolia, that is not authorized, I will be paying close to $2,000 out of pocket. No thank you! Any case, the nurse at this center was just lovely. We literally combed through my Cigna portal and she contacted her billing office. Turns out, that my insurer changed their minds at the last minute and did provide me a preauthorization for Prolia. Seriously, everything is a crisis. 

Before the nurse gave me Prolia, she wanted to take my blood pressure. Given how worked up I was, she was concerned my pressure would be high. Nope! My blood pressure was low. She was stunned. Any case, who would guess that sitting in an infusion chair could be a break, could be relaxing? Well for me it is! It is a few minutes in which I am sitting still, I am not addressing problems, issues, or caregiving. The infusion center has a TV screen with piped in images of nature and animals. I literally was staring at that screen for ten minutes, and at one point I closed my eyes. It was the most peace I had all day. 

It was in that moment of time, I did not think about my divorce, my 35 year relationship, the child we had together, the Foundation we built together, or the sheer chaos my life has been since 2023. It is unfortunate however, that this peace never lasts long. Because as soon as I walked out the door of the infusion center, reality hits...... responsibilities pile up, and the emotional pain and toll of a devastating divorce greet me once again. 

Sunday, June 21, 2026

Sunday, June 21, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on Father's Day of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that day we decided to take our first DC Ducks tour as a family. This tour bus was right up Mattie's alley because it was an open air bus that could drive on pavement but when it got into water, it converted into a boat. As Mattie was into vehicles, I can't tell you the level of excitement over this bus/boat! In addition, the tour guide gave us all a yellow whistle in the shape of a duck's bill. When you blew it, it sounded like a duck call. That was our first and last duck boat ride, but a moment in time that I will never forget. I have now lost both my son and his father. 

Quote of the day: It's only when you grow up and step back from him — or leave him for your own home — it's only then that you can measure his greatness and fully appreciate it. ~ Margaret Truman

This morning I was listening to the radio while getting ready for the day. Being Father's Day, they played Thomas Rhett's song, Things Dads Do. I attached it below if you have never heard it. It is a beautiful tribute to a loving dad. Like so many holidays, I am very cognizant that Father's Day is not always a happy day for some. Perhaps your father died, or your father was not involved in your life, or you never knew your father. I am sure there are many other reasons why this could be a painful day for so many. What I am quite certain though, is Hallmark doesn't have a father's day card that covers the devastation of my life. 

While listening to Thomas Rhett's song, it pulled me for a moment out of my sea of sadness, and it reminded me that I am lucky to have my parents. My dad's life is to be celebrated, because my dad has always been a solid, unwaveringly, and committed family man. There was NEVER a doubt where his priority and allegiances were and as I told him today he is a rare gem in a complex world. 

Thomas Rhett's......Things Dads Do

This morning my dad got cards and gifts! No matter how old he is, he still LOVES gifts!

We took my dad out for an early dinner. Cheryl, our server, surprised my dad with chocolate chip cookies and a card. We have known Cheryl since 2021, when my parents moved to Virginia. She has been on our journey over the last five years and she always gives us gifts on birthdays and holidays! 

Saturday, June 20, 2026

Saturday, June 20, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007, during our trip to Dutch Wonderland. I learned about this theme park, that is geared to younger children, from Mattie's preschool friends. It truly was a fun moment in time, and I will never forget that at this park Mattie experienced his first roller coaster ride. I do not like movement and I have never been on a roller coaster in my life! In this regard, Mattie was NOTHING like me. He loved his first roller coaster ride, and went on it multiple times! He was a little fellow who was open to all adventures and as tomorrow is Father's Day, I can't help but reflect on the massive losses in my life.

Quote of the day: There is no such thing as a ‘broken family.’ Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you. ~ C. Joybell 

This morning my dad had a physical therapy session. We haven't seen this therapist in a month. I needed to take a break from Saturday morning sessions because I have been just too strung out with the mortgage assumption and daily life and routines. Most days, I wake up around 6am. Even on Saturdays when my dad has a therapy session. In May, I decided I couldn't handle having to feel stressed out on Saturday mornings juggling the shower and bathroom routine with my dad. But now that we are in June, I decided to resume his sessions because it is in his best interest. Today the therapist shared with me that she got engaged. We admired her engagement ring and like me she knows the person she is marrying for many, many years. She then talked with me about a wedding. She has decided she doesn't want a formal wedding. Instead, she is having a gathering in a park, with food, music, and all sorts of games. She wanted to know what I thought of that. My reaction was..... that is brilliant. Having had a big wedding, I would now say, FORGET IT! It is a total waste of money. Save the money, apply it to your future, and do what is meaningful to you!

Once I lost Mattie, my feelings changed completely about seeing pregnant woman and seeing babies. As sad as it sounds, I look at all pregnancies as a chance to face childhood cancer. Certainly childhood cancer is rare, but it isn't rare when it impacts and devastates your life. This sadness now translates to engagements, weddings, and marriage. I am Catholic, and as such marriage is one of the 7 sacraments. Since my marriage has not been annulled by the church, in my mind I honor the sacrament. But that said, my whole opinion on marriage has been tarnished. I see absolutely no point in this type of union, because what I have learned is nothing is forever. 

Back to my dad..... the therapist and I tried an experiment today. We had my dad do his hour long therapy session outside. Our driveway is completely shaded, thanks to several trees. Here is what we concluded. My dad responds to movement much better when he is outside! When he is in the house, the only thing he wants to do is head for his chair! 

Later this afternoon, I went back in my garden to feed the roses and pull weeds. This is how you enter my garden! You truly do not expect this until you come through the gate. One of my neighbors recently told me that I don't have an ordinary garden, but a botanical garden. I take pride in my garden and work hard throughout the summer to keep it thriving. It is my therapy!

The two brown pots are baby oak trees. We took acorns from the oak tree near our apartment in Washington, DC. When we moved into this house in 2021, we planted the acorns. That oak tree in Washington, DC supplied countless oak leaves for Mattie's tent moth caterpillars every spring. Now I have mini trees in the backyard, as a tribute to Mattie. In between the oak trees is a pink hydrangea, which I gave to my mom for Mother's day!

There are four large pots in the backyard filled with roses. These roses are MUCH, MUCH harder to maintain. Roses in the ground are much easier. In pots they get buggy and you really have to keep feeding and spraying them to get them to thrive. My other half planted roses in these pots and I am trying to keep the tradition going. 

I spent hours weeding today. Every flower bed gets covered in weeds. I have to do this practically weekly. 

When we bought this house, both the flower bed pictured above and this one were a mess. There was no rhyme or reason to either of them. I suggested we plant roses and they are thriving in both places. A friend gave me iris bulbs and they seem to love this spot too. Years ago my former mother-in-law gave me the metal sunflower and birdfeeders you see here. I now get daily visits from gold finches at these feeders! 

Getting a feeling for the amount of weeding I have done this weekend?

Friday, June 19, 2026

Friday, June 19, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007. Mattie was five years old and we took him for a weekend away in Lancaster, PA. We stayed at a hotel that provided breakfast in the morning. The chef took a liking to Mattie, as Mattie loved his waffles! One morning, the chef decided to give Mattie his own chef's hat! As you can see this made Mattie very happy. These were memorable moments, and back then, I thought we would have a lifetime of special moments together. I would never have guessed that two years after this photo was taken, Mattie would be dying from cancer.  

Quote of the day: Heartbreak is a loss. Divorce is a piece of paper. ~ Taylor Jenkins Reid

I woke up with a horrible migraine today, but I had to plow through the pain and deal with it. Later in the day, after my parents were fed and relaxing, I decided to spent two hours in the garden. My therapy is weeding and using hedge trimmers. I got out my ladder out and the used the trimmers to cut back the very large hydrangea bush outside my family room window. The bush was so large, that I couldn't see any of the backyard. I hate cutting it because it produces beautiful flowers, but I felt like I had no choice. 

This is what the hydrangea looks like now. It has a much better shape and it lost a lot of its height. I spend a great deal of time maintaining the grounds of this house. I take it one flower bed at a time, and with the heat and humidity, the weeds are a weekly occurrence. 

I took many of the flower clipping from the hydrangea bush and made floral arrangements for all over the house. What I love about these flowers is that when they dry, they are amazing. I have the dried flowers all year long. They look beautiful in a vase!

This is how the flowers dry! Aren't they lovely?

Thursday, June 18, 2026

Thursday, June 18, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007. It was Memorial Day weekend and we took Mattie to Amish Country, in Pennsylvania. We did all sorts of activities from Dutch Wonderland, to a train museum, and then while driving from one place to another we saw this rainbow colored structure in the middle of the grass. We literally pulled the car over and walked to check it out. It turned out that it was an in-ground trampoline. Mattie had a great time jumping and running around! It was just happenstance that we found this activity, which maybe why it still has left a vivid impression in my mind. Sometimes the things that are NOT planned, are the most meaningful. 

Quote of the day: Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear which is inherent in the human situation. ~ Graham Greene

Yesterday I was chatting back and forth with my long time friend and colleague, Mary Ann. She was talking to me about this blog, for which she has been a loyal reader. I have been writing this blog, EVERY DAY, for the last 18 years. I started writing in July of 2008, when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. When he died, I thought I would just continue writing for the first year. But then something within me said... keep writing. I really wasn't sure why I kept on writing. First and foremost, I wanted to keep writing, to ensure that Mattie's memory was always fresh in my mind and to also make sure others heard about Mattie's life and story. I assure you, with grief and bereavement, details and memories do get fuzzy. Unless you nurture them, they fade! I wasn't going to let that happen!

But if I had to dig deeper, what other purpose does the blog serve?! The answer is the blog is my therapeutic outlet. A space where I can share feelings, emotions, and all sorts of pains. Pains that the majority of the world doesn't want to hear about, and wouldn't know what to do with, yet all these things are very real and overwhelming to me. If I am not careful, they can be all consuming. 

When the blog was created, I shared Mattie's journey with cancer, each and every day with friends and family. It saved me from communicating the story countless times a day to multiple people. Everyone just went to the blog. Thousands of readers daily! After Mattie died, the blog then focused on active grief, bereavement, and the aftermath of medical traumatic stress. I have taken blog readers on my vacations, holidays, and trips! The thing is NO MATTER where I go, the grief, trauma, and bereavement follow. They do not disappear, as they are not location specific, but specifically lie within my head. Now of course, in addition to working through the loss of Mattie, I am also dealing with my divorce. Mattie was in my life for 7 years, and I have been writing and writing. I was in a long term relationship for 35 years. So if you do the math...... I may NEVER stop writing. Writing puts feelings and raw emotions into WORDS. Words matter, and it turns out as I learned from a video Mary Ann sent me yesterday, that putting feelings into words impacts the brain.  

Today, I came across an article entitled, Putting Feelings into Words. Below is a snippet from the article that jumped out at me.............................

When people see a photograph of an angry or fearful face, they have increased activity in a region of the brain called the amygdala, which serves as an alarm to activate a cascade of biological systems to protect the body in times of danger. Scientists see a robust amygdala response even when they show such emotional photographs subliminally, so fast a person can’t even see them.

But does seeing an angry face and simply calling it an angry face change our brain response? The answer is yes. When you attach the word ‘angry,’ you see a decreased response in the amygdala. The study showed that while the amygdala was less active when an individual labeled the feeling, another region of the brain was more active: the right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex. This region is located behind the forehead and eyes and has been associated with thinking in words about emotional experiences. It has also been implicated in inhibiting behavior and processing emotions. 

In the same way you hit the brake when you’re driving when you see a yellow light, when you put feelings into words, you seem to be hitting the brakes on your emotional responses. As a result, an individual may feel less angry or less sad.

After reading this, it is clear that the blog has been my therapeutic tool for 18 years. I am also grateful to my loyal readers who are interested in my words, my journey, and continue to visit and check in on me. For that I am thankful and it is my hope that whatever I express may get you thinking or even give words to what you are feeling! Reminding you.... you too are NOT alone. 

Wednesday, June 17, 2026

Wednesday, June 17, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old. It was Memorial Day weekend and we took Mattie to Pennsylvania to visit Dutch Wonderland. Dutch Wonderland was a theme park geared to younger kids. As we drove to Pennsylvania, we stopped at a pretzel making factory. Mattie got to roll out dough and learned how to twist a pretzel. But outside they had this cute cow statute. Mattie knew I was a big black and white cow fan, so we took a photo along side it! Such a happy and innocent time. I look at this photo now, and it almost seems like this was someone else's life. 

Quote of the day: I'd marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead in a year. ~ Bette Davis

I came across this Bette Davis quote today! Somehow it made me laugh, and very little gets me laughing these days. Life is hard enough, but going through a mortgage assumption is worse than passing a kidney stone. It is sheer torture and like a kidney stone, you have absolutely NO CONTROL of the outcome. I feel like my life is on hold, that I am holding my breath on a daily basis, waiting for the next demand, request, or verdict. It is a horrid way of living, and something I will never ever forget. 

Like every morning, I got up early today. The world looks very different at 6:00am. Things are quieter and more peaceful. I walked outside in my pajamas and went to get my mom's paper at the end of the driveway. The air smelled fresh, the birds were singing, and truly it was in that moment of time, where I said to myself..... if I had to capture the notion of hope or hopeful, it would be right now. The world looks just a little better in those quiet times. But of course, then reality hits me, and I snap out of it fast! I am reminded.... I am alone, I was left behind, I am childless, I am managing the impossible, and I worry about finances constantly. Ironically, it is fortunate that I am a caregiver, because if I did not have that routine, I would be totally and completely lost. 

While awaiting the electrician today, I was looking at an email from my friend and colleague, Jean. Jean was messaging me about our professional counseling license in Washington, DC. Frankly if Jean did not message me, I would never have known that our licensure renewal process has completely changed. For years, renewals were every other even year. Now renewal is associated with your birthday. Perfect.... something else to confuse Vicki! Literally I panicked, because I thought that would mean I needed to supply 40 continuing education credits by this July, rather than December. This would have been a big problem for me, as I am only half way there. Given my existence, it is amazing that I have even one hour of continuing education on the books! Thankfully my renewal is next year! One blessing!

Bob, my electrician, came over today. I have several things that need to be fixed and replaced. However, Bob knows that I am cognizant of prices. So instead, I am buying these items on my own and will have Bob come back and install them. It is more cost effective this way, and I appreciate that he and my plumber look out for me. Remember, I text messaged Bob last Friday in a panic, when we had a blackout. Within 90 minutes, he had someone over my house, repairing the generator. I have a team of good guys! Bob even shared photos with me and my mom of his trip to Disneyworld with his grand daughter. Yes I even contacted Bob while he was at Disney and he responded! Bob reminded me today, that when we first moved into the house, he spent countless days and weeks with us. That was because the house needed to be rewired! It was a big job! Everything about this house has been a big job, and fortunately when we moved in, I took an interest, and made it my business to get to know every contractor and service provider. Otherwise, I would be up a creek. Having trusted and established providers before my divorce gives me great comfort now, because I know NO ONE is taking advantage of me. 

Tuesday, June 16, 2026

Tuesday, June 16, 2026 -- Mattie died 850 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006. Mattie was four years old and that weekend he and his preschool buddy, Zachary, attended the Day out with Thomas event in Pennsylvania. Mattie and Zachary were huge Thomas the Tank Engine fans! I absolutely love this photo! To me it showed two good friends walking side by side and with purpose.... as they were very excited to see the life sized Thomas train!

Quote of the day: Imagine spreading everything you care about on a blanket and then tossing the whole thing up in the air. The process of divorce is about loading that blanket, throwing it up, watching it all spin, and worrying what stuff will break when it lands. ~ Amy Poehler

I came across this quote tonight. I am not sure if the author of it was focused solely on the tangible items one can put on the so called blanket of divorce. But I would say the material items on the blanket being tossed up in the air are bad enough but it is the intangible items, that are far more painful to address. In fact, I would say that the emotional toll of a unexpected divorce are long standing and will forever be a part of me. 

Today was a total blur. I managed a visit with the nurse, who is still helping me manage my dad's pressure sores, and in between tasks, I reviewed grant applications for the Foundation. Perhaps it is my current state of affairs, but NONE of these grant proposals interested me. Fortunately I work with a professional team of researchers who also review these proposals objectively and then discuss their findings with me. There are times in life, that I truly need to be grateful for the help of other amazing women in my life.  

I went outside to water my plants today and the yellow "Father's Day lilies" are blooming. We bought these lilies decades ago, when we first moved to Washington, DC. So I am saying these flowers go back to 1994! When we moved in 2021, we took the lilies with us to the house! These lilies bloom every year around Father's Day. Which is how they got their unofficial name. At one time, these lilies were a tribute to Mattie's dad (when Mattie was a live). After Mattie died, they were still a memorial tribute to being a father, and now I look at these flowers and say to myself..... I have lost both of them! Seeing these lilies bloom is terribly upsetting, and it leaves me wondering how can the flowers remain but nothing else??

Monday, June 15, 2026

Monday, June 15, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006. Mattie was four years old! This was a typical weekend view! We would visit Roosevelt Island, which was minutes from our home. Mattie loved exploring the Island and we all enjoyed the boardwalk. It is a small piece of paradise, so close to the city, and yet filled with bird and wildlife traffic! 

Quote of the day: Doctoring her seemed to her as absurd as putting together the pieces of a broken vase. Her heart was broken. Why would they try to cure her with pills and powders? ~  Leo Tolstoy

This morning, after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I took my mom to the city for us to get haircuts and nails done. I take my mom to city about every six weeks. Prior to my divorce, I used to get my haircut, once a year! However, after my divorce I learned was this was not good for my hair, and that hair needs to be cut every three months. So now, I try to schedule this every three months. I am great at caring for my parents and not as good at looking after myself. 

While at the salon, I had the opportunity to chat with the stylist. Her grandson is sick and though others chat with this stylist, they had no idea what she was facing. However, I got to hear her story and what her family is facing. Why do I think people share their problems with me? I think people feel more comfortable sharing health crises and concerns with me because I know all about sadness, I know all about crisis, and I certainly know all about medical trauma. There isn't much you can tell me that will shake me, and because of my journey with Mattie, I have a deep understanding for the range of emotions that result from a life altering diagnosis. 

But the bottom line is the women in the salon view me as a strong woman. A woman who has survived child loss, a woman who is surviving the loss of her husband, and a woman who is managing the care of her parents. It is a ton of loss that travels with me daily. After the salon, I took my mom to Starbucks for tea before picking my dad up. When we walked into Starbucks, all the baristas and the manager told me how wonderful I looked. They knew right away that I got my hair cut, and seriously after all their comments, the rest of Starbucks knew too. It had me laughing!

When I got home, I went upstairs to my bedroom and recorded this two minute video. One of the researchers and clinicians I have worked closely with since 2011, is retiring. A link to upload videos was sent to me, and the request was that it had to be done this week. So I tried to compose myself and recorded this message! My hope is that Lori knows how much she has transformed my life and has helped to ensure Mattie's legacy through the Psychosocial Standards of Care. 

Sunday, June 14, 2026

Sunday, June 14, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2004. Mattie was two years old and that week we took him to Boston to visit his grandparents. Summers for us were spent doing trips to Boston and California, to reconnect with family. One of the things Mattie loved to do was interact with nature. So we went to the local pond, with bread in tow, to feed the geese and ducks!

Quote of the day: I don’t know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every other part of my body is broken too. ~ Terri Guillemets

I could hardly move this morning. I was that exhausted. But by 6:30am, Indie was screaming outside my bedroom door and when I wasn't moving, she then threw her whole body against the door. She will do that until I wake up! I certainly love animals, but I sure wish they understood sometimes that sleep needs to happen! Mind you Indie has access to dry food 24/7! But what she really wants is for me to be up!!! She is better than an alarm clock. 

It was one thing after the other today, and by 5pm, I needed a break from bathroom runs and demands. So I went outside in the heat and washed both cars. Though I am exhausted, I just can't rest by day. I have to be conscious and functioning to managing my parents and frankly there are too many chores around the house that need to be addressed. When I got back inside the house, the next crisis arose.... the cable froze. I love how my parents view me as the person who can solve and address all problems! Actually, NO I CAN'T....  but if I don't do it, no one else will. I am absolutely sick of being the point person for everything. I am not used to this, nor did I chose to live my life as a divorced woman. 

On an aside, I took my parents out to brunch today. The server, who I have known since 2021, visited with us. She was telling us about her daughter, who she hopes will get married soon, mainly because her daughter is getting older and her window to have children is closing. I listened to her story and empathized. But once she left, I was surprised by my inner dialogue which I shared with my mom. My inner dialogue basically said, why get married? This person will only leave you in the end! Certainly my story is not the average married woman's story, but I am that devastated that I no longer advocate for the union of marriage. I see no benefits in getting married, but can only list the financial burden of dissolving such a union. I can't tell you how costly the whole divorce process has been and unfortunately the hits keep coming with a mortgage assumption. I have no idea if I will even get approved for the assumption but what I do know is the closing fee is down right hysterical. It is hysterical because I will be paying a hefty fee to assume a mortgage on a house I ALREADY OWN! Something is very wrong with this system.

Saturday, June 13, 2026

Saturday, June 13, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2002. Mattie was two months old. As you can see we were having a peaceful moment outside on our deck. Truthfully back then I had no idea if I was coming or going. I was exhausted as Mattie rarely slept and I was recovering from abdominal surgery. Yet in comparison to my life now, I would welcome turning back the hands of time, and reliving this exact moment again and again!

Quote of the day: Just as it is impossible to explain childbirth to a woman who has never given birth, it is impossible to explain child loss to a person who has never lost a child. ~ Lynda Cheldlin Fell

I think I finally got to sleep at 2am. Friday was a nightmare of a day, with mortgage assumption paperwork and then losing power. We have a generator for a reason, but last night it wasn't working and just like with any crisis, I first panic. But I quickly can regulate from panic to action and thankfully I called my electrician. Yes I have his cell number and YES he actually answers whenever I call. It is thanks to Bob that our generator was up and operational by 9:30pm. Which is good because our neighborhood did not get power restored until 9:30am today! 

What I have learned is that without electricity, I have no cell phone service, I can't access email or the internet! Why? Because our neighborhood has poor cell reception and therefore I need wi-fi. I truly feel this is a safety concern, especially when caring for my parents. But what also was a rude awakening was I truly did not know where our flashlights were in the house. Yes I have one or two, but not enough to give off light. I never used to worry about this form of preparation because my other half excelled in this. So even a blackout can be an emotional experience for me, and what it drove home once again is how alone I am! I did round up flashlights and thankfully I have many oil candles! But I do not wish to relive such intense stress like last night again. That said, I am purchasing larger flashlights for the house and I think it is important to always have gasoline in one's car, because with a power outage, it is impossible to get gas. Given that I make many trips to the ER with my dad, I always have a pretty full tank of gas, because I never know when the next emergency will hit. This gives you some understanding for my internal dialogue. A dialogue that is always hyper alert, awaiting the next shoe to drop. Unfortunately in my case, it typically happens. 

This evening I made cookies. My new tradition is for every birthday, holiday, and event, I send my former in-laws cookies. I used to purchase them gifts of all kinds over the years, but now I think baking something from my kitchen and sending it to theirs is appreciated. It seems to perk up their days and I certainly know how I feel when I get a cookie. I made the classic chocolate chip and in my note I wrote.... a classic cookie for a classy dad!

Friday, June 12, 2026

Friday, June 12, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2003. Mattie was a year old. That weekend we took him to Great Falls Park. This Park has it all..... from wildlife to rapids and waterfalls. Though I tried to take a photo with Mattie, you can see that he wanted to get down and explore everything that caught his eyes!

Quote of the day: There comes a point where you no longer care if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel or not. You’re just sick of the tunnel. ~ Ranata Suzuki

All I can say is................DEAR GOD! I truly can't make up the kind of day I have had. It is 11:30pm, and I have had NO dinner and have been strung out for hours. The day was moving along as usual, until I got home with my dad at around 4pm. It was at that point I got an email and a phone call from my mortgage agent. Just when I think the round of questions and additional documentation will stop, or I will get a break from it, NO... MORE gets piled on me. Today's request was over the top, because it required documentation from my parents. Documentation I did not have. My typical mode of operation now is PANIC and ANXIETY. After I flip out, I then attack the problem. I am absolutely sick of problems and crises. It is wearing me out. 

While trying to compile documentation, we had a massive storm. The storm took out our power! Normally that wouldn't be a problem, as we have a generator. But the generator wasn't working. Without power, my mom was going crazy. As in my house, we have poor cellular service and we need Wi-Fi. Without Wi-Fi, nothing works. So I was dealing with my mom, who was walking around in circles, my dad was asking the same questions over and over, and I knew I needed a solution. As it is very hot out, I knew we couldn't stay overnight in the house without air and electricity. It was at that point, I reached out to my electrician. I couldn't text him, as I had no Wi-Fi, so I walked around outside until I got a bar of cellular service and I called Bob. He answered immediately and asked.... what's wrong! He was at home, with his granddaughter, but he could hear I was distraught. He called his company and he had them dispatch a generator specialist to the house. Thankfully Shaun showed up in 90 minutes and diagnosed the problem. I must have been so hysterical that he gave me a free battery replacement. As I told him, he is my generator angel! It is thanks to Shaun that the generator is working and we have lights and are operational.

But in the process of losing power, this impacted my alarm system. I spent the next two hours on chat with an agent doing a step by step process! Thanks to this wonderful person, I resolved that problem too! It is now 11:40pm, and my nerves are shot! It is a horrible way of living and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Just more tunnel!

Thursday, June 11, 2026

Thursday, June 11, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2002. Mattie was two months old. Giving birth to Mattie literally took me over 24 hours, and then I landed up having an emergency c-section. While having the c-section, a large (non-cancerous) tumor was found on my bladder. Therefore I needed surgery on that right after the c-section. Recovery from abdominal surgery was very challenging and in addition to that, I was facing postpartum depression. Not having family that lived locally, I did not have support with a newborn. So despite how I was feeling, I learned that I had to rise to meet the beauty and challenges of motherhood. As I always say, Mattie was my life's greatest teacher. 

Quote of the day: Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable.  ~ The Tinman, The Wizard of Oz

Given that I spoke to my mortgage agent a day ago, I figured I would get a break from him for the rest of the week! WRONG! Seriously when I see that 1-800 number calling me, it triggers instant panic. Today I was out at lunch with my parents. So in essence I was juggling a lot, and don't you know it, the agent called me. No matter what I am doing, if I see that number ring through on my phone, I immediately pick it up. 

Today's call was a total pip! He wanted immediate information! Information I couldn't give him because I was out! I was then told, I had to supply this information today, otherwise they would close my application! All I can say is ....... DEAR GOD! I then told him I would be home within an hour and would get it done. That was bad enough, until he told me some of the questions the bank has, meaning they don't believe that my parents actually live with me. I admit my situation is on the more unique side of the equation..... as not every adult child is the full-time caregiver for her parents. I literally wanted to invite him and the bank to my house, so they could see what a nightmare I live each day! 

I then told him that this whole application process is stressing me out. I can't help that I am divorced, nor can I help my financial situation. Of course the bank could care less! But I told him my current life situation is a product of great loss and trauma. He and the bank don't care, but I am very tired of being judged as the woman who doesn't work and I feel like they think I sit around all day eating bon bons! I should live so long. That is and was NEVER me. I have always worked hard at whatever I do, and though my bank account doesn't reflect that hard work, don't discredit my existence in such a demeaning manner. 

Any case, I got home, fully changed my dad, got my parents situated, and ran to my computer to manage all the requests. In addition to the incredible stress this mortgage assumption is adding to my life, it is also making my mom highly upset and anxious. So much so that this whole issue makes her shake like a leaf. It is criminal that at this stage of my parent's lives, they are made to feel this way. There is a great deal weighing on me and I will spare you my inner dialogue, venom, and disgust I have for the reason why I am in this position.