Saturday, January 24, 2026

Saturday, January 24, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Mattie was home between hospital treatments and a friend brought over this giant Scooby Doo balloon. Mattie was a huge Scooby fan, and we practically saw every episode and movie together. So needless to say the balloon was a big hit! I am not sure what we would have done without Team Mattie. As it took a lot of support to help him and us on practically a daily basis. At the time we had no family living in our area, and what I can attest to was Team Mattie rose to every challenge and went above and beyond for 14 months. As gifts and surprises on a daily basis were almost necessary to help pull Mattie out of his funk and change the tone in our home at any given moment. 

Quote of the day: We understand death only after it has placed its hands on someone we love. ~ Anne L. de Stael

It may have been Saturday, but today was a total blur. It is freezing out, my dad and I are still sick, so we went no where and now of course with the winter storm upon us, I will be going no where any time soon. Managing snow is hard on a good day, but I am not well, and I truly don't have the energy to shovel. Another issue on the long list of why living alone is not for me! My fevers come back at night, making it almost impossible to sleep. Whatever this bug is that I caught from my dad is horrific. I have no interest in eating and whatever I eat, makes me sick to my stomach. 

In addition to dealing with gastro issues, my dad is STILL hiccupping. He developed the hiccups in the hospital and no matter what I give him, I can't seem to stop them. Also eating seems to trigger vomiting for him, as I learned today while serving lunch. 

I have been working all day on Foundation items and though I wasn't up to it, I also know if I don't do it, it won't get done. I do everything alone now, including managing the Foundation. I am grateful that we have loyal friends and supporters, who stand behind my mission whether I am married or divorced. I am signing off for tonight because I have to dial it back before I make myself sicker than I already feel. 

Friday, January 23, 2026

Friday, January 23, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Mattie was home between hospital visits and our neighbor and his Jack Russell Terrier, JJ, came for a visit. Mattie and JJ practically grew up together and they were good buddies. However, once Mattie had his limb salvaging surgeries he was a little more hesitant to be around JJ. I think Mattie was scared that JJ would jump on him and injure him in some way. Nonetheless, with JJ on a lease, this helped to make this furry visit possible!

Quote of the day: No matter how much falls on us, we keep plowing ahead. That's the only way to keep the roads clear. ~ Greg Kincaid

Last night while cooking dinner, a wave of nausea came over me. It was so bad that even my migraine meds weren't helping. I stopped cooking and went upstairs to my bed to try to reset. However, it wasn't working. I was unable to cook, serve, and deal with dinner last night. Fortunately my parents had a good lunch that day. It took all the energy I had to get my dad up the stairs and in bed. My mom however, did not want to go to bed, so I left her downstairs in the family room with the TV on. 

By 11pm, I jumped out of bed because I knew what was coming. I spent the night vomiting profusely. It was very debilitating. In the midst of facing this, my mom had the TV blaring at 1am. So I went downstairs, and she was up on her phone. I told her she had to go to bed and I helped her upstairs. As soon as I finished helping her I vomited again. 

After a very restless and upsetting night of no sleep, I got myself up at 8:30am. I went into my parents room. My mom was already up and clueless to what was going on with my dad. I could smell something was wrong even before getting in the room. But what I saw was an absolute nightmare. My dad had an explosive bout of diarrhea. I honestly have never seen such horrors.... as it was puddled on the floor, under the bed, all over the bed rail, on the mattress box spring, all over the sheets and mattress protectors and the pillows, and of course my dad was a mess. How my mom couldn't see this is beyond my comprehension. Keep in mind that I am still nauseous from last night, so this morning's sight practically did me in. My mom can't manage it, she is very squeamish, so I had to address it all. It took me two hours to clean everything. I stripped the bed completely, cleaned everything with either white vinegar or Clorox clean up and then got my dad back into bed because I wasn't ready for him yet. 

When I returned back upstairs to shower my dad, we faced another bout of diarrhea. I now have him on Imodium and I believe these gastro issues are a two pronged problem... partly the infection he has and a side effect of taking strong antibiotics for aspiration pneumonia. I have been cleaning and dealing with laundry all day. It was so bad that I had the windows upstairs open and fans going in their room all day. I successfully managed and contained the problem. 

I so wanted to go lie down today, but that wasn't in the cards for me. My mom's car has been at the garage getting service for three weeks now. Today, they completed the work and wanted me to pick up the car before the snow storm. So I found the inner strength to take the rental car back and retrieved my mom's car. Tonight, I have to figure out dinner. Food isn't going down for me and I am not hungry, yet my parents need to eat. I can just about manage dry cereal. 

The positive news is my dad's fever seems to have broken and his hiccups are getting better. Yet the hiccups haven't gone away completely, so this is always a concern. I am signing off for today and hope that tomorrow is a better day. 

Thursday, January 22, 2026

Thursday, January 22, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2008. Honestly when I look at this photo it is hard to believe that Mattie was diagnosed with cancer six months later. How on earth is that possible? That weekend, we took Mattie on an outdoor adventure. We always explored a park or a trail because Mattie loved nature, and in turn, I grew to love it too. However, if you were to ask me where this photo was taken... I can tell you I HAVE NO IDEA. I am geographically challenged which wasn't a problem when my other half was around. As we balanced each other out, with different skills sets. So unfortunately some aspects of my memories have died with my divorce.

Quote of the day: Because that’s what kindness is. It’s not doing something for someone else because they can’t, but because you can. ~ Andrew Iskander

Wednesday was challenging, but today was no better. I took my dad to the emergency room with my mom in tow on yesterday. We got to the ER at around 4:30pm. Before going back to a room, they did a whole battery of tests, but since they couldn't start an IV (has he has Jumpy or "rolling" veins which makes starting an IV challenging because the veins shift under the needle), it was impossible to get blood test results. It seemed like we were in the waiting area a long time. Because it is an open space where there is NO privacy, you unfortunately get to hear the issues and problems of other patients. 

I do not think I will ever forget the family who walked into the ER doors last night. It was a couple with an young adult daughter. At first I wasn't sure what I was witnessing as the mother was hysterical, yelling at the ER staff, and making demands. Her husband was behind her, trying to calm her down, and her daughter was managing all the paperwork. It became very evident to me that this woman was having a mental health crisis, which was heart breaking to watch, but what I observed last night was the best of humanity. Starting with this woman's husband. Though this woman was paranoid, she clearly trusted her husband. He was calm, compassionate, but also had fantastic strategies to help redirect his wife so that she would comply with the medical personnel. He never raised his voice, he never lost it, and it was clear he frequented the hospital because the ER security recognized him. Watching this man's care and concern for his wife was simply beautiful. That is what true love is about, it isn't about walking away when things get difficult and I assure you what I observed him coping with was difficult times ten. 

Though we were in the ER from 4:30pm to 1am, I would say that we had the A team at work. Every single person we encountered was kind, professional, and helpful. Starting with the ER doctor to all of my dad's nurses and techs. An ER is a hard environment and sometimes it is a scary place to be, but these professionals confirm what I strongly believe in and that is listening to the patient and family and embracing them as part of the treatment team makes the quality of care go up exponentially. In fact, when I went back to the CT scanning area with my dad, the transporter said to me..... now you are going to see all sorts of things in the ER and some of it maybe upsetting. He was trying to normalize a very abnormal environment. I thought that was so thoughtful and kind. I listened and did not share my years of hospital experience.... not as a healthcare professional but as a caregiver.... the lived experience! But truly what this tech did with me, should be done for all patient families, because it humanized a very overwhelming place and experience. 

Last night, the ER doctor ran every test possible on my dad. My dad had a head ct scan, an abdominal ct scan, a chest x-ray, blood work, and a urine analysis. Every test revealed nothing new. Keep in mind my dad was admitted to the hospital in December, so there are many issues we are tracking from scan to scan such as kidney stones, gallstones, heart issues, and a brain bleed. The only thing that was evident was that my dad has an infection, but they had no idea where the infection was coming from and therefore there was not enough data to admit him. How the ER doctor delivered this news was perfect and he understood my perspective... if you aren't admitting him, then I want him discharged as soon as possible. 

What I need to mention is while in the hospital my dad developed hiccups! When my dad gets hiccups, it is not like you or me, where they go away in a few minutes. NOPE. When my dad gets hiccups, they are intractable and can last for weeks! Hiccups are terribly debilitating and the ER doctor tried anti-nausea meds in hopes of knocking out the hiccups. In the past, my dad got hiccups from a bad reaction to eating shellfish or after having a CT scan with IV contrast. But yesterday neither one of these issues occurred. The physician indicated that vomiting can trigger hiccups.... delightful. 

So at 1am, I got my parents back into the car and drove home. My dad was exhausted, hiccupping, and complaining of back pain from being transferred onto scanning tables. This happens with every admission. Therefore, I may have brought my dad in with one set of symptoms, but by the time I got home, I was dealing with the original symptoms plus the NEW symptoms acquired at the hospital. 

This morning, when I got my dad out of bed, I could feel he had a bad fever.... 101. I let his primary care doctor know and that ensued hours of chats back and forth today. The doctor believes that my dad has aspiration pneumonia, which in a lung infection that occurs after vomiting and foreign material gets into the lungs. My dad's doctor wanted me to take him right back to the ER. I did not think that was in my dad's best interest to be in the hospital for another 8 hours. Mainly because what else were they going to find today, that wasn't present last night? The doctor agreed with me, but both of us are concerned with the horrible storm coming on Sunday, that my dad's situation could take a turn for the worse. In any case, my dad was started on antibiotics today (two trips to the pharmacy later!!) and his doctor prescribed 10mg of Baclofen, upon my request. Baclofen is a muscle relaxant and highly effective for intractable hiccups. How do I know this?

I learned about Baclofen out of desperation in 2020. Back then, my dad was hospitalized with urinary sepsis. In the process, he was given a CT scan with IV contrast, despite the fact that he has a known allergy to contrast. Right after the scan, my dad developed hiccups that lasted three weeks straight. The medical team had my dad on Thorazine for two weeks. Keep in mind that my dad was recovering from sepsis, had Alzheimer's and in the height of COVID none of us could go into the hospital to reorient him. So for two weeks, my dad was completely knocked out and losing cognitive ground. I literally got a hold of his doctor and gave it to him. He's the medical doctor and should know better. So he challenged me to find a better medication to give my dad! I pushed back and said I am not the medical doctor, you are! But I decided to take on that challenge and started reading peer-reviewed papers about intractable hiccups. What kept popping up was the drug, Baclofen. So I demanded it and in 2020, with the first dose of Baclofen that was administered, the hiccups STOPPED. I am hoping that Baclofen does the job now, because I do not know what I am juggling first...... gastro issues, fever, muscular pain, or hiccups!    

Wednesday, January 21, 2026

I am writing this posting from the emergency room. My dad has been dealing with diarrhea and vomiting for two days. This morning was a total nightmare, as he went in bed, in the shower and all over himself and the floor. It has been non stop clean up. This afternoon we added confusion to the mix and I whisked him to the ER. 

My area is headed for almost two feet of snow on Sunday, and given that my dad is recovering from a brain bleed (December’s admission) and heart disease, I couldn’t take any chances. I am in a total panic about the snow as I manage so much alone, I now have to worry about digging out, my parents’ health, stocking up food and supplies. It is so hard being the only intact adult on duty and of course that makes me sad and mad at the same time. 

My dad has had a ct of the head and abdomen, a chest X-ray, blood work and an EKG. Most of his imaging looks fine but I can see they are focused on his heart. So here I wait at 9:30pm waiting for next steps! 

Tuesday, January 20, 2026

Tuesday, January 20, 2026 --- Mattie died 829 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. That day, my parents and I took Mattie out to lunch. We went to one of his favorite restaurants. This restaurant had an overhead train track and miniature train that went around the restaurant. Mattie LOVED looking for the train and of course whatever caught Mattie's attention and whatever he loved.... I loved too! 

Quote of the day: Whenever I miss you, I look at my heart. Because it’s the only place I can find you. ~ Unknown

On January 20th, I always post a tribute to my maternal grandmother. She died on January 20, 1994, at the age of 86. My grandmother lost her husband to colon cancer (when she was in her 50's) before I was born. By the time I came along, my grandmother was already living with my parents. So to me a multi-generational household was normal. 

This wedding photo was taken by a professional photographer. The story I was told as a child was that the photographer loved this photo so much that he used it to market his services. The photographer made a life size cut out of it and displayed it in his studio!

Facts about my grandma:

• She was born in 1907, in New York. 
• Both of her parents were born in Italy. 
• She was the oldest of five siblings. 
• She married at the age of 16. Her husband was born in Italy and was a contractor for commercial and residential properties. 
• She had three children. Her middle child died (Sudden Infant Death). 
• Though she did not work outside the home, she had numerous skills. Cooking being at the top of the list. 
• She was a born caregiver and cared for everyone in her family. 
• She sponsored many family members to come to America and is in essence responsible for their successes and improved quality of life. 
• She was a kind, gentle, caring, and loving person. With a very easy-going personality. 
• She had two grand-daughters, but she and I shared a very close bond. As I was known to call her "mom."
• Her favorite color was green. 
• She introduced me to Days of Our Lives at an early age. 
• She played the piano by ear. 
• She wasn't a fan of chocolate (not unlike Mattie).
• She wasn't squeamish. She could handle everything from mice to seeing blood. 
• She did not know how to drive. 
• She loved to read and was well informed about all current events. 
• She was a Bob Hope and Bing Crosby fan. As a result, I have seen all the Road to.... movies. 
• She loved lily of the valley flowers. 
• She suffered a massive stroke in 1990, which left her physically disabled. She died 4 years later.  

I will never forget the day my grandmother died. She and my parents were in California and I was living in Boston, Massachusetts attending a Master's in Science program. That morning before I woke up, I had a dream. In the dream, I was with my grandmother. We were chatting and she reached over to give me a dozen roses. In the dream, I reached over to accept the roses, but as soon as I touched them, the petals fell off and they immediately died in my arms. Minutes after this happened, I was awakened to my my home phone ringing and it was my mom on the other end of the phone letting me know that my grandmother died. However, even before my mom said something I knew my grandmother died. The roses were her way of communicating with me. 

There are many things about illness, death, and grief that I do not understand. Meaning there are NO logical explanations to some of the signs and feelings that we can experience. Yet from my losses, I have come to accept and appreciate these unexplainable happenings and signs. To this day, I still look for signs in nature and some how they just present themselves when I least expect them.

Monday, January 19, 2026

Monday, January 19, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Mattie's grandmother sent him this foam puzzle of the world map. Mattie had a wonderful time assembling it and then decided to lie on top of it. I literally snapped this photo and labelled it..... "Mattie sits on top of the world!" I will never forget that moment in time.

Quote of the day: Poets use countless words to describe their pain, but I only need three: I miss you. ~ Caroline George

Though today may have been a national holiday, it was business as usual for me. I got up at 6:15am, because my mom had a physical therapy session this morning. Truly if someone would have told me four years ago that I would be a morning person and that I was going to get divorced, I would have laughed. Yet here I am. The one thing I love about holidays is..... there is NO MAIL! If you have been following along on this blog, then you know going to the mailbox stresses me out. I get stressed out with surprise bills and other communications!

I took my parents out mid-day for frozen yogurt. It may be cold out, but this is a good outing for my parents. Keep in mind that have battery powered heated jackets and I have blankets for each of them even when they are inside the store. So truly the cold is tolerable for them. Unfortunately as my dad continues to decline, he is fully incontinent, and I am literally changing him every two hours. He is no longer aware of his is bodily functions and given that his skin easily breaks down, it is a constant battle that I face daily. 

In the middle of juggling things today, I committed to push myself to work on continuing education courses to renew my mental health license in December of 2026. By December, I will need 40 hours of continuing education. Hopefully by the end of this week, I will be at 20 hours! Naturally given all that I am facing, it would be understandable if I let my license lapse. But I remind myself I worked TOO hard to obtain the license and I will never know in the future if I need a license to work or be more marketable. Rather ironic at my age that I have to worry about my financial future and security, as I never focused on this while I was married. Given that big mistake, and trusting that someone else was looking out for my best interest, I now tell any young woman that I have the opportunity to talk with that they MUST open a bank account solely in their name and only they should have access to it. At the end of the day, the only person who is going to look out for your best interest, is yourself. I assure you this philosophy is counterintuitive to me because I always valued the trust and sanctity of marriage. 

We are the product of our experiences, losses and traumas, and if I can help other women avoid the situation that I face now, I do it. At the end of the day, no matter what has happened in my life, I thrive on caring and looking out for others. That quality can not be destroyed regardless of what life has thrown at me. It is a core value, that guides how I live my life, and I am proud of this fact!

Sunday, January 18, 2026

Sunday, January 18, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. I will never forget this moment in time! That day, Mattie had a bone scan. Bone scans for Mattie were usually two hours long. Prepping for the scan was difficult, as Mattie had to fast from eating or drinking anything. In addition, once on the scanner, he had to sit very still. The deal that day was if Mattie complied with the tech, we would take him to the restaurant on campus and sit at a Teppanyaki table (a Japanese style of dining where a chef cooks for you at your table featuring flat-top griddles and often a theatrical chef performances with sizzling food, flames, and tricks). While Mattie was undergoing chemotherapy, he developed a love for shrimp. So the chef grilled shrimp for Mattie and then played a game with us... he wanted to see if Mattie or I could catch a cooked shrimp in our mouths if he tossed it at us. Mattie thought this game was hysterical!

Quote of the day: The dead are immune from our prison of Time. The distance between the living and dead may be vast, but the space of Time the dead experience when they are reunited with their loved ones is only paper-thin. ~ Suzy Kassem

I took my parents out for lunch today. We go out every Saturday and Sunday, otherwise, the weekends are truly very challenging couped up at home alone. Though we typically go to the same restaurant every Sunday, we went to a different restaurant today that was closer to home. The staff at this restaurant have gotten to know us and when I tell you they come running to help me carry bags and seat cushions I am not kidding. In fact, one of the managers today gave me his cell phone number. He told me he isn't married and is off on Mondays and Tuesdays, and would be happy to help me with my parents any time. He also mentioned he wanted to just help and wasn't looking to be paid. It was a very kind gesture and honestly the person that I am.... I would like to trust people at face value. But guess what? Since my divorce, I now view everyone as having an ulterior motive, a hidden agenda, and therefore, there would be NO WAY ON EARTH I would ever contact, connect, or get close to someone I deemed a stranger. If my judgment could be SO OFF after a 35 year relationship, then anything is possible. I can be fooled once, but I will never put myself in such a position to be fooled again. 

While we were eating, there was a group of four men eating nearby. They were older gentlemen and clearly coupled off. One was wearing a hat and thick rimmed glasses. Sounds odd maybe, but it worked for him. Here's the funny part of all of this, we noticed him and he noticed us. He came over to talk to me and my mom twice. He told us he is 80 years old and he wanted to greet us because he admires "beautiful women." Seriously it was an afternoon that just made me want to laugh. Well laugh on one hand and then be angry on the other. There are moments during my day when the reality of my single life hits me. When this feeling washes over me, it is all consuming and I literally can feel that I need to walk around or scream. In the middle of lunch, neither were an option, so I had to keep it together. But seeing couples dining together, talking, and doing what I deem normal things, leaves me wondering...... why don't I have this? It is hard to go from being a couple since I was 19 years old, where we shared everything together, and even survived childhood cancer and great loss, to this. Each day, I wake up and wonder.... is today the day I will find out that all of this was a joke or a bad dream? Don't worry, I haven't lost touch with reality, as I know that day will never come.