Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Mattie was home from the hospital between treatments and playing in his bedroom. Despite not having the strength to walk much, that day he found a way to stand up, and decided to get dressed up like a knight. Mattie's cousins sent him the knight gear, and he always enjoyed playing with it. When Mattie was a knight, I was usually the person in the play scheme who felt the blow of Mattie's sword! As I look at tonight's picture, I can actually see components of Mattie's room. I can see his book shelves and computer (which he rarely used, since electronic things did not fascinate him as much as building and creating). The sad part is I can't see any of these things now in Mattie's room. All I see is bins and boxes, piled up and blocking off the things I once saw. It is as if someone has moved into his room and yet as forgotten to unpack. The sad part of course is the boxes are the remaining pieces of our lives with Mattie, which make them very difficult to touch.
Quote of the day: In time we can accept a great loss if we have somebody loving us through it. God sends friends and companions to love and support us. ~ Robert Schuller
Based on the difficult way I ended my day yesterday, that mood continued to follow me through the morning. Fortunately between Peter and Ann, I found a way to pull myself out of how I was feeling and I began my day by working on a handout of materials to bring to Georgetown Hospital on Tuesday. I had started this document earlier in the week, but needed to complete this task today. As tonight's quote accurately reflects, there is NO possible way I could cope with such a devastating loss without the love and support of people in my life. It makes a big difference on down days to hear from those I am close to that my presence is important, that what I feel and think matters to them, and most of all that they understand why I am upset, sad, or down.
I met up with Ann this afternoon, and we went for a walk in her neighborhood. We managed to walk 2.6 miles! It was a cool and overcast day, and despite that, I walked. This is a major change for me, because even a week ago, I would have looked outside and most likely would have thought there is no way I feel up to walking, and instead would have remained sedentary. I do find that walking does impact how I feel about myself energy wise and it does wonders for me emotionally. So for now, I am walking!
After our walk, Ann's daughter, Katie showed me her new dress that she will be wearing to an upcoming party. She wanted my two cents on it, and it was easy to give it to her since it is one of my favorite colors. The irony about Katie, who is now 12 years old, is in just one year's time, I have seen her be transformed from a young girl into a teen right before my eyes. It is almost hard to believe this metamorphosis, but it is special that I can see this through Ann's children. Since naturally this is not a joy I will be seeing for myself with Mattie.
Tonight Peter and I decided to cook dinner together using a recipe from one of our cookbooks. The recipe was a different twist to an alfredo sauce. It smelled good cooking, but eating it was a different story. We had more fun laughing about the consumption of this sauce, then we did making the meal. As we head into this week, I realize I have a lot to accomplish since I am heading to California to visit my parents for two weeks on Saturday, October 9. Just setting up the blog for my two week departure will take some time this week, but it is my hope to share my adventures with you as we go to the Grand Canyon for the first week and then I head to Los Angeles during the second week.
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