Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old. This was classic Mattie. He put on my shoes and minutes later was walking around the first floor. Clipping and clopping away! Mattie added a whole new dimension to my life and truthfully that is the beauty of being around children. Life with Mattie was always an adventure, and even the mundane was special. He had a joy for life and was naturally inquisitive. To some extent it was like Mattie knew that he had to make the most out of each day, week, month, and year, because nothing was guaranteed.
Quote of the day: The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly. ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
In my house there is always the unexpected. While I was making breakfast, I heard all sorts of noise. Literally it felt like the house was shaking. If I was in California, I would have thought it was an earthquake. I truly did not know what was going on! So I naturally went and looked out the windows. I finally found the issue! I saw a tall ladder up against the side of my house and also saw our landscaping company's truck in front of the house. What was happening? They were cleaning leaves and debris off the roof and gutters. I literally tried to do some of this work in the Fall myself and quickly realized.... NOPE this isn't a smart plan. The roof line is too high up and I can't possibly do this work without injuring myself. So when I have issues on the outside of my house, I call my landscaper. Typically the company doesn't do roof and gutter cleaning for customers, but they arranged to do it for me. I was very grateful because the last thing I need is a roof problem. I was so impressed with the work they did today and after blowing everything off the roof, they picked up everything that fell to the ground. I am not sure where I would be without the help of a short list of professionals that I have assembled to maintain the house. I am grateful for all acts of kindness.
After dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I went grocery shopping. Somehow I convinced myself that I had to go shopping today, because tomorrow I thought I had a virtual doctor appointment. Turns out I was WRONG. My appointment was today, and I was meant to go grocery shopping on Friday. Literally when the hospital called me to tell me I missed my appointment, I was thoroughly confused. I have to admit that when I missed this appointment, I got very upset with myself! I naturally thought..... I was losing my memory too! But then my realistic and rational side took over.
I balance a thousand things ON MY OWN, in any given day. I am responsible for two people constantly. Which means everything from hygiene, cleaning, cooking, and managing appointments. I would never miss one of my parent's appointments, but mine are NOT as important to me. Any case, I wrote to my doctor's nurse and apologized. I told her about all that I am juggling, and she wrote back immediately, saying she understood and to take care of myself. The appointment is rescheduled and I have to put this snafu in the back of my mind. I have no one looking out for me anymore, therefore, the only one managing me is ME. Mind you the appointment was on my calendar, but I somehow did not pay attention to the reminders.
What this illustrated to me today was that I am overwhelmed and on top of being overwhelmed I truly have very little regard for myself. I view this as a by-product of my life experiences. Each day I wake up and then go to bed with the same feeling of disbelief, disillusionment, and sadness. The life and future I thought I was going to have was erased, and some days I can see glimmers of hope and other days nothing. In a down moment today, I looked out the window and what popped up..... a beautiful red cardinal. A Mattie sign, a reminder that he is always with me.
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