Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old. That day it snowed! Guess who wanted to go out and in it? Mattie loved being outside, it did not matter the weather! Mattie was fascinated by the snow and though I wasn't an outdoor kind of girl, I rose to the occasion with Mattie. Whatever interested Mattie, became my interests! To this day, I too prefer being outside. It is very freeing to be surrounded by nature, and if I did not have Mattie, I am not sure I would have ever learned this important lesson.
Quote of the day: No one ever told me how sorrow traumatizes your heart, making you think it will never beat exactly the same way again. No one ever told me how grief feels like a wet sock in my mouth. One I’m forced to breathe through, thinking that with each breath I’ll come up short and suffocate. ~ Sarah Noffke
This morning we had a visit from a nurse. She was coming to evaluate my mom for a needs assessment. We never met this nurse before but she prepared me that the visit was going to be around 90 minutes long. The nurse required a listing of my mom's medications and a list of her doctor's addresses and phone numbers. Believe it of not, my mom see about 10 different doctors on a regular basis.
When the nurse arrived, she immediately reminded me of a friend of mine from graduate school. Turns out the nurse is Italian and therefore, all three of us started swapping stories. The nurse assessed everything, including my mom's memory. This is an issue I no long address with my mom. There are some things as a caregiver that you learn to pick your battles. I know what I know, and there is a fine line of knowing something versus trying to share the reality, which can cause frustration and embarrassment. My mom and dad, prior to dementia, were both sharp, intelligent, and gifted people. I remind myself often that they are still these things, but that their memories have been impacted. In any case, through today's assessment, my mom told the the nurse that it was April. She did not know her address, and was confused about other facts related to her medical history.
We discussed physical issues my mom is facing and then she watched my mom walk and do other activities of daily living. What I do know is without my presence, there is no way either of my parents would be able to live independently. Which of course is a humbling reality for me..... as I face a future without my husband and my son.
Any case, we survived the assessment. As soon as the nurse left, my dad's first question was.... what is for lunch?! Got to love him. Later on today, I decided to go to the basement. We have a TV there, which is not connected to the cable. I am sure there is probably a way to access the cable account remotely (maybe I have to download an app), who knows. But the TV has an Amazon Fire Stick. So I started playing around with it, and was able to connect to my Amazon account. Why did I want that to happen? Because I decided, I want to use the treadmill and elliptical machines in the basement. When we moved into the house we bought used machines. Since I rarely can leave the house and walk, nor do I really want to without Sunny, I decided to come up with Plan B. I am trying to do ONE thing for myself. Today was the first step to do something for my health and well-being.
I was on the machines for 40 minutes and started watching a Hallmark movie. For me, Hallmark movies are my therapy. There is NO sadness and unhappy endings in a Hallmark movie. Which at this point is my speed and as much as I can emotionally handle. I am hoping that I can start a routine in the basement that will be beneficial for myself. Time will tell.
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