Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2003. Mattie was 10 months old! He was sitting in his tot wheels and was zooming around the first floor. It always amazed me how Mattie could steer this big plastic thing around furniture and doorways and not crash into things! Take a guess at who Mattie was looking at? YES ME! Mattie kept track of me and I kept track of him! We were on the same wavelength, we had a strong connection, and we were very much alike.
Quote of the day: Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin. ~ Danielle Bernock
I have been writing this blog since July of 2008. That is 17 years of writing daily! Throughout Mattie's cancer diagnosis, death, and on my grief journey I have yet to miss ONE NIGHT. Even when I went on vacation or was on a ship, my computer came with me always! That is because the blog is important to me. The blog serves many purposes.....
- It keeps Mattie's life, his antics, words, and activities alive and fresh in my mind.
- It is my written memory of our life together. Time can be cruel to one's memory, which is why writing enables me to mother Mattie's memory. It is a daily nurturing, so that I WILL NOT forget the intricacies of my son.
- It introduces people who do not know Mattie to my incredible son.
- It is an outlet for me to express my thoughts and feelings.
However, since my divorce, writing is much more complicated and difficult. As I can not freely talk about the issues that plague me daily. There are some nights I get to the computer and I have SO MANY things I want to say, and yet can't. Tonight is one of those nights. Which is why I turn to these three videos of Mattie.
I tend NOT to post videos or even watch them. There is something very raw about seeing a video of Mattie, rather than a photo. Perhaps it is because I can hear Mattie and see him move, which makes the reality of his loss far more profound. Video or no video, I can still hear Mattie's voice in my head. I haven't forgotten what he sounds like! Which is a blessing.
This was a video I took in the hospital around Mattie's birthday (April 4, 2009). Mattie's school counselor gave him this adorable card and I can't tell you how many times we opened it and listened to it during that hospital stay!
I took this video in December of 2007. Mattie was in kindergarten and that day, his school was having a Holiday event. Each of the grades performed in a choir concert for their families. Mattie had to memorize this song and I took a video of him that morning before taking him to school. The Holiday event was special and the children were required to wear more formal attire. That may not sound like a problem, but for me, it was like a crisis. A week before the event, I was scrambling to buy Mattie a jacket, dress shirt, dress shoes and a tie. Why? Because Mattie had sensory issues and truly did not like clothes that restricted his movement. So I was very worried that whatever I bought, he was going to hate. Needless to say, for the time period that Mattie kept the tie and jacket on, he looked adorable!
Mattie wanted to learn to the play the piano. He gravitated to music. That day, while home between cancer treatments, he hobbled over to the piano and started to compose his own piece! This piano was given to us by my neighbor. When she moved, she did not have the space to take the piano. Instead, she gifted it to us with the hopes that Mattie would learn to play! To this day, I still have the piano! I just can't part with it.
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