Thursday, January 10, 2013

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2008. Peter and I took Mattie to Leesylvania State Park in Virginia. We spent many weekends together venturing from one nature trail to another. If you look closely, you will see that Mattie was holding a huge stick. Mattie loved his collections, and we had quite a stick collection at one time in our commons space. I am not sure who appreciated that stick pile more.... Mattie or our resident Jack Russell Terrier, JJ. Mattie and JJ basically grew up together and they got along splendidly. It was like having a dog in our lives without having all the responsibility for his care.


Quote of the day: There are few things in life more heartwarming than to be welcomed by a cat. ~ Tay Hohoff


Patches continues to hold her own. Thankfully! She is on pain medication but is still responsive to us, walks around occasionally, and is eating some. So we are appreciative of this time together and I am glad I followed my instinct that she wasn't ready to be put to sleep.

This afternoon I met up with my friend and first college roommate, Leslie. I was Leslie's maid of honor at her wedding and we have kept connected over the years. It is not unusual for people to lose track of each other over time, but that did not happen with us. Leslie and I were close to so many people in college, we had common friends, and yet over the years, one by one many of them drifted away.

Leslie and I chatted for hours, about all sorts of things, and I ate up a storm. Some days I have an appetite and other days I don't. But without feeling pressured for time, we simply escaped in conversation. Leslie's daughter is 12, and Faye has been involved in a community service learning project with Mattie Miracle as her Bat Mitzvah project. Peter and I are honored that Faye chose to work with us. In November, we met up with Leslie and Faye in Maryland. Faye collected LOTS of candy for our Candy Drive for the Hospital. She not only collected it, but also sorted it for me. Today Leslie and I were reflecting on that November meeting. That day while we were transferring candy and chatting, we noticed a penny on the ground. I pointed it out to Peter, who picked it up in honor of Mattie. As my faithful readers know, Mattie began collecting pennies when my parents introduced him to the "penny fairy." I truly believe Mattie thought there was a real penny fairy who followed him around and left pennies for him. Now with Mattie gone from our world, pennies bring a smile to our faces. Whenever Peter and I find a penny, we think about Mattie and we would like to think that this is Mattie's way of sending us a sign.

Anycase, Leslie asked me today whether I heard the penny fall on the ground that day. She did not mention it to me at the time, but this whole penny scenario stuck with her. She distinctly remembers hearing a clink, as if the penny fell from someplace. But we were outside, there was NO place for it to fall from. It is odd, because when I got out of the car, the penny wasn't on the ground, but by the time we transferred the candy, there it was. As if Mattie was overseeing the process and dropped a penny in our wake. Naturally from a pure logical standpoint I could say we must have missed seeing this penny at first and it probably was there in front of us the whole time. But after the loss of Mattie, I am open to other possibilities. Or at least I am accepting of them because it helps me feel connected to Mattie in some way. Either case, I appreciated Leslie's story and reflection a great deal. Leslie is a former biology teacher, a scientist who approaches the world rationally. But she had no explanation for the penny, other than we may have been in the presence of Mattie! I am sticking with that version!

My friend Charlie sent me the five myths below today about grief, which I VERY much appreciated. There are three things about grief that drive me crazy! When someone implies I have to "get over it," that there is a time limit to grief, and that with time grief disappears. ALL MYTHS! I know this but nonetheless it is still very hurtful when people treat me like I have a problem, rather than understanding the complexities and lasting impact of the loss of a child.   

How to Grieve: 5 Myths That Hurt

By Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com senior editor

Grief is a natural response to loss, and it can unfold in many ways. Unfortunately, well-intentioned onlookers -- dubbed "grief police" by grief expert Robert Neimeyer, professor of psychology at the University of Memphis -- often say things that mistakenly imply to the bereaved that there's a "right" way to grieve.

 

Consider these all-too-common grief myths:

 

Myth #1: It's possible to cry too much.

Everyone grieves differently. There's no single correct way to express the pain, sorrow, yearning, and other aspects of the transition of adjusting to the death of a loved one. Intense responses are sometimes seen as "losing control," when in fact they're simply how that person is actively (and productively) processing the loss.

 

Myth #2: If you don't cry now, it'll be worse later.

Some people never cry. Tears or outward expressions of anguish simply aren't everyone's grieving style, says psychologist Neimeyer. This doesn't mean they're grieving less intensely than a visibly shaken individual, or that they loved the person who died any less. Nor does a lack of obvious emotion mean the griever has an emotional block or problem or will face a longer, more difficult adjustment to the loss.

 

Myth #3: Grief is something you "get over."

Most people never stop grieving a death; they learn to live with it. Grief is a response, not a straight line with an endpoint. Many psychologists bristle at words such as "acceptance" or "resolution" or "healed" as a final stage of grief. The real stages of grief involve tasks of processing and adjustment that one returns to all through life.

 

Myth #4: Time heals slowly but steadily.

Time is the commodity through which a grieving person sorts through the effects and meaning of a loss. But that process isn't a steady fade-out, like a photograph left in the sun. Grief is a chaotic roller coaster -- a mix of ups, downs, steady straight lines, and the occasional slam. Periods of intense sadness and pain can flare and fade for years or decades.

 

Myth #5: Grieving should end after a set amount of time.

Ignore oft-quoted rules of thumb that purport to predict how long certain types of grief should last. A downside to six-week or eight-week bereavement groups, says Sherry E. Showalter, a psychotherapist specializing in grief and the author of Healing Heartaches: Stories of Loss and Life, is that at the end of the sessions, people mistakenly expect to be "better" (or their friends expect this). "Everyone tells me the same story: 'I failed Grief 101,' because they still feel pain," Showalter says. "We grieve for a lifetime, because we're forever working to incorporate the death into our own tapestry of life."

 

Learning how to grieve is ultimately part instinct, part stumbling along, part slogging along -- a bit like learning how to live.