Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. Mattie was home between treatments and that weekend Peter and Mattie worked on building the Taj Mahal out of Legos. This gigantic structure sat in our living room until very recently. I literally had it for over a decade. But of course over time, it got full of dust and pieces started separating apart. So I dissembled it, but kept the center part of the building. The center dome now sits in our kitchen and every time I look at it, it reminds me of this moment in time. For us Legos were therapeutic. It kept us all focused, talking, and busy. Busy enough to forget for a few hours our reality.
Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins.
- Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 33,722,290
- Number of people who died from the virus: 605,567
I would say that yesterday and today, I wasn't myself. I am chronically tired and as a result look at tasks in the house that have to get done, but somehow can't manage to tackle any of them. The only thing I can muster energy for is to cook, clean up, and walk Sunny. Everything else isn't happening. While at the house today, Peter got a lot done..... things like weeding (which could be a full time job on this property), removing nails and other items tacked into the walls, and together we took down all the curtains. I wanted them down, so I can get a set repaired and all of them dry cleaned.
As of this month, I have been writing daily blogs for 13 years. It is hard to imagine, but yet this is a fact. Recently, I have been chatting with a person I know who recently lost her mom to cancer. In our discussions, I was telling her about the benefits of telling one's grief story. I mentioned this to her because she apologized to me for repeating herself! I told her no apology was necessary, because I understand the importance of being heard, and hearing myself share Mattie's journey, and my reactions to his death. It is over countless times of sharing these stories, that somehow they become a part of me, and in the process, it enables me to cope with the loss. It doesn't happen overnight, and as I remind my friend, grief is a lifetime process and task.
As I shared tonight's photo and commentary, I thought to myself..... I know I have probably shared this image and insight somewhere else on the blog. After all, I unfortunately can't get new material on Mattie to share! Yet I know each time I tell a story, different aspects pop up in either how I tell the story, or how I interpret the situation and feeling. Which reminds me once again, the importance of writing, sharing, and reflecting. I wouldn't think of a day going by without writing on the blog. In the beginning, it was important that people read my words and thoughts, as I was quite aware that when Mattie was alive, thousands of people read the blog daily. The volume in readership is no where near that today. At first it was hurtful, but now I have come to understand that not everyone wants to read my grief journey, and that's okay. I write for my own sanity and I write to remember Mattie. Without writing, it is very possible to forget the nuisances of our boy and our relationship with him, as I know all too well that this is the cruel joke time can play on the bereaved.
1 comment:
I'm reading! I may not be able to read every day, but I do catch up days and keep up with you and Peter. I'm so grateful for your writings!!
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